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Adult Children (Using Marijuana Daily) and Interference from a Grandparent

I have two grown sons, one graduating from high school and one in college. Both are using marijuana every day. When I initially found out, I tried communication, taking away things (including the car), and stopped giving them any money. They would lie and justify their decision to continue to use marijuana over and over.

Finally, for their safety and because their school work, friends, initiative and relationships were all becoming so unhealthy, I decided I had to take a stand. I did not kick them out of the house, but I did say that I would no longer stand for it. I would not support their negative behavior and that rather than watch them ruin their lives and end up in jail, they would have to leave or stop smoking pot. They both left the same day.

After a couple of days of no communication and my worrying to death about where they might have gone, I finally hear from my mother. She took them in. They are both at her house, eating home cooked meals, having their laundry done, she's probably giving them money, using her car. I'm beside myself. It took me a year to get up enough courage to make this stand.

I never tried to call them in the time they were gone because that would have defeated the purpose, but I worried myself sick wondering where they were and if they were ok. Then my own Mom says they need a break from me and are going to stay with her for a while. What? So basically, I feel like she is undermining everything I tried to accomplish - which is HELPING them.

I'm terrified they are going to end up in jail or worse, and now, fully aware of the situation, is going to prolong this whole thing and make it possible for them to continue to do what they want to do. Please know, these young men have not always been this way. Smoking pot may not be addictive, but it has completely changed their personalities and they have gone from unique, bright young men with a wonderful future ahead of them to the classic "stoners" from the movies you see.

With my mom's interference, what am I going to do? How do I help them? Or should I just stop trying to help and let them learn the hard way? (This last option is going to require some counseling on my part, because giving up on your children is just not something I'm going to be able to do on my own.) Thanks for any help! Answer

Unless you get your Mom on-side, there is little more you can do. Have you sat down with her, explained what you did and why you did it, so that she can understand where you're coming from? Because maybe if she understood what you're trying to do, you guys could work together on how best to help your son's.

Your son's are adults so despite what you do, you can't stop them smoking marijuana. They've ultimately got to want to do it for themselves. So you're going to have to learn to let go and let them start becoming responsible for their own choices, however that turns out. And the only way we all ultimately learn and grow is from the mistakes we make in life.

Counseling is probably a good idea to help you with the process of learning to let go and understanding that we can't control the choices other people make. So even if mother hadn't taken in your son's, you can be pretty sure they would have found somewhere else to stay and continued smoking. Drug users are a pretty resourceful bunch! And if they're not ready to quit, they won't, irrespective of what anyone does.

The only way your son's will learn and grow is to start living with the consequences of their choices. And if that means them having to end up in jail or whatever else you fear may happen, then so be it. Of course fearing the worst is natural as a parent, but there is only so much you can do and eventually you have to make peace with the fact that you've done what you can, and you have to let their destiny unfold however its meant to.

All the best and take care.

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Trying to pull the rug out.. and let go NEW
by: Anonymous

I have the same problem with my 19-year-old daughter. She was arrested for marijuana possession and was out of jail the next morning. I told her I cannot have drugs anywhere near our house due to my job. I could lose my license. I am in a legal profession.

My daughter who is 24 years old, also living at home, gave the 19-year-old advice that she should just go and get her medical marijuana card. That way she won't get into trouble with it legally. Lovely. That was not the solution I had in mind.

I didn't know where the 19-year-old was when she was arrested at first. I did find out, however, and was able to sleep that night knowing she was in jail and was in a controlled situation at least. She had not been answering her phone, so I was worried.

The next morning, she texted me and lied about her whereabouts. She said her phone had been stolen, but she had it now. I asked her, "Is that the truth?" She lied some more. I asked her again, "Is that the truth?" She lied some more. I told her to go straight to her father's house and I would pack her things and send her things over there for her.

She said, "Don't touch my items. I will come get them." I told her no, she was not to return to the house. I would send them. I changed the locks.

I told her sending her to dad's was not because of the arrest, but because of all of the lies and dishonesty and secrecy. I told her that a good relationship cannot be built on anything but honesty. If you don't have trust with those you live with, it is hard to have peace in one's home. I can't even discuss with her the problems if what comes out of her mouth is all untrue.

Upon packing her things for her, I uncovered backpacks and bags filled with paraphernalia of all sorts stowed in a little closet. It was overwhelming how much. All under my nose and in my home.

I am hoping she will go back to school. She finished one year of community college and made all As and Bs when she did. She is artistic and bright. She is working currently and did not lose her job over this.

I told her I would continue to pay her phone if she is in classes. I don't think she is going to, but I will see. If she is not in classes by the end of the month, she will have to take over her portion of the payment or I will turn off her phone that I have been paying for.

I have made the same offer to my 25 year old. You are in classes, or you need to take over your phone. And that's only the start of the changes that need to be made. I don't want to enable these bad behaviors.

I'm heartbroken about her choices. All I can do is let her know I love her

Frustrated NEW
by: Anonymous

I have the exact same problem with my 24 year old. He started smoking pot ar college and has not stopped. He actually graduated and moved back home; he didn't smoke for several months, but is back at it. We have asked him to move out, but need to give him a deadline. He had a job but it was seasonal, so he is currently out of work. From the previous comments, it sounds as if moving out won't change much, but maybe I'll get some sleep. Very depressing.

Family Interference NEW
by: Anonymous

I have had a similar situation with my daughter but it was her aunt who took her in. After 6 months her aunt started to get tired of the same drug related problems and is now siding with me. I would try not to judge your mom's intent as it will just stir up trouble instead just focus on keeping your relationship and conversation away from your sons. If your boys will go to counseling with you that would be great. I would also recommend telling them that whenever they wanted to get together with you and they are not stoned you would welcome the chance to spend time with them. Good luck it is not easy and we are still struggling daily.

To. The point NEW
by: Anonymous

You have stepped up and sayed this is not excepted in my home no longer or never was good for you! Pot isn't addicting maybe to some but to some yes I think it is seen it to much .they said cigs. Aren't addicting but seeing a mans throat ate out from the and all he wants is another cig seems to be addiction to hard as it seems focus on your Heath let that be because they will show up there and grandmas going to get sick of it to .give god an honest prayer lord I give them to your hands please do what I can not and then trust in him.this has made you unhealthy work on that and when the time comes and you all meet . The will see who is doing the write thing . Stay to your side of the street . They have their own journeys and so do you ,so get going with yours and trust in god believe the you are not suppose to be a door mat your a mother with good traditions to thee self be true

I have the same problem
by: Anonymous

I am desperately trying to find the answer to the question: how can you stop young adult from smoking pot. I also have two sons (19 & 20). I have tried talking to my two sons nicely what is the damage they do, I tried ultimatums (not to have the pot at home)and nothing works.
If you stay your grounds you need your mother to back you up if it all possible.

My 24 year old son on marijuana
by: Anonymous

My 24 year old son cannot hold a job for more than a few months at a time....was sleeping around the house all day. I questioned him on Marijuana use and he constantly denied it. Just discovered his license has been suspended - he was caught with marijuana in his vehicle,

He does not live at home..just comes in to wash clothes. His father died a month ago and he said he is depressed but I suspect he has been smoking for over 7 months. I feel so guilty and from other comments it seems there is nothing I can do at this point. We've had many discussions but he has been resourceful by staying with friends with no job and continuing to smoke. What else can I do to help because I'm at my wits end.

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