My Husband Is a Dry Alcoholic Who Refuses To Get Help

by Lyn
(New Jersey)

We have two young daughters and I am contemplating divorce because I don't know that he'll ever want to change, but I don't know which is worse for our children.

He has been sober for 4 years but has all of the symptoms of a dry drunk. In addition he is very insecure, accuses me of wanting other men, meanwhile he has had many female relationships that he would never allow me to have were the shoe on the other foot.

He says we need marriage counseling, I say he needs to work on himself through support groups, etc. but he refuses. My friend who is an alanon sponsor says he will not change and I need to move on but I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Lyn, the only thing you have any control over is you and the choices you make. If your husband doesn't want to change, there is very little you can do that will improve your situation.

So you then either have to accept that he's simply going to remain a dry drunk and continue to behave the way he does - or you're going to have to change how you respond to him, which may mean deciding you're not getting what you need from your marriage anymore and that it's time to move on.

Children are done more harm by parents who stay in unhappy marriages, because the negative and toxic energy filters through to them. So staying in the marriage for the sake of your children is misguided.

Your friend is right. But maybe it is worth trying marriage counseling and see if that leads to any improvement, if you really want to try and make your marriage work still. But deep down only you know the answer to that, so you have to get honest with yourself first and foremost and decide what you want.

And if you really don't want to be in this marriage anymore, rather be honest about it and move on because it's not fair on either of you if your heart isn't really in it.

On the other hand, if you really want to make it work, once you're clear on what it is you need and want from your husband (like taking his recovery more seriously and dealing with his 'stuff') - those are the kinds of things you can voice in marriage counseling - and then see if that leads to any improvement.

So maybe a bit of time for quiet reflection is what you need, but deep down you probably know the answer already. Good luck whatever you decide.

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