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I Beat two of the Worst Addictions ( Heroin & Crystal Meth ) but now a Medication my Doctor gave me has Knocked me back down to the floor and this time I'm Dying but still can't get up.

by N.R.K
(Ohio)

Me

Me

I will first start off by introducing myself, my name is Nicole and I have been a struggling addict for the last five years of my thirty-two that I have been alive. I was really never educated on the facts of drug addiction because it simply didn't happen to normal people such as myself, or so I thought.


I experienced the biggest reality check I think there was in a position such as mine. I grew up with my mother, she was and still is my best friend. My father was around but he is more like a stranger than a parent or friend. My whole life I was the " fat " kid, because of that I had few friends throughout school.

I have suffered with depression from as far back as I can remember, because of that and all the attempts to kill myself I was put into dozens of mental hospitals. Looking back now, starting from the first attempt I took on my life, it was never really that I wanted to die but it was I wanted attention. I am still not sure of what type of attention I wanted or expected to receive from such a foolish act but I do know I did not want to die.

I can't really pinpoint where it all went wrong cause in a way I feel there was always something not normal about me as a person. I was an honours student up until the ninth grade, for some reason when I entered high school I gave up all the dreams I ever had about my future plans of going to collage and becoming a marine biologist. I dropped out before the end of the first semester of my freshman year.


Even in that time period, I still did not use drugs, smoke cigarettes, or take a sip of alcohol. And it wasn't that it was never put in front of me because it was many times. Why I never tried drugs then was because I had no desire to do so, there was no sort of temptation whatsoever.

I'm going to move ahead a couple of years because if I stay this pace I will never be able to finish. So much to tell! Couple of years after dropping out and doing absolutely nothing productive with my life I started dating a man who we will just call " J " . He was an awesome guy and I quickly fell in love with him. The relationship prior to him was abusive and " J " was like an angel that saved me from getting knocked around everyday. Our relationship had its up and down like all relationships do but for the most part things were good. I remember then how unhappy I was because of the routine of life.

Be careful for what you wish for cause it isn't always better on the other side. SO TRUE! " J " did have a heroin addiction for many years but when we got together he stopped. We were together five years before I found a needle in his jeans one day while doing laundry. He tried to give all the excuses there were but he knew that I knew what was up. Shortly after that I went and got a procedure done called gastro-by-pass. I was overweight and this was going to be the answer to everything. It ended up becoming the worst mistake I ever made, each month I was loosing weight and gaining more and more confidence in myself.

Six months after my surgery I again was doing the dirty laundry and found another needle. It may sound nuts but I was totally heart broken, I compare to how I felt that day to how a woman feels when she catches her man making out with another guy.

When he got home we had one big fight and by the end of that night I had snorted a bag of heroin. I couldn't compete with a drug, another woman maybe, but not a drug! That's what was going through my mind the first time I used. That was the first time I ever used any type of drug in my whole life but not the last....

From then on we used together everyday, things progressed fast and soon I was also using a needle to get high. Then not to long after that we started breaking the law daily just to get us " well " until the next day came. By that time I didn't have to worry about being the " fat " one in the room anymore because I was severely underweight. I was then called a walking skeleton.

Then " J " ended up going to prison for five years. The day he was arrested was the very last day I touched that drug, I went cold turkey and I still am drug free from heroin. I think about it now and I get physically sick. He was only locked up about three months before I DID meet the LOVE OF MY LIFE and its name was crystal meth.

First time I used it I was hooked and I was not stopping for no one not even my mother. I became an evil person and I cared about no one but my drug. It only took about a year or so before I went too far with my addiction. I committed some bad crimes that handed me a year in the womens state prison.

As far as meth is concerned, I am unable to say I hate it because there is a part in me that loves that drug and wants nothing more then to be apart of it again. But so far I have been able to keep that piece of me buried deep inside of me and I don't plan on letting it out ever again. If I did there is one simple fact and that is I will not stop again until it takes my life away.

After I was released from prison I was able to stay clean about one week before I became an alcoholic for about three months. During that time I was blacked out every day by noon and those three months are like a big blur in my memory. Again one day I woke up and decided not to drink any more so I didn't. That simple

Then one day at my head doctor he wrote me a prescription for a drug called addorall because he said I had a.d.h.d I did not know that this drug was a legal version of the drug I really loved (meth), but it didn't take long before I found out and that was all she wrote.

I was back into a active addiction and two years later here I am still and my addiction to these pills are out of control. I need help because I am going to die soon if not. I am getting sicker and sicker by the week. I don't want to die but I don't want to live anymore either. I NEED HELP....

Comments for I Beat two of the Worst Addictions ( Heroin & Crystal Meth ) but now a Medication my Doctor gave me has Knocked me back down to the floor and this time I'm Dying but still can't get up.

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Apr 18, 2013
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This was like i was reading my life!!
by: Monica

Hi, my name is Monica Siobhan from Alabama! When I started reading your story t was like I was telling my story!! I was addicted to Xanax and Crystal Meth for like 2 years!! When I started shooting Crystal Meth is when Crystal Meth was my life I was shooting up 5 to 6 times a day for days at a time. Couldn't function or get out of bed unless I had it... I finally hit my bottle got clean done it cold turkey as well, then like a year after all the struggle of getting off of it my doctor said I ADHD an put me on Vyvanse then it was on again... I've been on them over 2 1/2 years now an still on them going thru them like candy, and can't stop!!! I'm so sick of the dumb choices I've made in my life, I blame no one but me for my life cause it was my choices!!!I feel you pain and not wanting to live like this an not knowing how to make it all stop!!!

Feb 06, 2013
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drugs abuse and many close to death.experiences I'm very lucky.to be alive still.as.much as.uk.done
by: Anonymous

I have been doing drugs since 11. I am now 28.and I have come close to death at least 8 times from.overdose. I overdosed on alcohol and adderall. Then zanax and Roxy. I also overdosed from an antidepressant and e. Then I overdosed on meth,e,vicodin, then popped a Molly my body went in to shock. Because I took too much and was up on meth for four says without eating or sleeping. I was shaking uncontrollable and seeing and hearing things. Now.today I smoked weed with a blunt wrap and was dying. I didn't realize from slamming several and Roxy and doing all these other drugs for so long was affecting my body. I smoke weed everyday with a blunt wrap. I stopped for 5 says for the first time in many years. I was never sober from marijuana. I had to because when I smoked I felt like dying everyone but I would still do it. I can't to the point where I couldn't take it anymore so I stopped for those 5 says then starting using marijuana with a blunt again.at a friends house. I didn't realize until I was out of the hospital . Even the hospital doesn't want to help. They just sent me home. Then I realized I have been having asthma attacks for years when I smoke . Asthma was caused from smoking so much. I had no symptoms. Buy now I know drugs have an effect on everything. just marijuana almost caused me to die today for the 9th time . It's no fun. Your brain doesn't function when your close to death. I seen the light in one of my overdosed. The overdose s were no fun. No I have muscle cramps, head ache , all sorts of medical problem. After so long doing many drugs at one time can cause your body to wear down and die especially the abusive relationships I went through and being in the hospital for abuse and drugs. I been through hell and back because of my choices. Now my choice is my life. If I wanna breath another day I have to quit and I will. I had enough. Enough is enough already for me. I been stabbed broke my nose had miscarriages, surgeries, tube pregnancy.
What I been through
Only makes you stronger, unless you let it break you. I have done many more drugs. Alcohol and many more things I have not mentioned . I would be here all year for everything I done and been.through. But I realize in the end enough.I'd enough. Jail since 15.. Been out for almost two.years. I'm. .on parole but never for drugs. Now I feel worn down and ready and want to live a normal clean life. Drugs only makes.problems.worse. Never helps. Love yourself because nobody can love you more than you. If your doing drugs I don't love yourself. Your just killing yourself because you need to learn to love the sober you. Accept your mind with productive things. Life can't be fun always. Relax and think wise. Your choices shape your future.

Sep 15, 2012
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You got so far don't give up now fight
by: Anonymous

You beat what some people still fight to be free of and people that have lost there own lives or family's who have lost loved ones. U should be so proud u have come a long way. I am still fighting meth still recovering but see the light but still not fully off but see how much better my life is but I still worrie that I can be sucked back in and live with no heart or soul. I live in Australia and in a part that has become a meth epidemic and out of control. U have the power to stop what kill u now because u have got so far to give up now open your eyes and take back the control and the power that has got u this far. I take my hat off to u beat two of the most additive drugs on earth. You are a fighter and if u put the gloves up the devil wins..

Mar 12, 2012
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I too am fighting this
by: Anonymous

I am coming off heroin right now by using suboxone. It helps but I still feel like terribly mentally and physically. I didn't realize I would feel like I was losing my mind, not want to be around my three children(10,8,2), as they are my everything as well as my wife but I don't know what to do as i am so lethargic, feel no feelings of pleasure at all. I chose to quit because I was spending my checks, my wife's checks on this just feeling normal and we are both high earners with each earning above 75k and I am or should say was blowing it all just to feel normal and have my daily heroin. It started with a legitimate shoulder rotator cuff surgery that grew from vicodins, to pain management clinics to finally buying on the street. What a stupid mistake switching to heroin was as this stuff is 100 times harder to come off of than pills and they were impossible for me after legitimate injury. I'm only 39. I can't keep my legs or body still while in bed. Do not give up, if anyone needs you I do right now After seeing my 2 1/2 year old son look at me like I he didn't know me because I snappefat him for making to much noise playing. I know I'm done for him, them, me. I don't know how I'm gonna do it yet, but I have to as I have three children that I am so close to and always have been. My poor wife doesn't know about the heroin, only the pills that she thinks i quit about 7 months ago when I started suboxone. I must be charming and relatively good looking guy because the doctor would never test me, he would say I was not lik addicts he sees everyday, I had a legitimate reason for getting addicted to pain pills. it doesn't take long to get addicted. I have a script for 360 10/325mg of which i would have consumed all 360 within 1 -11/2 weeks and then I had to go street buying. So I switched to heroin which is more powerful, cheaper, easily available. Just in the last 4 weeks Ive missed being included in drug raids at dealers by just minutes twice. I've never been successful in weaning down. Today was pure hell, the pains emotionally and physically one goes through is incredibly hard. I just want to feel normal and hug all of my family now so tightly because of how I treated them today. I'm late on everything and am close to losing it all. I guarantee not one of my neighbors would ever guess in there wildest dreams I'm an addict. Also my kids go to a private catholic school tuition hasn't been paid in a year. Thank God my wife and I still have our jobs so if i can pull this off, I can reverse most if not all damage. Please do this with me Nikki, please respond and maybe we can speak together. I have 1 chance to get it right.

Nov 09, 2011
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Your AWESOME!
by: Fabio

Nicole, let me start off by saying thank you. Your story is very moving. I can't say much as I am struggling like yourself. I was clean for 3 months of smoking meth, and made a huge mistake by going back. Luckily, I understand that I need to love myself; and that's what I want to pass to you. We need to learn to love ourselfs more than anything in the world. It's not easy, but never give up on yourself. Your a beautiful woman, please, never give up. Stay safe and clean. My friend.

Oct 02, 2011
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Please don't give up on yourself.
by: Anonymous

You have to learn to love yourself more than you love the drugs. your story is so touching. I wish I could reach out to you and make allyour pain and struggles go away. but I can't. no one can. only you can break this cycle of addiction, and you must do it before it kills you. Please do it. o many of us have been hirt by the past, and so many of us let the past control our lives. You can break out from this vicious cycle. Your story is the story of a survivor that can survive and thrive these vents on your life. Please, don't give up. You're better than this, and I will hope and pray everyday that you win your struggle. The drugs don't have to define your life. That's for you to do, and I know you can. Please don't quit on yourself. god Bless you and kee you save from all the terrible challenges you're working against.

Sep 02, 2011
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Cry for you
by: hong konger

Dear Nicole:

I don't know you and you don't know me either, but after reading your full story, I wanted to cry. I hope you can find the light in your life soon. It is easier said then done but please give yourself and all the people who has hope for you a chance. All you need is the determination, a goal and have hope in your future.

You can choose to end your story here and never write again, but you can also be a living example to encourage others!

You are important, you count for something, and you are beautiful in the eye of the lord.

A fellow from Hong Kong

Aug 10, 2011
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You Are AWESOME!!!!!
by: Anonymous

Nic....You're So Awesome!!! So Strong!! THE LORD HAS BIG PLANS FOR YOU SWEETNESS!!!! :) Surrender to him & all WILL BE RESTORED!! You are an inspiration to me!! THANK YOU!!!!

Oct 03, 2010
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Nicole, my heart aches....
by: Anonymous

Nicole, my heart aches for you. My son started using drugs too. I don't know where it will end. He says hes not addicted. Crystal meth is his drug. Thanks for your article. I will pray for you. God bless your mother. Her pain is just as bad I'm sure.

Aug 24, 2010
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Really?
by: Anonymous

Well, I will start by saying that it is good that you take responsibility for your choices as well as that you are honest about things. Now, heroin and meth are hard to quit, and I definitely give you credit for being able to quit. Same with alcohol really. However, adderall is a medication that reacts differently from person to person and a large part of that addiction is your choice to abuse it, not that you were prescribed it. I've been on adderall for many months, and it has completely changed my life for the better. It saved me from suicide and a shitty future. Responsible use of this medication for my ADD and depression has made me a better person. Ask anyone who knows me and they will agree. to stop your addiction, stop snorting or shooting up the drug and take it as prescribed. You won't withdrawl much. From there, wean down the dose, and talk to your doctor about your dependancy. Adderall addiction is a lot easier to handle than meth and heroin from a chemical and psychological standpoint. Be glad you're not on Xanax..

Apr 20, 2010
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How are you?
by: Sami

I'm not sure... Didn't see the date... Of when you wrote this but you sound so much like me that I had to comment. How are you doing now? I've been addicted to painkillers for 5 years and this is the hardest struggle I've ever had to deal with. I've witnessed murder and have been the victim of physical abuse yet this addiction has be controlled. I'm 27 years old and my body feels like it's 80. These pills are killing me and now I've found myself taking add medication concerts along with the pills to make the high last longer. I would love to read an update on your story and just know your not alone. I wake up everymorning reaching for those pils wishing I could fall back asleep and never wake up. But we have to wake up.

Dec 09, 2009
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Love Yourself
by: Nick

Hi Nicole, My name is Nick and I'm from Altoona Pa. I know first hand of where your coming from, in order to get well you must first truly love yourself and have respect for your body, second you must believe in god, be spiritual and pray from the heart, and third you must find and trust in your life that you truly love and enjoy like marine biology or maybe psychology/drug counselor.

It took three months after my first daughter was born to grow up and be a man again because I surely wasn't raised to be a piece of shit, I did it to myself. I just diverted my ways and how I spent my time and now I'm a full time father and husband which occupies all my time and I'm glad for this. I don't even drink alcohol, don't have the time to be distorted in the head anymore and I'm glad! If you truly have it in your heart to be well you will by all means!

Oct 05, 2009
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You are not alone..keep your head up girl
by: Anonymous

I may not have been addicted to that many narcotics but one drug is just like another, and because I am an addict right now I do know exactly the way you are feeling. There odviously a reason you are still alive to tell this story of complete courage. there is a purpose, that is with no dought in my mind or the minds of any one who reads this story.and reading this story i am for sure you will find a way once more to finally get up and brush yourself off. you are going to be the person who saves other peoples lifes when they learn about recovery and that there is a way out of this hell built by drugs.good luck nicole i am praying for you

Sep 18, 2009
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Thank you
by: C-P

Hi Nicole

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You've been through a heck of a lot and your fighting spirit truly is remarkable.

You said it yourself - you need help. To overcome an addiction like yours alone is far too difficult. It's time you brought in the professionals and got yourself into an addiction treatment facility.

Because remember - there is more to successfully overcoming an addiction than just abstinence. We become addicts because we're lacking on spiritual, mental and emotional levels. So part of the healing of an addiction is about working towards making those parts of ourselves whole again.

You've obviously got tremendous will power - to quit heroin and crystal meth the way you did is phenomenal. So use that will power to get help and begin working at the healing you need to undergo. Time spent in a treatment center can literally save your life.

Also get yourself to NA meetings. You'll meet amazing people there who have gone through what you have and can support you in your journey of recovery. Plus the foundation of NA - the 12 steps - provide you with a recovery program you can work that will help you overcome your addictions once and for all.

If you just apply a fraction of the will power you used in quitting heroin and crystal meth into working the 12 steps, I guarantee you you'll be able to leave a life of addiction behind you once and for all.

So just do these two things - make an appointment with an Addictions Counselor in your area and have that person recommend a treatment facility to you. They'll be able to help you find one right for you in terms of what you can afford etc.

And second - get yourself to an NA meeting straight away. The people there will be really supportive, and can also offer advice about treatment options etc. available.

Just take one step at a time. You've gotten back up before - you can do it again! Except instead of doing it alone this time - get help and surround yourself with people who can support you and understand addiction (not like your previous doctor).

I have faith in you and know you can do it.

God Bless





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