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My Father's Alcoholism: Feel Like I'm Being Stabbed With a Knife ...

by Filia
(Canada)

I am now 15 years old, my parents divorced when I was about 12 years old. It was really hard on me and my siblings but we managed to go through it.
They divorced because my dad was a serious alcoholic and a cheater. He used to beat up my mom in the middle of the night ...

I still live with both my parents. My dad lives in a house and my mom in a condo and only about 10 minutes away. Every night I cry, because I'm so sick of my dad drinking. He starts doing harassing calls, annoying me, sometimes kicks me out of the house, or beats up his girlfriend ... or tries to touch me myself, when I'm defending myself.

I really feel depressed and very lonely. I don't want to live like this anymore, very often I dream about leaving my dad and living with my mom forever. My dad never even gives attention to me. He has a "gold digger" girlfriend, that only uses him for money. He is also very selfish and doesn't give a damn about me or my siblings. Only himself and his gold digger.

The drinking has to stop because I can't live like this anymore and I'm sick of crying under my bed every night hoping everything will be okay. I'm sick of faking a smile on my face when I know deep inside I am hurting so much. Like someone stabbed me with a knife. That's how I feel.

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To Greg A
by: Anonymous

That was a beautiful answer. I'm going to copy it and keep it, i wish id heard these words from my own alcoholic parents (they both drink). Its very true what you say about feeling guilt for leaving, but your saying that they gave up their rights with drinking is so true and so comforting. Thank you.

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You not alone.....
by: Greg in Arizona

I used to be an abusive alcoholic parent until my ex-wife had the good sense to leave me and take our daughters with her and move to Oregon. I didn't object to their leaving because I knew that it in their best interest that they not be subjected to my drunken stupidity.

Like your father, I cared nothing about anyone, not even myself, and it's taken me a long time to finally accept the fact that I am incapable of controlling my drinking once I start, and when I do drink my life goes to pieces, and when I stop I experience a deep suicidal depression. I first tried to stop drinking in 1980 and I am now 9 months sober. It's a miracle that I'm still alive and I am committed to becoming the person I could have been all along.

It pains me to hear of your plight for two reasons: My siblings and I were once in a similar position but more importantly, I caused my own daughters the kind of pain and misery that you and yours are going through. I pray that I can help you with these words.

Know this as you know the sun will rise tomorrow: You and your siblings did not cause your fathers drinking and abusive behavior, there's nothing any of you can do to stop his drinking or behavior, and until such time (if ever) that he awakens to the fact that he is destroying his family and himself and decides to do something about it, the best you all can do is to save yourselves from futher harm.

Like me, he's given up his right to raise a family and is doing far more harm to his children than good, so don't feel bad about leaving him. You'll probably feel guilt, which is natural. Children blame themselves for the abuse the endure. It's human nature.

You may live in an area where you can attend AlaTeen meetings or if there aren't any local meetings you can find them online. They will connect you with others who can understand your situation and help you cope and heal. You've been through a lot and need the support, as do your siblings.

I send you my thoughts and prayers that you will find your way to a better life.

Greg A

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