Adult Children (Using Marijuana Daily) and Interference from a Grandparent
I have two grown sons, one graduating from high school and one in college. Both are using marijuana every day. When I initially found out, I tried communication, taking away things (including the car), and stopped giving them any money. They would lie and justify their decision to continue to use marijuana over and over.
Finally, for their safety and because their school work, friends, initiative and relationships were all becoming so unhealthy, I decided I had to take a stand. I did not kick them out of the house, but I did say that I would no longer stand for it. I would not support their negative behavior and that rather than watch them ruin their lives and end up in jail, they would have to leave or stop smoking pot. They both left the same day.
After a couple of days of no communication and my worrying to death about where they might have gone, I finally hear from my mother. She took them in. They are both at her house, eating home cooked meals, having their laundry done, she's probably giving them money, using her car. I'm beside myself. It took me a year to get up enough courage to make this stand.
I never tried to call them in the time they were gone because that would have defeated the purpose, but I worried myself sick wondering where they were and if they were ok. Then my own Mom says they need a break from me and are going to stay with her for a while. What? So basically, I feel like she is undermining everything I tried to accomplish - which is HELPING them.
I'm terrified they are going to end up in jail or worse, and now, fully aware of the situation, is going to prolong this whole thing and make it possible for them to continue to do what they want to do. Please know, these young men have not always been this way. Smoking pot may not be addictive, but it has completely changed their personalities and they have gone from unique, bright young men with a wonderful future ahead of them to the classic "stoners" from the movies you see.
With my mom's interference, what am I going to do? How do I help them? Or should I just stop trying to help and let them learn the hard way? (This last option is going to require some counseling on my part, because giving up on your children is just not something I'm going to be able to do on my own.) Thanks for any help!
Unless you get your Mom on-side, there is little more you can do. Have you sat down with her, explained what you did and why you did it, so that she can understand where you're coming from? Because maybe if she understood what you're trying to do, you guys could work together on how best to help your son's.
Your son's are adults so despite what you do, you can't stop them smoking marijuana. They've ultimately got to want to do it for themselves. So you're going to have to learn to let go and let them start becoming responsible for their own choices, however that turns out. And the only way we all ultimately learn and grow is from the mistakes we make in life.
Counseling is probably a good idea to help you with the process of learning to let go and understanding that we can't control the choices other people make. So even if mother hadn't taken in your son's, you can be pretty sure they would have found somewhere else to stay and continued smoking. Drug users are a pretty resourceful bunch! And if they're not ready to quit, they won't, irrespective of what anyone does.
The only way your son's will learn and grow is to start living with the consequences of their choices. And if that means them having to end up in jail or whatever else you fear may happen, then so be it. Of course fearing the worst is natural as a parent, but there is only so much you can do and eventually you have to make peace with the fact that you've done what you can, and you have to let their destiny unfold however its meant to.
All the best and take care.