Ups and Downs, I Am Lost. I Am The Alcoholic
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. It came to our attention pretty early that I am an alcoholic. In June of 2010 I made the commitment to quit. Since then I have had some pretty ugly circumstances occur and I slipped.
After 3 months of sobriety, I drank for 10 days, quit. 3 Months later, I slipped again, 4 days of alcohol. Then 6 months with 3 days and 3 months I relapsed and drank for 4 days. I am a very honest person and hate the fact that I have struggled.
Each relapse, I lie and hide my drinking. After each occurrence, I apologize and have revelations, I analyse, I do everything I can to avoid it again. My boyfriend is so frustrated with me. My words, promises don't mean anything to him. He says, show me, don't tell me. I have been sober 2 months. I put a star on my calendar for every day I am sober.
My issue is he has distances himself so much that we are almost strangers sometime. He insults me, criticizes me, he is cold, distant. He also drinks but says, I am not the one who has the problem (drinks in the day for ex). But he now drinks 90% of the evenings we are together. From 3-6 beers, liquor or both. He says, when you start keeping your promises, then I will keep mine.
I am not sure what exactly I am asking but am I wrong to be frustrated? I want to give up because I think I have just pushed him too far. Do I deserve the coldness, defiance and verbal bashing. I don't know whether to stay because this is the bed I have made or am I ok to want to be loved? I just don't know. I love him so much. I need advice!
First things first, you need to separate the two different issues going on
here, i.e. your alcoholism number one, and your relationship with your boyfriend number two.
Your alcoholism is your responsibility, and only yours. What your boyfriend does or doesn't do is irrelevant. Yes your boyfriend may be behaving selfishly and not showing you much consideration by drinking in the way he does in front of you - but that ultimately has no bearing on whether or not you choose to pick up that drink.
The reason why it sounds like you're struggling so much to stay sober and avoid relapse, is that it doesn't seem like you're really doing it for yourself. It seems more of a case like you're just doing it to please your boyfriend. And as long as that's the case you're always going to struggle.
Your sobriety and well-being needs to be about you - and only you. If you're not doing it for yourself because you want to become a better, healthier, more rounded person determined to become all you can be - it's going to be an ongoing struggle. Those that successfully recover do so because they undergo a massive transformation from the inside ... out, and are prepared to put in the work to make that happen.
If you're doing it for you and are determined to start being all you can be, it will quickly become clear to you whether your boyfriend has a future in your life. Because you'll realise having him in your life is a positive influence that brings out the best in you, or you'll realise he's actually a toxic influence and you want more than he can give you.
So you need to change your focus - stop making it about your boyfriend and what he wants, and start spending time on getting healthy - mentally, spiritually and emotionally. In doing that everything else will fall into place. And if you need professional help in doing that, don't be scared to seek it out.
Best of Luck