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My Husband Hates AA and I Get No Support

I was a mess when we met. Just out of my first marriage where ex at the time was threatening to take my child etc. In the meantime all has been restored, thank god. But drinking has always been a problem for me.


My current hubby once said - me or the drink! Giving up was just not an option. But now after years of denial I am going to - and loving - AA meetings. I finally feel at home. I have no support in this. My dad never mentions it though my mum died from this disease (house fire)
and my sister says its a cult.

I am so confused. I know it helps. Why is he so negative? We have 4 kids altogether. I am glad to be stay at home mum, but finding it harder and harder to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids.

He says I am controlling and a hypocrite because I don't tell everyone I am in AA. I have been advised to stay anonymous until stronger in self. Just doing my best. Why is marriage worse not better after years in recovery? P.S. have done steps etc. Help !

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer



You have to do what is best for you, and the fact that AA has helped you with your drinking problem and helped you become a happier, healthier person, is something you should be proud and grateful for.

Why another person would begrudge and resent someone they love facing up to their alcoholism, and trying hard to turn their life around is a mystery? But people are strange creatures sometimes, and on one level maybe your husband can't handle how you've become a happier and better person.

Many people don't understand alcoholism and the nature of addiction ... and when it comes to things like AA and recovery, they don't get how it can help people and change lives. So while in an ideal world you'd like your husband to be supportive of your recovery, you've just got to keep on doing what you're doing because you won't be able to change your husband's perception if doesn't want it to be changed.

We have no control over other people's choices and behaviours. So all we can do is is focus on ourselves and doing what we can to make ourselves happier, healthier and more fulfilled human beings. And if that eventually means you and your husband are no longer compatible, you'll then have to decide whether your marriage is something you want to keep working at.

Life is short. We only get one shot at it. So if a relationship begins to hinder our growth and development, and becomes nothing but negative, why continue with it? You've found something good and positive in AA, so keep at it. Hopefully your husband will come around, but if he doesn't, don't let that be a reason to doubt yourself.

Best of Luck

Comments for My Husband Hates AA and I Get No Support

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Exactly! NEW
by: Anonymous

I've been trying to figure this one out for so long. He wants me to stop drinking, but wants me to do it by myself. I want to so badly! But, it just isn't working for me.

I think he is afraid of the people there who have not been in recovery very long. They could possibly have a negative influence on me.

Has anyone tried Celebrate Recovery? I am trying to persuade him into letting me try this one. I think it would be a different sort of crowd.

But still want to understand his reasoning. He doesn't like me to meet other people...or do things without him.

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Oh, Thank GOD, I'm not alone in this!! NEW
by: Anonymous

I am dealing with the very same thing! I have tried to stay sober in the past on will alone. Not happening! It's nice to hear that other women are in the same situation. I don't want my marriage to end, I love my husband. My recovery must come first.

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Husband is against AA
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend of 14 yrs also thinks AA is more a cult. I am a strong independent woman and will go if I want. That's not an issue as much as his passive and cold way of support with my admittance of being an alcoholic. I'm going through hard times trying to quit at 44. And when I voice my opinions on how life sucks and feels over for me. He has mean remarks like. "You sound stupid". Rather than try to say nice supporting words.
I hate that he's so perfect and has no big problems. And thinks it should be easy to quit because he could. He is so cold and passive about this, and I am wondering if he and I should just split. I honestly think if I get sober I wont want to be with him and that's why he acts this way?

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My husband hates me going to AA
by: Anonymous

My husband hates me going to AA. He resents that my life is better and I am happier than I have been in a long time. This is my third time being back in AA and I have quit in the past because he has been so angry I go. I am not quitting because of him!! I don't have the tools to deal with life without the fellowship of AA.If I have to choose ,it will be AA. By the way , I have been married to him for 38 years.

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my husband fights with me when i go to AA
by: Anonymous

I have the same problem, my husband fights really bad with me when i go to AA or even when I hang out with my sponsor who is 65 year old woman. I'm a 30 yr old woman, I've never been a daily drinker and I don't have cravings however when I would drink I binge drink and do wild things i would never ever do sober. I've also been arrested for 2 DUI's so that was the final straw for me to know I'm allergic to alcohol and I don't want to drink anymore.
My husband is mr perfect, doesnt drink, is very healthy and is an athlete and he's always cursing at me calling me stupid that i'm not an alcoholic. he says i'm disrespecting him by hanging out with AA members or going to meetings.

I usually give in to him in every other area of life like 'what food we have at home', what time we go to bed, what we eat, what we watch, where we go etc.. one thing I feel very strongly about is I'm not going to give into him trying to stop me from going to AA. I know its the right thing to do, it feels right mentally, physically and spiritually so i'll fight this battle i'm not sure where it's going to end up but I have to stand up for myself and not allow myself to be totally dominated.

I told my husband if you have so many bad things to say about the people at AA why don't you meet them first before you judge? He refuses to meet them.
He's never home anyways when i'm at meetings he's working so it doesn't even cut into his schedule.

I would like to know however what could be the psychological reason behind this?
is it control?
fear of losing me?
is it that he doesn't want me so happy or strong?
is it that he doesn't want to think of me as 'flawed or not perfect?

what could it possibly be?

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