The Mother of my Fiance is a Drug Addict.. Her Role in His Life Could Cause Us To Break Up

by Cassie
(Virginia)

My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years. We have already planned our wedding for next year. We have also started looking at houses together so after we are married we can settle down somewhere in town.

I am having some doubt about marriage, mostly because we constantly fight about his mother. His mother is addicted to crack cocaine and she refuses to stop. She is 48 yrs old, has no car, no home, and manages to find work at gas stations and restaurants where they don't drug test her.

I spent the first year of our relationship getting my fiance clean, no drugs, alcohol, or smoking of any kind. I cannot trust him to be around her whether she is using in front of him or not.

He has managed to stay away from her for almost 2 years but here recently she has begun asking him for rides to the doctor and around town for various things. It is becoming more and more of a habit. I do not want him around anyone who does drugs and I don't want him in a house where drugs are being used or sold.

He says these reasons are stupid and there is no harm in him taking her places. I see things differently of course. I know she is his mother and I know he loves her but what she does and the lifestyle she has is not something I want him around.

I love him very much and I don't want to lose him but I cannot handle the fact that he is around her. I have told him several times he needs to tell her to get clean or he isn't going to help her but he refuses to say anything to her about her addiction.

He says what she does is her business but to me if she is around my fiance its no longer just her business. As long as people keep giving in to her she will never change but he doesn't see it that way. I told him the best way to help her is to tell her to go to rehab, get clean, or he isn't going to help her anymore, but he refuses.

I feel like right now its rides around town, then it will become something else, like needing money or wanting him to come see her more often. I also feel like once we get a house she is going to ask if she can stay there for a while. I honestly don't even want her in or around my house.

Drug abuse is something I strongly disagree with I don't want in my life, period, no excuses. He says her staying with us isn't going to happen but I don't believe him.

I told him last night that if he continued to help her while she is on drugs I am going to call off the wedding and we will go our separate ways. Of course he became angry and said my reasons were stupid and that I have no right to leave him because of what his mother does. I am torn and I don't know what to do.

He feels like what he is doing is right but I am against helping an addict stay an addict. What advice can you give me?

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Answer

Hi Cassie

Trust your instincts. There is nothing wrong with taking a stand and protecting yourself from having someone in active addiction potentially end up playing a big role in your life.

The way to potentially save the wedding is to take your fiance along to see an Addictions Counselor, so he can begin to understand how what he's doing is simply enabling his mother's behavior - and as you so rightly say keeping her stuck in addiction. If he hears it from a an objective, outside and knowledgable source - he might be prepared to get more serious about trying to get his mother the help she needs.

The thing is, if you don't take a stand on this now, as you rightly fear, this is likely to become a huge issue in your relationship going forward. I'm sure your fiance wants the best for his mother - so hopefully with a bit more knowledge and understanding regarding someone else's addiction, he'll begin to see how he's doing more harm than good currently, and that she needs help.

There is no easy way to handle this. Trust your instincts and trust that everything will work out for the best somehow.

Best of Luck

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