My Husband's an Alcoholic: Am I Doing Something Wrong? How Do I Change This?

by Rose
(Fl)

Well, I have been with my husband for 5 years. We have 3 children. Ages 7,5,and 22 months old. My husband is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. My father was one for years.

I got out of a physically abusive relationship and he was the one man I though I could trust. Everything has been going great until after we got married. I never knew he was a drinker and when I did find out he said it was social. He would come home drunk and then act stupid, yelling and screaming, waking up the kids or telling me how horrible I am for him and how I make him drink.

Tonight I finally went to a friend of mines house to watch a football game and he agreed to watch the kids. He called 17 times in less then 20 mins to tell me to stay longer if I wanted to. I thought this was great because I never go out without the kids. When I returned home the kids were wide awake at 11 and he was yelling on the phone in the garage at the friend whose house I was over at because I was late returning home.

When I walked up to him, I could smell the beer on him and could see he had been drinking. When I asked him how could he be drinking and not watching our older kids, (the baby was long in bed) he responded that I should have been home sooner.

He left and he does that a lot. Especially when he has been drinking. It is his thing to get into my vehicle and leave. He came home at 3:30 and started yelling because I had locked the master bedroom door and would not let him in. He told me he has a right to sleep in our bed any time no matter what as long as we are married.

I love this man, I really do, but he cheats and lies and hides his beer. Is it too late? He refuses to go to AA because he says he has no problem and that I am the problem in the house. I am scared to leave because when he drinks he becomes a whole different person.

Is it something that I am doing wrong? How do I change this? I would go home to my family but I moved with this man 2 years ago and have since then become estranged because of my husband. Does anyone have any suggestions on this situation or has anyone ever been there? If so please tell me what you did. Thank you for your courage and may god bless all of us with these struggles.

Answer

Hi Rose

You're doing absolutely nothing wrong. You're unfortunately simply witness to, and a part of, the insanity of a life of addiction, thanks to your husband's alcoholism

The blame, shame, and guilt he imparts on you, is just another part of what alcoholics do. The best way for you to try and deal with that is to try and remember that's it's not your husband intentionally trying to hurt you by doing or saying those things, but the disease of his addiction causing him to behave in those nasty ways.

That doesn't mean he should be absolved of any responsibility for his behaviour, but that the alcohol causes him to behave in ways he normally wouldn't, so try somehow not to take things too personally. Easier said than done sometimes though I know.

The only way your husband is going to change, is if he wants to change. And you are unfortunately pretty much powerless over when and if that happens. He needs to go through a proper alcohol addiction treatment program to get him sober, and then find a recovery program like AA he's prepared to work at that will keep him sober.

Because achieving lasting sobriety takes commitment, effort and work. It doesn't just happen by itself. That's why unless your husband wants it for himself and is prepared to do what it takes, there isn't a lot you can do that will get him to change.

Look, some people do change on the threat of their spouse of partner leaving them. But there's no guarantee that will work - because you just have to look at the number of failed relationships due to problem drinking - where the alcoholic has chosen alcohol over saving their marriage or relationship.

There is unfortunately no quick fix or straightforward answer. What eventually motivates an alcoholic to achieve sobriety is almost impossible to predict. It's different for all of us. And what that might be for your husband, we just don't know.

The main thing for you is to always do what will be best for your children. They need to be your main responsibility, and that includes providing them with a loving and supportive environment. Can you provide them that as things stand? If not, then something has to change. And if your husband isn't prepared to, then you have some seriously tough decisions to make.

Keep faith though that it will all work out for the best in the end. Best of Luck and God Bless