Christinas Heroin Addiction: My Living Hell
I am going to begin from the beginning of this long journey of addiction. It started when I was 36 years old. Anyhow my younger cousin I knew used Oxy's. So I was online and I saw that she was online and I asked her if she had any oxy's or percs.
I was bored and had taken them before for tooth pain. So she said yes she had some but in bag form. Ok whatever that was. I was down. She didn't live to far so I went over and gave her the money.
I don't remember if I brought her to buy it or if she already had it. Either way it was a small plastic bag, the size they use for weed. Like ten dollars worth baggy. Not knowing about what a bundle was or the concept of the drug talk, the bundle was put into one bag.
So I got it and went home. Sniffed the whole thing. I obviously did to much because I got the biggest rush of my life and practically passed out.
So after a little time passes, I text her. I explain myself of how the whole room was spinning and how I crashed on my bed, and she says "omg you took to much" I just replied by "what the heck was that" and she says like nothing "heroin".
I said "you gave me heroin"??? You can call me naive if you'd like, I know Oxy's and Percs are opiods so by me saying HEROIN, you know the stigma heroin gets. People just hear the name and their like "oh my god, junkie, dope head" etc. The name in itself is scary.
Anyhow time passed, I lived a normal life, I had a good job actually working in a hospital at a detox center. I had just started. I always had heroin on my mind especially after the first time. So I said I'll just do it on the weekends or buy when I get paid.
So it went from weekends, to every other day, to every day. Then my body was addicted. As I was at work one day, my cousin says are you going to get some today, and I said no I don't feel good, and she says well that's because your body is addicted and needs it.
I was in shock and upset because here I am a mother of three kids, working at a detox center. All I can hear in my brain is my boss explaining what withdrawal is and how it's ten times worse than the flu.
So I'm now panicking and trying to figure out how I'm going to get some dope. I had no money. So I email each one of my co-workers for $20 bucks. It got back to my supervisor, and low and behold they check my computers email and saw conversations with my cousin on buying dope. So I got fired.
Later that night my cousin says to me, that she was online on Craigslist. This is a site where you can sell stuff, or post for jobs, etc. She tells me how girls are online giving massages. My first reaction was "ill that is nasty".
What do I do when I get home later at night? I start to search the Craigslist site, where it says escort services. Low and behold, I found my new job. It was easy and quick cash to make. Hey if these girls can do it, so can I.
So I tell my cousin to post an ad just to see what happens. BAM, phone is ringing off the hook. Our first date was with a guy who had a mini van. We each took turns giving massage with happy endings. Wow that was a quick 50 bucks.
So off we go to the dope dealer before I get too sick. This was the beginning of a nightmare. When you're on heroin you don't think of the risks involved, like getting set up by a cop.
You're just thinking of how you're going to get money to get your dope. So me and my cousin worked together. We would post every morning. Title would say, "Cousins, two girls, nice warm massage" Something to that affect.
So we would get a motel room every morning. And make appointments like this was a legitimate job. How embarrassing to tell, but this is my story and I want people to know how evil this drug can be.
I'd say we were doing this for 7 months. My family started noticing how skinny I was getting. I had all this money, so I started buying four bundles a day, and coke. So now I had two habits. Heroin and coke.
I would go shopping and buy clothes, but one thing I wouldn't pay my bills. My car payment was behind. One day in July, I took my older daughter to the beach for her birthday. So it was me the girls, and my little daughter. We went to the beach and got a nice hotel so I didn't have to drive back.
The next night upon returning home, it was 2 in the morning and I hear a tow truck outside, and there was the repo man taking repossession of my car. How devastated I was. The only thing on my mind was how am I going to get my drugs!!
The next day, my family approaches me and finally confronts me of my addiction. My dad was so upset, he said if you don't go to detox I'll be taking your kids away from you. So I ended up going for my first detox in 2007 for 8 days.
After I got out, I stayed clean for 7 months. I ended up having a bad tooth ache and went to the E.R. and knowing I was a recovering addict, they prescribed percs. So I took them. And I loved the feeling. I think the pills were gone in like three days. That's what got me hooked again.
So it's now 2009 and I'm back on and off of heroin. I finally broke free from my relationship that I hated so much. I left and moved to another state. I met another man who is not a user and life was great.
He is 14 years older than me and the best thing that could ever happen to me was meeting him. I told him about my addiction, but at that time I was clean. It didn't bother him that I was a heroin addict. I told him about detox. All in all life was great, he took care of me.
But,I ended up relapsing, I would steal money out of his wallet. So I started being sneaky and lying to him about it. The only thing I didn't do was be an escort like before. I never cheated on him. But I was using.
He ended up finding out, so I would quit cold turkey, be clean for a couple months, and relapse again. Over an over and over again. It's now 2012 and I've been to detox again in 2010 and 2012. I've been to Suboxone Dr's and that wouldn't last because I would always end up using, so they would kick me out of the program.
When I was on it, I would sell my subs to buy dope, I would pay someone for their clean urine, so I could get my prescription. Now I burned all the Sub Dr's in my area that take my insurance. But I find it didn't work with me anyhow. I just wouldn't take my subs and just go back on dope.
Oh by the way, I always sniffed it. I recently starting injecting it in 2012. Like they say, you're always looking for that rush or high that you got the first time you tried it. So now I'm really a junkie. My arms are all marked up and look horrible.
So it's September 2012 and I finally went cold turkey, I stayed home for 6 days barfing my brains out. It was the only way. I had just got out of my 3rd detox two weeks ago, and two days later went and used.
So my boyfriend of the last four years has had enough. He is at the end of his ropes. I don't blame him. He works and pays all the bills. He would give me spending money. And it all would go on dope.
At this point the only reason why I'm using is because I don't want to be sick. It's like I don't get high anymore. Even though I do three to four bundles a day IV. The more I did the more I wanted. I wasn't paying none of the bills, everything was going downhill.
Last September I got pulled over by police, I just bought my dope and the cops were right there waiting for me. I don't have a record, but I have to do 80 hours of community service by this December and they will seal my case. So it won't be shown like if I go an get a job.
My kids found out again, after 2007 they thought I was clean. They didn't know that I was on and off for the last four years. So my oldest daughter ended up leaving to FL to stay with her best friend.
My son is with me, and my little one lives with her father. She never wanted to move when I moved she wanted to stay at the same school and be where her friends are at. So I gave her the option on what she wanted to do. And even though I fell out of love with her dad, he is a very good parent and takes good care of her.
She is very spoiled. But at the same time, she is my baby and should be with me, so maybe that is one of the reasons I use, is to hide that pain.
So last week I did a home detox and did it cold turkey. I really suffered. I was on day six and feeling better but very weak. I was talking to my neighbour and told him of it and he said here is a perc.
That was the biggest mistake of my life. How stupid can I be. I just suffered for six days with the worst detox of my life and I take this pill. Yes I felt better, but when the next day came I started to get sick. So I've been using since then.
It's nothing but a vicious cycle that never ends. I don't want to use. I want to be like a normal person, that wakes up in the morning without having to run out to get my dose or fix. So I set myself 7 steps backwards and wasted all that time of being sick. And now I have to do it all over again.
I am very disappointed in myself. How stupid can a person be? Suffered for a week of torture cold turkey ! And then to be in that same situation again. It's all up to you on how bad you want to be clean. Or it just won't happen.
I've been through hell and back and just want to be done once an for all. So I can be a good person, a good wife, and a good mother. I don't want to use anymore. I'm so tired of being tired. I want to set up some goals for myself so I can work towards them.
In addition, the 80 hours community service, I'd like to do it for a drug agency, to be able to help someone else. In addition to NA meetings. There is a lot of things I want to do in life and drugs isn't one of them. There is so much more to life than what I'm doing. Thank you for letting me share my story.