Boyfriend Using Cocaine
(In Texas )
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1.5yrs. Hes 29 I'm 35. We have no children together. He has 2 boys he doesn't see because the mom doesn't trust him ( I don't know the background on that) - and I have 3 children which he say says he considers his own.
I knew 1 month into the relationship he used but it was social. Then when he moved in it slowly started into binges 3 days, no eating, zoned out etc. I loved the shit out of him in hopes he would stop.
His background is his mother left when he was 2. Grew up with his Dad who is also an addict - gave him "bumps" when he was 13, lost his virginity to one of his dads girlfriends, was left at various houses alone with people he didn't know sometimes alone with no one.
May I add his dad was in the military too for 10 yrs and that's the only time he would send him to stay with relatives and when he was 7-8 the dad would leave him in a car outside friends houses so he could get high for hours.
Back to the relationship, he sarted stealing from me - money, items, threaten that if I didnt give him money he would ransack the rooms because I would hide my wallet. He finally got the point when I told him to get the fuck out because he was nothing but a coke head and alcoholic just like his dad (coke part).
He begged me to change my mind and that he would change etc. That lasted 2 mths and he relapsed and it started a bit again and again, begged me. He said relapses would happen because he has been using since he was 13.
Told him to get help he said that it was embarrassing - you see in his head he wasn't a coke head and I guess his previouse girlfriends would also use. So know one would ever say he had a problem.
We started seeing a relationship counselor and promised it was the last time and that I could end it if it happened again. Well 4 mths later it happened - he went to his Dads on jan 8th after wrk at 12am for a bit to talk. I said ok ... well lets just say he didn't get home till 10am like nothing leaving me with out a car.
When he opened the door it had a chain lock. I asked if he was on coke he said yes and to please open the door so he can go to sleep. I had the chain on the door and I told him no he couldn't come in and that I would pack his things and throw them over the side gate!!!
I was furious I tore up all the words I had written to him on how I felt aboutt him and tore them up and threw them in the bags.
It's been about a week and I miss him terribly, my heart feels like its tearing, I love him.
We would write poetry together - we have a bond I have never had before. I've spoken to him on 2 ocassions and it makes me miss him more. I've talked to my counselor and he tells me I know you love him and he loves you but it's a decision I have to make.
I don't want to be that broken record that keeps playing and I tell him how can I ever trust him how can he guarantee it. I know he can't as long as his dad is in the picture.
He says that if I leave he is going to go back to doing coke in hopes he just ODs and that he can't live with out me in his life and I tell him I love him in the same way but that I cannot keep living this way. I don't want to be like before when I would hide my money.
It's heartbraking when someone you love can't do anything about their addiction, despite your best efforts to love them, to help them, and to be there for them.
But you need to realise there is nothing you can do to help your boyfriend. He has to want to help himself for a start, and that involves him taking responsibility for his cocaine addiction and the seriousness of his problem.
And then it means him having the humility to realise he isn't going to beat this thing by himself and that he is going to need professional help to start him on the road to recovery and turning his life around.
So if you keep holding on to the illusion that you two have a future together - you're actually just going to end up enabling his addiction even further. The reality is having a successful relationship with an addict is next to impossible, because they'll continue to make promises they can't keep, let you down, steal from you and make you feel like you're doing something wrong.
The best thing you can do for your boyfriend now is to let him go and make it clear to him that he needs help and to get clean. That needs to be his priority. And the best thing you can do for yourself now is to focus on yourself and what makes you happy outside of a relationship.
Being with an addict gives one a very warped view of what's 'normal' in a relationship and one forgets what a healthy relationship actually comprises. You may actually want to look into CoDA (coda.org) to discover what a healthy and happy relationship involves.
This isn't easy, but you can get through this. Never lose hope that your boyfriend will recover -but unfortunately that is something you have no control over and you can't put your life on hold hoping and waiting for something that may never happen. God Bless and Take Care.