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My Boyfriend is a Drunk and I’m Sick of It! What Can I Do?

by Belinda
(SA)

My boyfriend continuously promises he’ll stop drinking, but never does. And I’m getting sick of being with someone who is drunk more than they are sober. This leads to us fighting a lot and me screaming and pleading that he stops because he’s killing himself and ruining our relationship. He promises he will, but of course never does, and so the vicious cycle continues.

I’m out of ideas as to what/if anything I can do about the situation. I’m not sure he realises how bad things are and how he’s hurting me. Maybe he does and just doesn’t care? His drinking and our relationship have gotten progressively worse since we’ve been together, and the dreams I had of getting married and starting a family seem so far away now. I’m so stupid, my family and friends warned me about him, but I wouldn’t listen.

He can be such an amazing guy when he’s sober, but that’s so rare these days. I still hope he’ll change, but am starting to wonder if he ever will? Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m doing something wrong. What should I do?

Belinda?

Answer



Hi Belinda

The first thing to do is not blame yourself or feel you are to blame in any way. From what you say, your boyfriend is an alcoholic (for more info on that spend time in the alcoholism symptoms area) - which is now widely accepted as a disease, and that is not something you are responsible for - or can control in any way.

Ultimately the only way your boyfriend is going to overcome his alcoholism, is for him to admit to his problem, and to take responsibility for doing what is necessary to recover from it successfully. The difficulty with that, is that many people who suffer from addiction are in denial about their problem – and so refuse to acknowledge it and get the necessary help they need to overcome it.


If that’s the case with your boyfriend, you have the option of attempting an intervention. The idea behind doing an intervention is help your boyfriend break through his denial so that he’ll agree to get help. To do one properly and give yourself the best chance of success, it’s best to get a professional intervention specialist to help you with it.

There is unfortunately no guarantee that any of that will work. Some people go onto recover from their addictions – and others don’t. I think those that do, eventually do so simply because they’re the ones that want to and so put in the necessary effort to achieve lasting sobriety. What eventually triggers that is almost impossible to say because it’s different for everyone.

If you feel you you’ve tried everything, you may eventually have to give your boyfriend the choice: You - or the alcohol. Understand that because of his addiction he is likely to choose the alcohol, but I know that for some it provides them with the motivation to get sober and change their lives.

Try get yourself to an Al Anon meeting in your area as well. There you will meet others going through what you are, which will help you make sense of and deal with what you’re going through.

You are powerless to control your boyfriend’s alcoholism. At some point you will need to decide what is best for YOU. And only you can answer that question. I hope it all works out as you hope, but realise that even if it doesn’t, things always tend to work out as they’re meant to.

Be strong and take care



Comments for My Boyfriend is a Drunk and I’m Sick of It! What Can I Do?

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Nov 25, 2012
so lost
by: Anonymous

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years we have three beautiful kids together but his drinking is jus about to ruin our relationship he drinks while he's at home watching the kids while I'm at work so in constantly worried about what going on at home and ive just about worried myself to death im only 22 I don't go out anywhere I barely even leave the house except for work and him on the other hand he drinks and party all weekend and most of the week im just absolutely tired of it im sick of the fighting and arguing over the kids I don't want to leave him because without the drinking he's the best boyfriend ever but im just fed up

Oct 05, 2012
Can't let go
by: Anonymous

I am in the same boat (forever sinking) I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now, we have broken up twice, but I keep coming back because when he's sober he is divine, loving and so smart...sigh...I have tried dating others, but everyone pales in comparison to him (when he's sober)...he promises that 'this is it' 'i'm getting my life together' he says how much he loves me and how I'm the only woman he has ever loved..this is such a powerful persuasion...I know there is a better life out there...somewhere...i feel so stupid...everyone warned me about it...but it's hard to accept that you aren't 'the one' to change him...it doesn't help that our local culture is all about hanging out and having a few beers to 'decompress'...I know the world is a tough place and that things are so screwed up out there that it seems you'd be crazy not to drink...I am becoming indoctrinated into this culture of drinking and have sadly began to start this horrible slide myself...I am at my witts end...we don't have children but one of my cats was just attacked and killed by a rampaging pitt bull in our neighborhood...i moved back from all the way across the country just to be with him then this horrible thing happened..I am blaming myself, miserable, that cat was the closest thing to a kid I ever had...I am dying inside and becoming self-destructive myself...I am gathering the courage to go to All annon...I need some support and I am too embarrassed to ask my family for help because they warned me...I am college educated, have had much success in my life but cant seem to find the courage to move away from this debilitating relationship...help!

Aug 30, 2012
FEELING HURT
by: Anonymous

I'M GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. MY FIANCE HAS A SERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM. HE WAKES UP DRINKING, DRINKS BEFORE HE GOES TO WORK,DRINKS ON THE JOB,AND DRINKS WHEN HE COMES HOME. WE HAVE YOUNG KIDS A BOY AND GIRL AND I DON'T WANT THEM SEEING THIS. WHEN HE'S DRUNK HE'S VERY MEAN TOWARDS ME. HE SAYS HURTFUL THINGS LIKE I DON'T DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE WHICH I DO,I COOK,CLEAN,WASH,AND TAKE CARE OF TWO KIDS WHICH ARE BABIES.HE ALWAYS THROW IN MY FACE THAT HE'S GOING TO STOP PAYING BILLS AND THAT THIS IS HIS HOUSE HE PAYS ALL THE BILLS I DO NOTHING AND HAVE NOTHING,AND HE CAN DO BETTER.I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO I LOVE HIM WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10 YEARS NOW BUT I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE I'M ABOUT TO LOOSE MY MIND.

Aug 18, 2012
what I think about drunk boyfriends
by: Jennifer atrickland

Ladys I have been with this guy for five yrs got twins girls buy him yea he pays all the bills and buy stuff that we need but it does not buy love he gets drunk on the weekends sometimes dearing the week but what can I do nothing talking does no good fighting does no good u know what i do everyday I take care of my girls I play with them we go wakling everywhere to the store to the park or just to go walking the importent thing is that they know that I love them because there father can not do that the only thing that he cares about is his beer and friends when he asking me to go places with him I tell him no just give me the money me and the girls I knows its hard but just look at it I got to beautful girls and they make me happy everyday so I dont blame myslef for what there dad does I live my life day by day and think god that he gives me a chance to get up every moring to see my kids smile when they wakeup to see me there looking over them so what ever he does with his life that him not me I have a good life with or with out him in it me and my girls because nobody cant change there lifes but them he is the one missinh out on the things that the girls are doing not listen just take care of your selfs and your kids and think god everyday that u are here and be happy everyday let them do whatever take care of yoyrself first and your kids later them if u want to

Jul 24, 2012
At a loss what to do
by: Feel for ya

The comment below is my life too, my boyfriend of 7 years has been sober for two years before we had our now two year old son. He started drinking again when our son was one year old nd it has gotten worse then I have ever seen it. I am at my witty end. He can't seem to see it, or care how hurt I am. My son and me are obviously second to the alcohol. He gets drunk everyday after work. He is great from 5 am to 6pm but then after he is drunk and excessivly drinking beer. It is not fair to my son or me. He promised he wouldn't do this to me or my son as his father did to him. My boyfriend is not happy I've seen him much more happy. I have severe PTSD and anxiety. This makes me crazy. He is mean to me, calls me names like lazy, cunt, whore, slut and things he knows hurts me when I mention anything. I feel like curling up into a ball and hiding. I am so alone and lonely. I feel like if I leave he will hit rock bottom. Often at night and evening I feel like a single parent. Our weekends revolve around his drinking, we can barely go anywhere. He drinks to the point where he passes out and our son can get up watch tv and play without him even knowing. He blames his physically and mentally challenging job. He has every excuse in the book why he drinks or doesn't spend time with me, everything is always my fault. I have been in physically abusive relationship and this is almost harder because I truly love him plus I see the pain he is putting himself through. It doesn't look like he enjoys it but keeps doing it. Iwas glad to find this forum. He is sitting 15 feet away from me watching me type and ball he doesn't say a word. This isnt the same man when he drinks when he drinks. I talk to him on the phone in the day and he is the same. I don't understand.

Jul 14, 2012
at my wits end...
by: Anonymous

Like most of you, my boyfriend can be wonderful when he's sober, even when he just has a few beers, he's not out of control, but recently, his drinking has been out of control. When he has a day off, all he does is sit at home and drink by himself. Most of is family doesn't want to spend time with him because he is beligerent when he drinks. And there seems to be nothing that will stop him. He's been fired from numerous jobs because he's shown up drunk (it should have been a sign, I even worked with him at one, before we started dating). We decided to move in together, and a year later, things have gotten so bad, I've threatened to leave numerous times. I just don't know what to do. Nothing is important enough fo him to stop. Not me or his family, as I mentioned before, or even his job (which he's been suspended from for drinking on the job...) or his health (he has a serious ulcer that is exaccerbated by his drinking, especially of hard liquor)...he's even crashed is car and had his license taken away for aggrivated DWI...I have no idea what to do. I'm so sick of fighting with him, but he just doesn't care at all. I can't even talk to him sober, that's how bad it's gotten. He won't acknowledge it. He would do anything until I leave for good. That's what it'll take.

Apr 08, 2012
i know how you feel
by: lynn

I have been with the same man for yrs he drinks on weekends to the point of falling down and passes out . but i am slowly learning its his problem not mine , he wont stop so you have to live your life ,make your own plans to do things dont stop living just because he drinks,i am trying to live my life and i just dont include him in my plans, and i hope i will learn to be happy doing what i want to do and stop trying to fix him its getting a little easier for me i hope it does for you also.

Feb 17, 2012
innacurate emotion
by: Anonymous

I am there too. He's a beautiful man when sober,with ideas of love and family and marriage, reliance. He doesn't believe in himself enough to quit. I started challenging the alcohol, and that's when I became the thing to attack. I became a liar, a cheat, a manipulator of him visiting with his family. He chose alcohol over love, which many my have experienced in this situation. Most nights he couldnt talk straight, much less remember and appreciate any idea to fruition. The thing to salvage is to know yourself better. If you sense a spot of relief without him, entertain it. He's responsible for what he does, and in the end it's how it should be. Love him, but protect you.

Jul 30, 2011
i understand
by: Pregnant and sad

I am with a man who I went to high school with about 20 years ago. He was so kind to me whejn we started dating, saying he wanted to change his life to be a better person, get married and start a family. He even told me about his belief in GOd ( he is a Born Again Christian). Soon after we started dating we were talking about starting our own family and getting married the following year. he was so sweet and kind to me. Well surprise I got pregnant. I have had a pretty smooth pregnancy( due in 3 weeks) but he has been drinking and treating me like hired help for the last 7 months. When he is drunk he tells me that we( my baby and mydelf) are a mistake. he has missed every important appointment. He has become so selfish it shock the people around us. I have become close with his family and they have hope for him. they think he will change when he sees his baby.When he choosed drinking with his buddies who seem to be miserable people at the local bar every afternoon over helping me with things like ( puttin crib, bassinet and changing table together, it breaks my heart.
Sometimes I only think these type of people( alcoholics) will change only when it directly affeccts them like being arrested for a DWI. Thn the truth comes out!!!! It will not be because we love them, or we are having a baby......
I only pray I will find the strength to go o with my life with my daughter. I am trying to heal.

I wish you strenght and support. It is so hard when we( women) put ourselves on the back burner because we do love and care for these men. When will we become a priority or feel safe, secure and loved...

May 23, 2011
same boat ffor 10 yrs
by: Anonymous

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 horrible years.I thought I could change him and every time I told him me or the alcohol he would always say the alcohol! Each time I was devastated and I put up the cheating and the abuse, mental, physical, and emotional, and it damn near killed me and losing everything to realize that it wasn't me like he said, but him and yes i know its a "disease" but its a disease that destroys many lives and its something you shouldn't have to go through. There is to many good sober men out there who would love you without all the drama. Just imagine how horrible it would be for a baby to be put through that life. Trust me its so not worth it. I am now working on building a better life for myself and my kids and yes i still love him but i learned to love myself more just like you should do

Jan 19, 2010
Right There - and then some
by: Anonymous

Hey Girls, My problem is I started drinking with him socially and now I'm getting just as bad. It gets so old! Best of luck to you all

Aug 30, 2009
me2
by: melissa

i am going htought the same thing girl i dont know what 2 do he blames me for everything i do when he is drunk i know i feel like shit

Aug 11, 2009
I hope he does
by: Belinda

Thanks, I understand what you're saying about not being able to control him or his drinking. It still hurts though. I just feel so helpless. I'm going to try the things you suggest, but I guess I need to realise whatever I try may not work. Seeing someone you love destroy themselves is so painful. Anyway, thanks again.

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