Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Help Header

Steve's Story: Alcohol is Killing Me

by Steve
(US)

Alcohol has been my companion for the best part of 20 years now. My relationship with alcohol started off as a casual fling, like it does with most people I guess. Purely recreational, to make meeting friends after work, dinner parties and weekend barbecues more enjoyable.

I was during this period lucky enough to meet and fall in love with the most amazing woman and have two beautiful children. It felt like life couldn't get much better. Alcohol however continued to be my constant companion through all of this, but always manageable I felt, even if my wife thought I didn't need to drink as much as I did.

My father was an alcoholic and I was always very aware of how that effected our family. My parents ultimately divorced because of that and growing up in an alcoholic household affected both my sister and I deeply. My father ended up dying 10 years ago due to an alcohol induced stroke at the age of 52 and that really shook me up.

So even though I've always liked to drink, I tried to be careful about not going over the 'edge' if you know what I mean.

About 7 years into my marriage, things started to get a little rocky. I guess that happens at some point in most relationships. You probably take each other a little for granted and don't put in the effort you should.

My wife and I started fighting more. She felt I wasn't paying her enough attention. I felt she was nagging unnecessarily. And so things continued on a slippery slope for the next couple of years. Regular fights mixed with the odd period of calm in-between.

I just ended up drinking more, but still figured I had things under control and always thought that somehow things between my wife and I would eventually work out because I did still love her. Looking back now, why I thought that I don't know because I wasn't making any effort to improve things between us.

Then the bombshell hit. I can still remember the day clear as night. I got home from work one day and my wife had her suitcase packed and said she was leaving me - and taking the kids with her. She'd met someone else. Apparently she'd been having an affair for the last 6 months already.

At first I begged her to stay. Promised I would try harder and make more effort. She said it was too late. Didn't love me anymore. And then I got angry. Said I would fight her for the kids and make sure she got as little as possible from a divorce.

It got ugly and got to the point where we couldn't even speak to each other except through our lawyers. God, what this must've done to the kids I don't know, and I'll carry that guilt with me forever.

She got custody of course and I would have the kids one night during the week and every other weekend, with the provision that my drinking remain under control.

But something inside me during this period just died. Alcohol became my best friend, my comfort, to help ease the pain. A 'few' drinks everyday became a bottle. And over the last 5 years as a result my life has become a living hell.

My kids wanted to stop seeing me because I had just become a drunk in their eyes. That's probably been the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with. You'd think that would motivate me to sort myself out, but I just don't have the strength.

I guess they just got sick of the dad that always disappointed them because he was too drunk to see them. For every week I was sober enough to see them, I'd miss three because I was drunk. Eventually my ex-wife said enough, 'until you sober up, I won't let you see the kids.' I knew she was right.

I've reached the point now where I know alcohol is actually killing me.
My doctor says I've damaged my liver pretty bad and that if I don't stop soon, I could up like my father.

I do try and stop sometimes and get through a week or two without having a drink, but 'something' always draws me back. I know I should try and get help, but I'm not sure rehab or anything like that is for me.

Maybe I just don't have the will to live anymore. I know I should because of the kids, but I just don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this. It feels like alcohol will probably kill me like it did my dad. Maybe that's also my destiny?

Comments for Steve's Story: Alcohol is Killing Me

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Another Shot Of Jack NEW
by: Anonymous

Me holding a shot glassFind it on you tube

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
laying it down NEW
by: peteyg

ive been hardcore for 33yrs and booze has been my crutch for life..Ive put it ahead of Christ, family,career,health ect. I finally realize I cant control the lie anymore, it's ran it's course so I have decided to just let it go and trust God 100%...lay it down and build a life...

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
54 years old and dying NEW
by: Anonymous

alcohol has been my master my whole life now Im homeless divorced & my liver is shot=Im afraid to die and afraid to live

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Your not alone
by: Anonymous

Steve, you are not alone there mate. I drink myself to sleep EVERY night for the last 5 years, I'm 40 been a drinker since 13. Unlike yourself I hate the booze, but it rules me. I've been to counsellors, Aa, the doc, and been on naltrexone but every time I end up drinking more than before. It will kill me, I have 5 kids, a full time job and married with my own house but I am miserable because I'm ruled by booze. I'm sick and in pain but no one can stop me.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Man, I am so glad to you guys that posted
by: Mitch

And to the other 10,000 readers who feel the SAME. Do NOT, ever, no matter how hard it gets, give up to alcohol.

I can say 'ditto' to so much of the pain. The journey, AA, suicide, lost jobs, family alcoholism, homelessness.

I have been 'in the hole' for 5 days (again! so I have no advice, religion or dogma. Just hang in there today until bedtime, ok? If the cravings are so bad then have what you need. Just enough), but when I am out of here (able to 'get off it') I wanna start a website for anyone who needs help. I have no formal qualifications (but I can tell you that the poster above who suggested you try antabuse/disulfram) has no idea. The compulsion is stronger than your love of a child. You think you give a darn about a child's pain? (at least not when in the throes of alcoholism).
Disulfram is evil. Used it, DRANK on it 3 times.


I have a suggestion (and I swear by God that this website will not be for profit - and advertising will be banned) but I will make it, and welcome all brothers and sisters (I dont care about your denomination). What I have read here tonight has helped me. Maybe we can help each other?

If you would be interested in joining (anon) such a blog then please email me at eastrentuition@gmail.com.

Maybe by being of service we can help one another?

God bless.
M

ps. I have tried AA for 9 years, so if that is your solution then Peace be upon you. I cannot advocate religion either (pastor for 6 years and God did NOT save me). I really think that only by sharing who we are, with another human being, in safety, and in doing so humbling or massive egos, can we get better, and have the daily support we need.

I really hope to hear from some of you soon. Leave me a contact email so I can let you know once the website is up and you can help me design it/give input regards best format.

Try your best not to give yourself a hammering today with alcohol. Just a little today eases the cravings tomorrow.

With love.
Mitch
X

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
it happened to my father except he hasnt passed yet...
by: Anonymous

its sad how things like this happen to anyone. horrible things can occur, like the alcoholics start becoming abusive verbally and physically. my father is a major alcoholic and it has been hard to deal with him throughout my life. especially recently because he has a bad anger problem and an emotional problem. he has said that he has tried quitting or atleast would try for us, his kids and wife, but it just hasnt ever happened. i know it can be hard for people like him to quit drinking once you have been addicted to it for all these years and it is better if you choose that you want to quit, especially once you have realised how it has impacted on them and their family. i love my father so much but because of his drinking, it has become very hard to deal with, and also he has been making bad decisions, which he has realised but cant help it. and because of all this , we have no contact, the alcohol has taken total control on him and i just cant deal with him saying that he will quit over and over again and then never does it. i know he wants to but he just cant and wont. its hard and i hope he pulls through eventually.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
mirror
by: Anonymous

that is my story except I am financially legally and socially destroyed. I went unconscious last Saturday hit my head on porch and was out for a minute or so almost choking on my own vomit likely someone was there to bring me back. here I am pushing my body to limit again. and I am on 4 years probation for me dui....got two beautiful kids feel like life Is over already

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
What about the siblings??
by: Adina

Guess what? As I read these posts I feel sick to my stomach.I have never had a taste for alcohol, HOWEVER, my brother, while HIGHLY functioning (career-wise) for years, has been an alcoholic since his mid 20's.He is now in his late 40's and physically (and otherwise)a mess.The emotional damage he has done to his children, plus siblings too, is incalculable. But herein lies the rub. His wife has thwarted each and every effort to get him help, even to the point of not allowing a medically supervised intervention, plus she ignored the advice of an ER attending physician when he was brought in with a near fatal alcohol poisoning. My point being, the suffering of the alcoholic extends WAY past their immediate confines.Siblings too are deeply affected.Moreover, being married to an ENABLER is the kiss of death, as a loved one slowly slips away.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I m just about to b destroyed
by: Ankit

I am 27 , i m a regular drinker . Every evening i leave my office and the next job is to drink.
Friends i want to get rid of this help me pls.
Thanks ankit.k@me.com

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
god help me
by: mikeh

I am so sick right now, I just puked my guts up and I am going back for more.I want to tell you my story but I dont have the strength,I am weak and I think that is alcholism is.This stuff takes away your strength,your ability to fight,it takes everything.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Alcohol is Killing Me
by: Anonymous

When my aunt was diagnosed with cancer and my loved ones moved away to take care of her, I drank. A year after her death, I drank. When my mother was diagnosed with kidney cancer, I drank. More and more I started losing who I was... that loving, caring person who only wanted to help people... changed into someone who doesn't believe in anything. Even when his mother is fighting her disease so well and is on the verge of conquering it, he still doesn't know what life is worth. This is what alcohol does... it destroys you...

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
not alone
by: Anonymous

i lost the best woman ive ever met 2ys ago.
im losing my health and im hurting the ones who love me.. i cant stop and im out of control..
i know i need rehab but i havent checked myself in as of yet, hoping i csan shake it myself.
its been pretty bad for the last 5yrs. im 37yo

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
i understand
by: Anonymous

man it has just about destroyed me. it will alwayz be stronger than god cuz he cant stop me.i throw periods in to make me feel normal..........ok it feels good to escape if you really want to quit you have to go to the moon cause they dont have it satan has control of u and god let him........smoke pot and have fewer beer like have 1 pint of vodka and a joint and cut down live longer god will go away when you drink he will ignore you lol god wont help trust me i love you and i know what you are going to drink me to love u vodka rules

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
:(
by: Anonymous

my life is insane....drinking is killing me and im only 34....i lie dont work and am depressed beyond life....i drink from the time i wake up till i black out...i hate myself and fucking hate drinking but i cant stop!!! god i wish i could just stop......

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
We got to take what we gave.
by: Anonymous

Hey Steve, I can relate, I've lost my family, my wealth, my dignity and still I drink. Many mornings start with, not today, I'm not drinking today, and still the same. I've said to myself many times, How dare I think I have the right to drink, I've hurt my family beyond belief and I still feel I have the right to feel good. NOT, We drinkers all have to suffer some. We need to think of the suffering we've caused and do the time. I've wanted to die and still do sometimes but the fantasy of being a sober man some day and someday earning my families respect and love again keeps my dream of sobriety alive. Go to meetings man, get really uncomfortable and remember, This still isn't close to how bad we made our families feel. Good luck Steve.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Paulieinjapan
by: Anonymous

I'm also lost. Alcohol has stolen my soul. I thought it was my friend. But I just chose the wrong friend. I'm lost. I wanna break free from this situation. With luck we can do so maybe.
Paulie

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
still need you
by: Anonymous

My own father recently (august) died of liver cirrhosis at 49. i am not an alcoholic so i cannot presume to know what you are going through, but i can tell you what your children deal with. they love you. more than you know and in spite of your drinking. but the more they watch you deteriorate and basically stand by and watch you kill yourself, the more worthless they feel. they feel like they have failed you because there is nothing they can do to make you stop. they feel like they aren't good enough. they feel like they aren't worth living for. it is 6 months until my wedding. and i am beyond crushed that my dad didn't love me enough to live to see it. i know it is not really about how much he loved me or didn't love me, and that it is a crippling disease, but it still feels as though he would be there if only i had been more lovable. please for the sake of yourself, and your children, and those that love you (and there are many that do despite what you may believe) get help before you lose your life and break their hearts. remember all the things you want to see. your son/daughters wedding, future grandchildren, their graduation, italy... make a list of all the things to live for be it places you have always wanted to go, things you want to do, or your children's future. i don't know how old your kids are, but regardless of their age and of how often they see you, they still need their daddy.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Can we chat
by: Anonymous

What can i say - its a complete nightmare. Gosh how i identified and yes i have tried the aa way - it does not work for me. i only wish i could help with words of wisdom but like you i am in this hell of a no mans land. A part of me is willing to give up and die but then I see my kids and i know it is wrong. At this point it is likely i have invited the wrath of the I'm so bloody holy brigade. You know those who know how to control alcohol........So fey, so bloody whimsical - they deserve a kick up the arse not us...... we are in such a sad, lonely, angry, unfulfilling place. If you want to talk more let me know.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I think life has just became very hard the last few years for me.Mom died brother shot himself.I had an accident that affected my arms an fingers.Sometimes you just get that I dont give a shit attitude.So far I am still alive but if I died I really wouldnt care.Why is that? Is life really that stressful? I would say yes!I have thought of the way I would kill myself,but not to serious.I like many just get tired of it all. If you quit drinking that would help. I hope one day I can,I just wanted to say your not alone in this world. I to feel very Stressed but you just have to deal with it to a point. If you can't than seek some help.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
To Last Anonymous Poster
by: Anonymous

Your destiny doesn't have to be like Steve's father. You can choose differently for yourself. You may have been to rehab and tried AA - but have you really committed to living and working the principles they teach? Rehab and 12 step programs are designed to give you the tools to live a sober life - it's up to you to use them to achieve that. You don't just go to rehab and that's that - your addiction disappears. It takes lots of effort and work to achieve sobriety - but the rewards are well worth it. If you work the steps - eventually the desire to drink will leave you. But you've got to work them to get to that point. It doesn't just happen. So commit to changing your life and doing what it necessary to change - and you'll get there. God Bless and Good Luck

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Steve
by: Anonymous

I agree with u steve, it is so so so hard trying to accept that drinking is killing you and ruining your life. i have been drinking for 20 years every day straight with maybe a total of 20 days off. i have always help good jobs with high pay etc. i have built 3 home, had 3 children and been divorced due to my alcohol addiction. i now have another wonderful partner who wants to spend her life with me and my kids are now grow up, yet still i drink every day. i've been to AA, no luck, flew across the country for re hab (30days) only to reward myself with a drink when done! today i hate what this is doing to me yet i still take the drug. why why why???? on the days i have been sober i love it so why cant i stay that way???? is my destiny death like steves father? if so i feel evryone i love would be better of without me?

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Medication for alcoholism?
by: Anonymous

I've been told that your doctor can prescribe a medication that makes you vomit when you drink. It's not a behavorial cure, but is could help you put some distance between you and alcohol. You take the meds and if you drink, you vomit and feel like crap. It last all day so there's no "changing your mind" after you take it and could help to control impulse drinking (like reaching for the bottle when you have a bad day at work or hear from your ex wife).

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Completely Screwed
by: Anonymous

I read this and understand completely but can't help but to go pour another drink. Guessing its a lost cause. I haven't lost my family, job, or got a dui so I suspect it will take a life changing event to prompt my personal change.
Thanks for sharing.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
alone
by: Anonymous

I stay up late...waiting for HIM to fall asleep.*pass out drunk*..when he finally does it's sadness +happiness all rolled into one.Life is one looong night rolled into one sad day after another. I HATE our life together..and I hate myself. He will never go to an AA meeting.. I have been to several. On the sly, I go..alone sad..I feel so alone..so sad and desperate.. he says it's my fault, but I know better..try to DO better but i feel myself silently hating him ten years now... whos the fool i suppose

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Keep Fighting
by: Keith (UK)

Steve I've just read your story. I am concerned by your thoughts of suicide. Alcohol is a depressant and many Alcoholics try to kill themselves, mostly due to the depressive nature of the drug, (and remember it IS a drug like any other), it just happens to be socially acceptable and encouraged in the West. I have had many battles with the booze, and my life is nothing like I would have hoped for myself at 50 years old, but I continue to fight, because that is all I have left. Fairly recently I stumbled across a Alcoholism website, which had a different approach to stopping. At first glance it seemed a little simplistic, but I read it, as I've tried almost every other way to stop with very varied degrees of success and failure. I really urge you to look at this website as this approach is really helping me, and is surprisingly easy to do.
Let me just confirm to you that the booze has destroyed the last 15 years of my life, but now I know the enemy and I can win. SO CAN YOU. P.S. I am not in any way affiliated to the website address below. This is not about the business of money, just concern and friendship. The website is: http://www.rational.org/

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Don't give up.....
by: Anonymous

Steve I have an uncle named steve who has alcohol problems as well. Don't give up and keep trying. The worst thing is death. Alcohol is your enemy. Just think that. You know you can do it. How about your kids. You're doing this for your kids. Your kids need a father. Do this for them. Please email with with updates of your progress: adam.baker270@yahoo.com

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
amazing
by: Anonymous

K Seriiusly beside youtube the odd comment ima leave my saying... im only 22 but im very skinny and i drink profusly and sometimes 3 days after having a drink and feeling find i have 1 and in blantit terms my body immediatly rejects it and i feel sick... not puke sick or drunk sick but stomach pains ...your column i was looking for an answer to this... didnt get it but your story was awesome i feel bad for u man but i truly think u are a trooper for writing it on the net and telling people how u feel cause i can somehow (young) relate to it for my gf of 7 years left me.. and my drinking started then... my dad is like your dad so i always fought against this... but now im 22 almost 23 and doing this same deal but im young and feeling extrememe pain from it its not good i need to know facts! thanks to anybody who heres or reads this but ill never see it again cause i googles 4 times in 4 diff phrases How Do I Know When Alcohol Is Killing Me,.... and got this...thanks tho and goodluck i hope u havent died or anything

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
amazing
by: Anonymous

K Seriiusly beside youtube the odd comment ima leave my saying... im only 22 but im very skinny and i drink profusly and sometimes 3 days after having a drink and feeling find i have 1 and in blantit terms my body immediatly rejects it and i feel sick... not puke sick or drunk sick but stomach pains ...your column i was looking for an answer to this... didnt get it but your story was awesome i feel bad for u man but i truly think u are a trooper for writing it on the net and telling people how u feel cause i can somehow (young) relate to it for my gf of 7 years left me.. and my drinking started then... my dad is like your dad so i always fought against this... but now im 22 almost 23 and doing this same deal but im young and feeling extrememe pain from it its not good i need to know facts! thanks to anybody who heres or reads this but ill never see it again cause i googles 4 times in 4 diff phrases How Do I Know When Alcohol Is Killing Me,.... and got this...thanks tho and goodluck i hope u havent died or anything

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Message for 'I Think I need Help'
by: Anonymous

I moved your message/question to the Q&A section. You'll find an answer/reply there. Please go there to read it. Telling us more about your situation would also help so we can give you a more detailed answer.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
i think i need help
by: Anonymous

i am very depressed i mfeel like im stuck in a hole and people just walk by an dont even care i have said for a long time that drink is the only thing that helps me feel just that bit better i have kids please help

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
feel the same
by: Anonymous

i know how you feel,my stories the same.im sick off drinking but carnt stop myself.its the only way i can face things.i feel so guilty im missing out on my family,but its still not enough to stop me.ive lost so much,im a selfish bitch.hope you turn your life around.

Rating
starstarstarstar
Hang in There
by: Anonymous

Hang in there Steve. I almost lost everything too, but I got through it. You can too. Don't be too stubborn to get help. Your kids deserve a father.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Steve there is always a way
by: C-P

There is always a way. Never give up hope believing that you too can find sobriety. Millions have done it. You can too. You need to realise though that you can't do it alone. Alcoholism isn't something to try and beat by yourself. If you don't want to get professional help, start going to AA meetings straight away. There are loads of people who have beat alcoholism just by going to meetings. You can do this. Think of what it will be like for you to see your kids again - as a proud father who no longer drinks. Use them as your motivation. Your destiny doesn't have to be that of your father's. You make your destiny. Choose differently. And if you can't do it for yourself to begin with, then do it for your kids. They deserve to have their father around.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Archive of Your Drug Addiction and Alcoholism Stories.





+1 Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com  

FREE E-Course

"10 Essential Steps to Ending a Life of Alcoholism or Drug Addiction ... Permanently!"

This Course is packed full of valuable information and advice for overcoming addiction that you're unlikely to find anywhere else.

And if you subscribe now - we'll throw in a Special eBook that will help immensely in your struggle against addiction.
E-mail
Name
Then

Don't worry - your e-mail
address is totally secure.
Your details will NEVER be sold and you will NOT be spammed.



XML RSS
What is this?
Add to My Yahoo!
My MSN RSS button
Add to Google


Copyright © 2013 - Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com - All Rights Reserved.