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Carol's Alcoholism Story: From The Depths of Despair To a Year Sober

by Carol

Six years ago I began my sad addiction story. I was what people call a 'social drinker'. Looking back now it all seems like I was happy one day and extremely unhappy the very next day. I have tried so many times to ask myself how I ended up taking this particular road but I have since given up because I decided it would make me crazy just thinking about it. But here goes....

6 years ago, I had everything, a loving family, great friends and what I thought was a great boyfriend. My parents died before I was 10 years old and I grew up with my paternal uncle and his wife. They were good parents but I have come to learn that biology is stronger coz I never quite fit into that offspring picture.

I found out that I was constantly blamed for what went wrong with their biological children and I did not receive many of the privileges and goodies they did. Plus, they were always told to keep me at bay, not to let me too close. I however kept it silent because I so desperately wanted to belong, and in fact none of my friends had ever known that I was an orphan. I didn't know that this terrible longing would eventually lead me to the hardest fight of my life.

When I was 21, I met and fell in love with a family friend, married and 20 years my senior. I was on cloud nine. I was so desperate to feel loved and needed (because I never had that at home) - that I managed to fall for all his lies 100%. I threw out anybody who talked ill about this man. Because I had not been hown love, I didn't love myself enough to know that I deserved better than the first man who gave me attention.
I gave him myself totally. I was a virgin then, a strong believer in 'waiting till marriage' but I willingly surrendered that without a moments hesitation.

Like all 'users', it wasn't too long that he started showing that he was only interested in using me. I used to say he changed, but later I realised that he just started to show himself. Womaniser, emotional blackmailer, psychological abuser, everything negative and very little positive. I started being miserable, I could not confront him coz I feared that he would leave me if I did. Later I realised that if I was a bit tipsy I would confront him. So I decided to drink 'a little' every time he did something I didn't like so as to tell him off. Little did I know that it was the decision that would ruin my life.

So every time he fucked up, I drank and told him off. But he fucked up like 36 hours a day(in other words ALL THE TIME). The funny thing is the next day I would be sorry and ashamed but I couldn't summon the courage to call/talk to him unless, AGAIN, I got tipsy. So the cycle began, when I was mad, I drank, when I was sorry, I drank. Soon I found that alcohol became my 'man for all occasions' ... I drank when I was angry, when I was sad, when I was bored, when I was happy, when everything. Soon, I couldn't stop because when I was drunk I was miserable but when I was sober I'd be more miserable.

I would drink 24 hours a day, literally! I always had miniature bottles in my bag that I carried to work. When I'd get drunk, I'd black out, urinate on myself, throw up, and generally be a nuisance. Worst, I wouldn't remember the previous day's events. So when I'd be told what transpired, I'd be overcome with shame and turn to my only 'friend' - alcohol. Needless to say, my man dumped me very fast, and I drank even more. I lost my job, so I started stealing to maintain my daily supply. My family disowned me and I went to live with my fellow alcoholics who could tolerate me.

For five years, this was the story of my life. I tried so many times to seek help, I failed. I once attempted suicide but that also failed and made me lose faith in life and so I sunk deeper in addiction. I started sleeping with anybody who could give me some money or just buy me some drinks - me who had been positively a nun!

On and on it went. Life became meaningless until one day, having tried everything, I decided to give my life to Christ. I also went to cheap rehab and took some traditional herbal medicine. I got conselling and soon, I could pass an hour without a drink, half a day, a day, a week ... Now its almost a year.

Sometimes, I sit and think of the time I wasted, the loved ones I lost and I often find myself crying. But I have learnt that I have to forgive myself and look forward to what lies ahead, no use beating myself up over what is done. I can only hope that I didn't do irreversible damage to my life and pray to God to give me a future where people don't look at me and see a drunkard.

I have decided that whatever I went through was a step of faith, and all the wrong choices, bad decisions were all leading me to where I am today. I am not proud of what I've been, but I am not ashamed of who I am now, a stronger, wiser woman.

My experience has taught me that I need to love myself first and foremost in order for others to love me and never to compromise my principles.

Thanks Carl.

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Jul 15, 2011
Loved your story
by: Dana

Your words spoke to me and I could see the child you were, the adult you became and who you are now. I like the fact that you don't look back and that you forgive yourself. I've learned that forgiveness is key.

Keep up the good work. Congratulations!

God Bless

Feb 02, 2011
by: Stella Carlsburg

Thanks for writing this carol. There are too many brilliant points made for me to mention. But i too can relate to the feeling of wanting to 'belong', and i too have done alot of things i regret and like you i had a difficult home life growing up. And we're the same age, you've inspired me to 'truely' begin down the road to recovery. Pray for me and others like me. Well Done girl x

Nov 14, 2010
Great Story Carol
by: C-P

Thanks for sharing your story Carol. Very inspiring and I'm sure all who read it will feel like it's made a difference to them. We can't change our past and what's happened to us, but if we can get through adversity and tough times - we'll ultimately be better, more compassionate people for it. And your story illustrates that brilliantly. Good Luck on your ongoing journey. God Bless.

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