Intervention Failed......Wife & Child Moved out and Debating Divorce. What to do?

by Natalie
(SC)

My husband has a drinking problem. I noticed the behavior when I was 7 months pregnant with our 1st and only Child. Being the daughter of a recovering addict(my father is sober 16 years and active in AA) - I quickly began to pick up on the symptoms.

I have begged, pleaded, nagged & fought. I began to confide in my father for advice. My husband's drinking is unpredictable. It could be once a month, once a week or 3 times a week. It started with emotional abuse, shoving started happening, very traumatic. He would drink until he passed out, occasionally wet the bed when he drank, and would emotionally abuse me in front of his friends.

My child started to be affected by me packing up in the middle of the night and leaving going to my parents, hearing the abuse and witnessing it. I have left several times but then came home when he promised to stop. We started marriage counseling in January of this year and have made no progress.

I finally packed up my house and moved out into a place of my own with my son because I need stability as well as my child. He promised he would get help ... so my father offered to pay for a 30 day treatment program, as well as pay his bills while he was gone and he turned it down.

He says he can do it on his own with AA. It has been 2 weeks and he has attended only 2 AA classes. I am so torn, I don't know whether to stick it out and hope for change or move on to provide stability for my son and myself. Please help!!!

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Answer

Hi Natalie

Promises and words are ultimately meaningless - proof is in the action and doing. Alcoholics and addicts know how to say all the right things and will promise the world - because they will do everything and anything to protect their addiction. So don't pay attention to what your husband says - but rather to what he does. And so far it isn't looking good.

If he was sincere and truly committed to changing - I think your husband would have taken your father up on his offer. So by sticking around and hoping for change, you are only prolonging the agony for yourself.

You've done the right thing. Until your husband takes responsibility for his drinking and commits totally to turning his life around - nothing is going to change. Because you said it - you and your son need stability. Bringing up a child in an abusive environment is unfair on him, and you both deserve better.

You need to get on with your life and focus on creating the best possible environment you can for your son. It's natural to feel scared and unsure of yourself - but remember this isn't just about you anymore. Abuse is under no circumstances acceptable and your responsibility as a parent means you need to do your best to provide your son with a loving, supportive and harmonious environment.

It will be hard at first, but you can get through this and make a new start. You also deserve happiness and someone who will respect you and treat you well. Surround yourself with good people and know that in time it will all get easier.

Remember you have no control over what your husband does. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure his drinking. Until he decides to change for himself, nothing anyone says or does will help him.

Good Luck and God Bless

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