Broke Up with my Boyfriend. He is Enabling his Daughter's Drug Addiction
I had to end my almost 10 year relationship with my boyfriend. His daughter has been using drugs for several years (she is over 18 now). Every time she gets into trouble, it's the same excuses he uses ... I HAVE to help her, THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT, THIS time she is serious about changing, she just made a couple of bad decisions, everyone makes mistakes, I HAVE to buy her a car so she can look for work, I HAVE to pay for her insurance, etc., etc.
She ended up being arrested for drug dealing, and the state impounded her car, which my boyfriend gave her. The tow fees and impound fees ended up being so expensive, they just left the car there. He of course immediately bailed her out of jail, and provided her with another car to drive, this time putting her on his insurance and paying it.
He told her she could continue living at his house, rent free. All she had to do was attempt to find a job. She found a part-time job, and stopped looking for anything full-time. He sat her down and gave her an ultimatum that he was tired of her lies, tired of her screwing up and lying to him and if she did it AGAIN, she was out for good.
Well, she screwed up again (using drugs) and he kicked her out. He went against his word, and let her come back saying she was crying and if he didn't let her move back, she'd be living on the streets and prostituting. He's again scrambling to get her another car, says he has to HELP her, and that this time he feels she's serious about changing.
He also has he has no options with her, because no one else will help her (her mother is finished with her because she's spent a lot of attorney fees and this girl stole money from her mother and stepfather).
I told him he was wrong to be doing this. I told him she should either join the military or she should get an apartment with a room-mate along a bus route and find FULL TIME work along the bus route. If she wants a car, she will be forced to save her money. If she wants to eat, she'll be forced to save her money. He won't make her move out or do anything she doesn't want to do.
He was then making excuses for why she should live at home until she's 25 years old. He claims he lived at home until
he was 25 and she knows this, and she's using it against him, calling him a hypocrite if he makes her move out. She doesn't want to leave home because she basically has it made. She doesn't even have to wash her own dishes!
He claimed she tried to get into rehab about a month ago, but they wouldn't let her come back because she'd already been there within the allowed six-month time period (state only pays for a stay every six months). But now he's saying that she's not addicted to drugs. I asked how that is possible when she was so recently trying to get into a rehab? He said, "She wasn't that addicted ... she just stopped."
I just can't believe it's the same thing over and over with them. Anyway, he broke up with me because I wouldn't support him when it came to his daughter. He's right ... I won't support him enabling her.
Am I off base on all of this? I mean ... does it sound like enabling? Can people be "not that addicted" to drugs and just stop? I am so angry and so upset he tossed our relationship aside to continue playing these games with her.
You're absolutely spot on, your boyfriend is enabling his daughter's drug addiction, and until he stops, nothing is likely to change. A person doesn't just miraculously change from being a drug addict, to no longer being addicted. Unfortunately it's not that simple ... nor easy.
The thing is, your boyfriend doesn't seem to really understand the nature of addiction and all the insanity that accompanies it. In his eyes he's just trying to help his daughter, when in reality all he's doing is keeping her sick for longer. Because until there are consequences for her continuing to use drugs, she has no motivation to change.
He would probably have benefited from attending a few Nar-Anon meetings where he'd meet other parents dealing with addiction in a child, but if he's not willing to listen and be open up to the idea that his approach isn't helping, then sadly there is little more you could have done.
Hopefully he'll eventually reach the point where he realises he can't continue enabling his daughter as he is. Your advise to him was absolutely right, but at the same time don't bear any ill will towards him because he's only following his instincts, i.e. wanting to protect his daughter - and sometimes it does take a long time and plenty heartache before someone realises what they're doing isn't working.