Should I Stay or Should I Leave?? My Fiance Has a Meth Addiction.

(Portland, Oregon)

On October 29th 2010 I found out that I had $1200 missing. I had a horrible feeling I knew who did it. And it turns out my gut was right. My boyfriend (now fiancé) stole it and got high and gambled it all away. We have two beautiful daughters and I love him with all my heart. I forgave him, he paid me back, and we moved on. But I told him if he messes up again that our relationship would be over...

Well I found out six days ago that he was getting high. Come to find out he never quit getting smoking meth, he just quit shooting it. So myself and all of his family were lied to for over a year. I am completely devastated and I'm not sure what I should do. I don't want to lose my family. I don't want my girls to grow up without there daddy.

Both him and I had pretty bad childhoods. I had a druggie/convict for a mom and an alcoholic for a dad. He had a crackhead for a mom and an alcoholic for a dad. I think that all the issues with his childhood messed him up bad. He started using when he was really young. Between using and all the horrible drama, he just flipped.

He ended up in jail three weeks after our first daughter was born, he served 4 years. Once out he just went down. Made horrible choices and hung out with horrible people. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT THAT FOR MY GIRLS. He straightened up for a while and I got pregnant with our 2nd daughter. He again messed up and I dealt with part of the pregnancy alone. Again he straightened up. Then it all went bonkers in October. PLEASE HEEEELLLLLP!!!!!

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Leave. You've already given him one opportunity to change and turn his life around, and not only did he make no attempt, he managed to lie to you for more than a year about it. So what do you think is going to change this time around?

Yes he may have had a tough childhood, but that doesn't excuse turning to a life of drug addiction. And how do you think having a Dad for a Meth Addict is going to effect your girls in the long-run? You know first-hand how devastating that can be for a child and all the long-term effects it can lead to, irrespective of whether you think he's a good Dad right now.

So for his sake and your children's, you should leave. And make it clear to him that while you love him and want the best for him, you simply cannot have a happy, healthy and successful relationship with a drug addict. Tell him that he needs to start taking responsibility for his life, and be a Dad that his girls will be proud of. And that starts with getting professional help and treatment for his addiction ... followed by committing a whole new way of life, founded on sobriety and fulfilling his God-given potential.

If you don't take the opportunity now, things are simply going to get worse and the people who will end up suffering most will be your girls. Tell him that if he gets clean and has proven that he's turned over a new life, you won't close the door on a future together. But that it's up to him to prove he's changed. No more lies and empty promises.

In the meantime you need to start your own process of healing and starting a new life for you and your girls. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to change. Look into getting help and support from others who have gone through what you have, like at Nar-Anon and CoDA (coda.org). Having others to lean on and learn from who understand what you're going through can make a world of difference.

Best of Luck

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