41 Year Old Fiance Completing 3 Month Rehab. His Parents Have Made My Place In His Life Next to Impossible

by Tiffany
(Texas)

My fiancé finally decided he was ready to enter a long-term treatment facility almost 3 months ago. Although he has had a long history regarding rehab and addiction this was the first time he ever considered a program of such length and knew without going the possibility for a future together was impossible.

He is 41 years old and for all of his life his parents have supported and protected him from the consequences of his actions that most of us would have to face.

We have been together for over a year and a half and while his parents have tried and tried to put him in any program long-term including the state hospital it wasn't until I sat down with him he agreed to do whatever necessary and wanted to.

His parents were able to afford him the blessing of a wonderful center here in Texas and his father and I took him and left him off. Although I am not yet his wife from the very beginning it was expected for his parents and I to commit and be accountable for our part in his recovery.

His case managers were to call both his parents and myself weekly and after the first week he was allowed 1 10 minute call which he had chosen to be me in the beginning.

After each call I received from him I always called to let them know how he was doing and whatnot and even had him call their home a few times so that he could talk to everyone.

We traveled together for his first visitation and after that trip his recovery manager changed and no longer would I receive any phone calls regarding the pertinent information and progress - only his phone calls to be which suddenly the times and dates became confused due to his mother's not informing me.

I have given all that I can and have no idea why on earth a process that I feel so blessed to be part of and thankful for his parents support financially could be made into something so heart-breaking for me.

I had major surgery and could travel this last time and it's Christmas and he is allowed only one gift, I only have my mother and I as family and just thought for sure his parents and I would at least consider what we might like to do for him.

I don't know why to him she does everything to make it seem they have been supportive and informative in every way when clearly that is not the case. All that is important to me is his recovery and I could never put my own needs before that or anyone's recovery.

So many other things like her telling me he had one call for thanksgiving and he would be calling them, he assumed they would have invited me to thanksgiving with them and although he found out prior to the day I made sure he knew to call them and how much it would mean to them.

I have done all I know to do by not allowing these things to affect my faith or be of worry to him but he is getting out soon and I am really confused as to how I should feel?

He has been made to feel like they have done everything to acknowledge me, I told his Mom not to worry about getting me anything this year because in the past before my fiancé even had time she would run out and get a present from him for me and this year we had agreed we would have our own little Christmas after he is back home.

I told both her and her husband everyday he has been safe, growing and healthy is Christmas to me and that is the most precious gift they could ever bless us with.

At his visitation since I was unable to travel and his mother was unable to stay in my room with me to assist getting dressed and what have you she told him I had a problem with her buying him anything and that she didn't need to. Please help me.

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Try not to take any of this personally Tiffany. This is a time of major change for all of you, and you're going to have to be patient and let things settle until a new equilibrium has been reached.

Your boyfriend will have been through a lot in his time in rehab, and don't be surprised if things feel different once he gets out. He's discovering new ways to relate to himself and the world, and that often means partners feel neglected or unsure of their future.

The main thing is that your boyfriend embraces a new way of life and builds on what he learnt in rehab ... building a new life for himself that doesn't involve mind altering substances. And that takes a lot of work, effort and commitment so you need to understand that and let him do what he needs to do.

As for his parents, who knows why they're acting the way they are. Their primary concern is of course their son, and if it feels like they're responding differently to you, again try not to take that personally. Remember you can't control other people's choices or behaviors and if their attitude towards you has changed, so be it. Don't give other people the power to control your feelings.

If you want to have a quiet word with them to find out if there is something going on, or why their attitude seems to have shifted, then talk to them. But try not to drag your boyfriend into it, because he needs to focus on his recovery once he gets out of rehab, and not have to worry about how his girlfriend and parents are getting on.

The best thing you can probably do is get yourself involved with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, which is for loved one's of alcoholics and drug addicts. It will help you learn and understand how to relate to your boyfriend while not losing sight of your own happiness and well-being.

The reality is that in many relationships people don't get along with their in-laws. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. And maybe that's not the case here, but don't let it be the end of the world if it is for some reason. But if it will put your mind at ease - talk to them, and maybe you'll realise there is nothing going on and it's just a case of a misunderstanding having crept in somewhere.

So don't stress unnecessarily over this. It's more important that you and your boyfriend find new ways to relate to each other and put the foundations in place for a long-term, loving relationship where his addiction doesn't underpin everything. You'll get through this!

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