Steve's Story: Alcohol is Killing Me

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Steve's Story: Alcohol is Killing Me

by Steve
(US)

Alcohol has been my companion for the best part of 20 years now. My relationship with alcohol started off as a casual fling, like it does with most people I guess. Purely recreational, to make meeting friends after work, dinner parties and weekend barbecues more enjoyable.

I was during this period lucky enough to meet and fall in love with the most amazing woman and have two beautiful children. It felt like life couldn't get much better. Alcohol however continued to be my constant companion through all of this, but always manageable I felt, even if my wife thought I didn't need to drink as much as I did.

My father was an alcoholic and I was always very aware of how that effected our family. My parents ultimately divorced because of that and growing up in an alcoholic household affected both my sister and I deeply. My father ended up dying 10 years ago due to an alcohol induced stroke at the age of 52 and that really shook me up.

So even though I've always liked to drink, I tried to be careful about not going over the 'edge' if you know what I mean.

About 7 years into my marriage, things started to get a little rocky. I guess that happens at some point in most relationships. You probably take each other a little for granted and don't put in the effort you should.

My wife and I started fighting more. She felt I wasn't paying her enough attention. I felt she was nagging unnecessarily. And so things continued on a slippery slope for the next couple of years. Regular fights mixed with the odd period of calm in-between.

I just ended up drinking more, but still figured I had things under control and always thought that somehow things between my wife and I would eventually work out because I did still love her. Looking back now, why I thought that I don't know because I wasn't making any effort to improve things between us.

Then the bombshell hit. I can still remember the day clear as night. I got home from work one day and my wife had her suitcase packed and said she was leaving me - and taking the kids with her. She'd met someone else. Apparently she'd been having an affair for the last 6 months already.

At first I begged her to stay. Promised I would try harder and make more effort. She said it was too late. Didn't love me anymore. And then I got angry. Said I would fight her for the kids and make sure she got as little as possible from a divorce.

It got ugly and got to the point where we couldn't even speak to each other except through our lawyers. God, what this must've done to the kids I don't know, and I'll carry that guilt with me forever.

She got custody of course and I would have the kids one night during the week and every other weekend, with the provision that my drinking remain under control.

But something inside me during this period just died. Alcohol became my best friend, my comfort, to help ease the pain. A 'few' drinks everyday became a bottle. And over the last 5 years as a result my life has become a living hell.

My kids wanted to stop seeing me because I had just become a drunk in their eyes. That's probably been the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with. You'd think that would motivate me to sort myself out, but I just don't have the strength.

I guess they just got sick of the dad that always disappointed them because he was too drunk to see them. For every week I was sober enough to see them, I'd miss three because I was drunk. Eventually my ex-wife said enough, 'until you sober up, I won't let you see the kids.' I knew she was right.

I've reached the point now where I know alcohol is actually killing me.
My doctor says I've damaged my liver pretty bad and that if I don't stop soon, I could up like my father.

I do try and stop sometimes and get through a week or two without having a drink, but 'something' always draws me back. I know I should try and get help, but I'm not sure rehab or anything like that is for me.

Maybe I just don't have the will to live anymore. I know I should because of the kids, but I just don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this. It feels like alcohol will probably kill me like it did my dad. Maybe that's also my destiny?

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Steve's Story: Alcohol is Killing Me

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I m just about to b destroyed
by: Ankit

I am 27 , i m a regular drinker . Every evening i leave my office and the next job is to drink.
Friends i want to get rid of this help me pls.
Thanks ankit.k@me.com

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god help me
by: mikeh

I am so sick right now, I just puked my guts up and I am going back for more.I want to tell you my story but I dont have the strength,I am weak and I think that is alcholism is.This stuff takes away your strength,your ability to fight,it takes everything.

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Alcohol is Killing Me
by: Anonymous

When my aunt was diagnosed with cancer and my loved ones moved away to take care of her, I drank. A year after her death, I drank. When my mother was diagnosed with kidney cancer, I drank. More and more I started losing who I was... that loving, caring person who only wanted to help people... changed into someone who doesn't believe in anything. Even when his mother is fighting her disease so well and is on the verge of conquering it, he still doesn't know what life is worth. This is what alcohol does... it destroys you...

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not alone
by: Anonymous

i lost the best woman ive ever met 2ys ago.
im losing my health and im hurting the ones who love me.. i cant stop and im out of control..
i know i need rehab but i havent checked myself in as of yet, hoping i csan shake it myself.
its been pretty bad for the last 5yrs. im 37yo

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i understand
by: Anonymous

man it has just about destroyed me. it will alwayz be stronger than god cuz he cant stop me.i throw periods in to make me feel normal..........ok it feels good to escape if you really want to quit you have to go to the moon cause they dont have it satan has control of u and god let him........smoke pot and have fewer beer like have 1 pint of vodka and a joint and cut down live longer god will go away when you drink he will ignore you lol god wont help trust me i love you and i know what you are going to drink me to love u vodka rules

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:(
by: Anonymous

my life is insane....drinking is killing me and im only 34....i lie dont work and am depressed beyond life....i drink from the time i wake up till i black out...i hate myself and fucking hate drinking but i cant stop!!! god i wish i could just stop......

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We got to take what we gave.
by: Anonymous

Hey Steve, I can relate, I've lost my family, my wealth, my dignity and still I drink. Many mornings start with, not today, I'm not drinking today, and still the same. I've said to myself many times, How dare I think I have the right to drink, I've hurt my family beyond belief and I still feel I have the right to feel good. NOT, We drinkers all have to suffer some. We need to think of the suffering we've caused and do the time. I've wanted to die and still do sometimes but the fantasy of being a sober man some day and someday earning my families respect and love again keeps my dream of sobriety alive. Go to meetings man, get really uncomfortable and remember, This still isn't close to how bad we made our families feel. Good luck Steve.

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Paulieinjapan
by: Anonymous

I'm also lost. Alcohol has stolen my soul. I thought it was my friend. But I just chose the wrong friend. I'm lost. I wanna break free from this situation. With luck we can do so maybe.
Paulie

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still need you
by: Anonymous

My own father recently (august) died of liver cirrhosis at 49. i am not an alcoholic so i cannot presume to know what you are going through, but i can tell you what your children deal with. they love you. more than you know and in spite of your drinking. but the more they watch you deteriorate and basically stand by and watch you kill yourself, the more worthless they feel. they feel like they have failed you because there is nothing they can do to make you stop. they feel like they aren't good enough. they feel like they aren't worth living for. it is 6 months until my wedding. and i am beyond crushed that my dad didn't love me enough to live to see it. i know it is not really about how much he loved me or didn't love me, and that it is a crippling disease, but it still feels as though he would be there if only i had been more lovable. please for the sake of yourself, and your children, and those that love you (and there are many that do despite what you may believe) get help before you lose your life and break their hearts. remember all the things you want to see. your son/daughters wedding, future grandchildren, their graduation, italy... make a list of all the things to live for be it places you have always wanted to go, things you want to do, or your children's future. i don't know how old your kids are, but regardless of their age and of how often they see you, they still need their daddy.

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Can we chat
by: Anonymous

What can i say - its a complete nightmare. Gosh how i identified and yes i have tried the aa way - it does not work for me. i only wish i could help with words of wisdom but like you i am in this hell of a no mans land. A part of me is willing to give up and die but then I see my kids and i know it is wrong. At this point it is likely i have invited the wrath of the I'm so bloody holy brigade. You know those who know how to control alcohol........So fey, so bloody whimsical - they deserve a kick up the arse not us...... we are in such a sad, lonely, angry, unfulfilling place. If you want to talk more let me know.

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I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I think life has just became very hard the last few years for me.Mom died brother shot himself.I had an accident that affected my arms an fingers.Sometimes you just get that I dont give a shit attitude.So far I am still alive but if I died I really wouldnt care.Why is that? Is life really that stressful? I would say yes!I have thought of the way I would kill myself,but not to serious.I like many just get tired of it all. If you quit drinking that would help. I hope one day I can,I just wanted to say your not alone in this world. I to feel very Stressed but you just have to deal with it to a point. If you can't than seek some help.

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To Last Anonymous Poster
by: Anonymous

Your destiny doesn't have to be like Steve's father. You can choose differently for yourself. You may have been to rehab and tried AA - but have you really committed to living and working the principles they teach? Rehab and 12 step programs are designed to give you the tools to live a sober life - it's up to you to use them to achieve that. You don't just go to rehab and that's that - your addiction disappears. It takes lots of effort and work to achieve sobriety - but the rewards are well worth it. If you work the steps - eventually the desire to drink will leave you. But you've got to work them to get to that point. It doesn't just happen. So commit to changing your life and doing what it necessary to change - and you'll get there. God Bless and Good Luck

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Hi Steve
by: Anonymous

I agree with u steve, it is so so so hard trying to accept that drinking is killing you and ruining your life. i have been drinking for 20 years every day straight with maybe a total of 20 days off. i have always help good jobs with high pay etc. i have built 3 home, had 3 children and been divorced due to my alcohol addiction. i now have another wonderful partner who wants to spend her life with me and my kids are now grow up, yet still i drink every day. i've been to AA, no luck, flew across the country for re hab (30days) only to reward myself with a drink when done! today i hate what this is doing to me yet i still take the drug. why why why???? on the days i have been sober i love it so why cant i stay that way???? is my destiny death like steves father? if so i feel evryone i love would be better of without me?

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Medication for alcoholism?
by: Anonymous

I've been told that your doctor can prescribe a medication that makes you vomit when you drink. It's not a behavorial cure, but is could help you put some distance between you and alcohol. You take the meds and if you drink, you vomit and feel like crap. It last all day so there's no "changing your mind" after you take it and could help to control impulse drinking (like reaching for the bottle when you have a bad day at work or hear from your ex wife).

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Completely Screwed
by: Anonymous

I read this and understand completely but can't help but to go pour another drink. Guessing its a lost cause. I haven't lost my family, job, or got a dui so I suspect it will take a life changing event to prompt my personal change.
Thanks for sharing.

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alone
by: Anonymous

I stay up late...waiting for HIM to fall asleep.*pass out drunk*..when he finally does it's sadness +happiness all rolled into one.Life is one looong night rolled into one sad day after another. I HATE our life together..and I hate myself. He will never go to an AA meeting.. I have been to several. On the sly, I go..alone sad..I feel so alone..so sad and desperate.. he says it's my fault, but I know better..try to DO better but i feel myself silently hating him ten years now... whos the fool i suppose

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Keep Fighting
by: Keith (UK)

Steve I've just read your story. I am concerned by your thoughts of suicide. Alcohol is a depressant and many Alcoholics try to kill themselves, mostly due to the depressive nature of the drug, (and remember it IS a drug like any other), it just happens to be socially acceptable and encouraged in the West. I have had many battles with the booze, and my life is nothing like I would have hoped for myself at 50 years old, but I continue to fight, because that is all I have left. Fairly recently I stumbled across a Alcoholism website, which had a different approach to stopping. At first glance it seemed a little simplistic, but I read it, as I've tried almost every other way to stop with very varied degrees of success and failure. I really urge you to look at this website as this approach is really helping me, and is surprisingly easy to do.
Let me just confirm to you that the booze has destroyed the last 15 years of my life, but now I know the enemy and I can win. SO CAN YOU. P.S. I am not in any way affiliated to the website address below. This is not about the business of money, just concern and friendship. The website is: http://www.rational.org/

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Don't give up.....
by: Anonymous

Steve I have an uncle named steve who has alcohol problems as well. Don't give up and keep trying. The worst thing is death. Alcohol is your enemy. Just think that. You know you can do it. How about your kids. You're doing this for your kids. Your kids need a father. Do this for them. Please email with with updates of your progress: adam.baker270@yahoo.com

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amazing
by: Anonymous

K Seriiusly beside youtube the odd comment ima leave my saying... im only 22 but im very skinny and i drink profusly and sometimes 3 days after having a drink and feeling find i have 1 and in blantit terms my body immediatly rejects it and i feel sick... not puke sick or drunk sick but stomach pains ...your column i was looking for an answer to this... didnt get it but your story was awesome i feel bad for u man but i truly think u are a trooper for writing it on the net and telling people how u feel cause i can somehow (young) relate to it for my gf of 7 years left me.. and my drinking started then... my dad is like your dad so i always fought against this... but now im 22 almost 23 and doing this same deal but im young and feeling extrememe pain from it its not good i need to know facts! thanks to anybody who heres or reads this but ill never see it again cause i googles 4 times in 4 diff phrases How Do I Know When Alcohol Is Killing Me,.... and got this...thanks tho and goodluck i hope u havent died or anything

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Message for 'I Think I need Help'
by: Anonymous

I moved your message/question to the Q&A section. You'll find an answer/reply there. Please go there to read it. Telling us more about your situation would also help so we can give you a more detailed answer.

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i think i need help
by: Anonymous

i am very depressed i mfeel like im stuck in a hole and people just walk by an dont even care i have said for a long time that drink is the only thing that helps me feel just that bit better i have kids please help

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feel the same
by: Anonymous

i know how you feel,my stories the same.im sick off drinking but carnt stop myself.its the only way i can face things.i feel so guilty im missing out on my family,but its still not enough to stop me.ive lost so much,im a selfish bitch.hope you turn your life around.

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Hang in There
by: Anonymous

Hang in there Steve. I almost lost everything too, but I got through it. You can too. Don't be too stubborn to get help. Your kids deserve a father.

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Steve there is always a way
by: C-P

There is always a way. Never give up hope believing that you too can find sobriety. Millions have done it. You can too. You need to realise though that you can't do it alone. Alcoholism isn't something to try and beat by yourself. If you don't want to get professional help, start going to AA meetings straight away. There are loads of people who have beat alcoholism just by going to meetings. You can do this. Think of what it will be like for you to see your kids again - as a proud father who no longer drinks. Use them as your motivation. Your destiny doesn't have to be that of your father's. You make your destiny. Choose differently. And if you can't do it for yourself to begin with, then do it for your kids. They deserve to have their father around.

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