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The Addict I Fell in Love With Has Broken My Heart

by Laura
(Chicago)

I am a therapist. A counselor. So I am here to say, if I can turn a blind eye to the problems my man was struggling with ... anyone can. I am divorced, 50 years old, and was at first charmed by my bf when I met him on an on-line dating site. "Ready for a relationship"!


We enjoyed the kind of banter that felt like we both had the same script. When we first met, I was with a friend. Within the first 20 minutes of talking to "Mark", I KNEW he was it. Never have had that feeling before. The words coming out of his mouth, they made me laugh, harder than I ever have. We "got each other". I knew. And it was green light for me. Mark knew too.

But sadly, after a 5 hour first date, it was a red light for him. He got scared. Ran off for a month. Contacted me later and eluded to how he was "broken". Been divorced from a women he never respected and was father to a bi-polar teen. He use to do coke ... lots if it. And hookers, and lots of food, and town cars in NYC ... living the "dream" on Wall Street.

He let me know he was sorry for disapearing but he needed to get his life together. Meditate, study Buddism, exercise, and he was a long way from being ready for me. Got it. Another month goes by and he pops back in. Life is good. He is good. And we began a love affair.

We knew friends in common. People who hadn't seen him since high school. No one could believe he was "back". He said he was happy for the first time ever. We did "couples" things like double dating. He sang me songs on his guitar. He made me love him. Introduced me to his Mom. Wrote his son at overnight camp about me ...

We spent at least 4 days a week together. He would drink wine at dinner. I never asked if he should. I was having so much fun. Every day I said a prayer "thank-you". I thanked God for bringing me this wonderful, charismatic, bright, successful, talented, wonderful man into my life.

And he always said to me ... If I was to make the perfect woman for me ... it would be you! I was the first woman he had sober sex with. He was so nervous that he wouldn't be able to. He held me tight at night and say "you have to show me how to do this relationship thing."

He spoke to my daughter ... 21 ... asked her how he should introduce his son to me. There wasn't a story about himself he didn't share. My friends loved him. He loved them. Most of all, we loved each other.

And then he invited me on a business trip to NYC. It was to be our last hurrah of the summer. His son was home after that. We spent the best 48 hours of my life! We had so much energy together we met people wherever we were. Did we drink some on this vacation ... Yep. Not that much. But he didn't meditate. We just went nonstop.

He was triggered alot one day while walking through Central Park. He was so remorseful ... of the money wasted on drugs back in the day. Sad about the years he wasn't there for his son ... when he wasn't high. How mean he had been to his wife. I tried to bring him back to the moment.

On the flight home, he said he wished we could live together. He would take custody of his son and we could get married. Part of me was elated. The other part of me was starting to see him spin out of control.

He spent only one day with his son before wanting to be with me. It was Saturday night. We spoke about him moving a bit closer to me with his son. He was getting happier and happier. He opened a bottle of wine. He began getting a bit manic. He jumped up and remembered he had a better, more special bottle so he opened that too.

Next thing I know ... The man who had been dieting like crazy ordered a large pizza and cheesecake! I asked gently if he was going to be mad at himself tomorrow. He assured me I needed to go along with him. When we went to bed that night ... the sex started off intimate. But soon after we finished he was ready to go again! I felt like he was using sex and me as a drug.

He talked and sang nonstop for hours. He was funny but I was beginning to see that there had to be a crash coming. And I was right. That Tuesday he texted me from work that he missed me. Could we go out to dinner. On the way to dinner, he called his son and asked if he wanted to go to a concert with me and him that weekend. He son said "sure". Mark was surprised but happy.

At dinner he was still talking about how we could manage all this balancing. I said "maybe we should just slow things down and take a couple steps back." It was said with love but I will never forget the look that flashed on his face. He had started to bring back up the walls. It was a lovely dinner though. Until the end.

As we were walking to the car he said' "You are the perfect woman for me. If I can't make it with you, I will be alone forever." I smiled and reached for his hand. But the Mark I knew was gone! Another Mark was in his place. "I can't do this! You are too much of a distraction. I should be meditating now or practicing the piano. I can't be with you any more." My heart stopped.

I pleaded for him to not do this. We could work it out. He was already gone though. Dropped me off and said to not call him, write him or text him ... ever! I cried for days. He blocked my phone, email and texts. A month went by and he sent me a text that he had ran a half marathon.

When I called from a different number to talk he said that he shouldn't have texted me. That I was causing him angst and pain whenever he thought of me or I popped up to say hi. I was an unhealthy trigger for him and he needed to stay on his path or he would die. I jeapordised his life and his son's. He would not let that happen.

All he could handle was work, his son, meditation and a group. No more me ... Ever. Not as a lover, not as a friend. We would never have a future ... ever! Being happy for the first time ever made him start to crave coke. I don't even do coke! I don't know anyone who does.

I would have done anything to help him and his son. I know we met for a reason. I miss him ever day. But to him ... he says I am like one of his drug dealers calling even when he was trying to stop. I am sad. I am sad. We do not live close to each other so I know we will never cross paths. I miss him but all I can do is leave him alone forever. Is this a story that resonates with anyone? I feel like I made this whole thing up.


If Laura's is a story you resonate with because yours is much the same ... you're looking for answers but nothing you do seems to help ... then Help Me! I'm Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic or Drug Addict can finally give you the answers you've been searching for. No more feeling lost in the dark with everything you try ending in pain, disappointment or frustration. Don't let this happen to you. Learn from what Laura when through.



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Sep 20, 2011
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Thanks!
by: Anonymous

You are right...it sounds very similar. Loving someone who doesn't love themselves is a double edge sword. First they idolize us (although we are awesome! Lol) and that is quite seductive. Then when we start to love them in return...,there respect level for us plummets! Sort of like the "I wouldn't want to join a club who have me as a member" syndrome! May these men we loved recover .,....but more importantly...may we find men who are healthy enough to love us!!

Sep 19, 2011
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You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I too met a wonderful man, also online, who instantly made me feel that there was hope in finding a special someone after 6 years of dating nightmares after my divorce. After only a few online messages we talked for 5 hours, meet the next night and I was blown away by how much we had in common and the general ease at which we got along. The waitress on the first night even commented about how obvious it was that we really liked being with each other. We had similar scheduled, no children (in town, he has a 22 yr old daughter living in another state), so spending lots of time together came easily. After only a few weeks of dating we had the first "meltdown". We were meeting for a casual dinner of wings & poker (video), which would also include a few beers. This was very normal, we would have a few drinks with dinner on a regular basis but nothing I deemed a problem. That night he picked a fight with me about the tab, ending with him yelling at me in the parking lot that he had to focus on too much- work, school and now this relationship- something had to give and I was it. We worked it out, only to have him pull nearly the same thing on our birthdays (we are one day apart). He had told me that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, yet he does feel he deserve me or to be happy. He refuses to talk to me, won't return my messages and I'm left feeling hurt and empty. I know that his drinking is far more of an issue than he will admit, even if he claims to want to get it under control. But like you, I am left wondering why this wonderful man came into my life only to shatter it.

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