Alcoholic Girlfriend: At A Loss
My girlfriend of a year and a half is an alcoholic. We met in a bar and I admit I enjoy a drink once in a while. She had an alcoholic father through childhood and she still does not get along with him even since he stopped 10 yrs ago as he almost lost his life.
We drank much more when we first met but I noticed her problem early on and I admit I am enabling by drinking with her but I have made a commitment to myself and the good of the relationship to not drink with her.
She used to get really drunk to the point of not being able to stand but I explained I did not want to see her like that anymore. She refuses to go to AA which is something I know very well I cannot make her do let alone even ask.
Our therapist asked her to agree to go for help if she ever got to that point again which she hasn't done in many months and she tells me she made all of these changes for me but in effect what she has done according to what I see is re-managed her drinking to avoid getting to that point again but she still drinks every other day-sometimes just 2 or 3, sometimes 10 lasting till she goes to bed.
Now all about her personality: she is a dean of students at a school and is fantastic at it. She is strict and gets respect and is upfront in everyway. She is never happy though from what I see. She is very negative and always complaining About someone or something. She is close to nobody but me - not even her family. It seems her only desire to do anything outside of the house has to be alcohol related.
Tonight she had about 10 drinks and seemed happy for a change. I did not drink with her. Lately our relationship has gone downhill but I am to blame for everything. I have read many posts and I can see a lot of our problems are probably due to her alcoholism.
I know our relationship would be much better if she would realize this disease is not helping her own well being. How can we have a healthy relationship with her not willing to help herself? Its a horrible situation because I am powerless and can't really do anything but wait for her to realize it on her own but by then it will probably be too late because I can't live like this anymore.
I love her to death regardless of her distance when she is sober but I do feel I am giving much more love than she ever could be able to give back because of this. Its a horrible thing and it has made me feel pretty isolated in our relationship but I don't want to be selfish either. Thanks for listening!
Having read many of the other posts and stories, I think you realise she isn't going to do anything about her alcoholism unless she is ready and willing - which is something you don't have much control over unfortunately.
So you either have to accept her drinking and everything that comes with it (most of it negative unfortunately) ... Or you have to reveal the only hand available to you - which is to make it clear to her that as much as you love her, you can't continue in this relationships if she continues drinking - and unless she gets professional help and turns her life around there is no long-term future for you.
The thought of losing a loved one can sometimes motivate an alcoholic to get help and change their ways. But in more cases than not, they usually choose the alcohol, so that's a risk you're going to have to be prepared to take. Because if you do give her that ultimatum, you have to mean it.
It's an incredibly difficult thing to have to do, and so you need to be totally honest with yourself about what it is you really want ... and the kinds of things that are important to you when in a committed relationship. The reality is it's next to impossible to have a successful relationship with an alcoholic (they're hard enough without that kind of burden) ... so all you can do is give your girlfriend the choice: You or the alcohol.
Hopefully she'll open to getting help and finding recovery
, but if she isn't, you have some tough decisions to make. Remember we can't control or cure someone else's alcoholism - the only thing we have any control over is the choices we make with our own lives.
Take Care and Good Luck
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