My Husband always Blames Me for the Reason he Drinks (Alcoholism) and the Reason he Goes and does Irrational Things ... and now He's Using it as an Excuse to My Kids for his Behaviour ... How Do I Stop This?"

I don't know how to respond when he uses me as an excuse. I always say "its your choice to drink, it's your choice to go out and run around, it's your choice" - but he always manages to find a way to put the blame back on me and now he is using it as excuse to the kids "well if your mom didn't do this then I wouldn't go and do this.."

I have always been here for my kids and I am the only sober and reliable person they have and I am scared of what they will become hearing this all the time.

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Answer

You can't control what your husband says or does unfortunately - only your responses. But when you do respond you can make it very clear to your husband that him blaming you is simply his way of of failing to take responsibility for his problem (alcoholism) - and blaming you is an easy way out because it allows him to continue living in denial.

Be firm and don't let him get away with his manipulative methods. Because that is what alcoholics do - manipulate and do whatever is necessary to protect their addiction. So make sure your kids understand that and realise what is going on. Don't turn them against their father, but simply help educate them about the disease of alcoholism so that they become aware of what it involves and how it effects someone.

But the big question you need to ask yourself - why do you continue to stay in such an unhealthy environment? If you're worried about what it's doing to your kids (and rightly so) - shouldn't you be looking to provide them with a more loving, healthy and harmonious environment? Not to mention a happier one for yourself?

You can't control your husband and his drinking unfortunately. If and until he decides he wants to quit drinking and is ready to change his ways, things are destined to continue as they are. In fact they'll probably get worse because alcoholism is progressive.

So maybe it's time you gave your husband an ultimatum - "get help and turn your life around, or I leave." That might motivate him to want to change, but there are no guarantees and until he decides he wants to change, there really isn't much more you can do.

But whatever he does shouldn't prevent you from seeking happiness and fulfilment for your life. You might not be able to control your husband's choices, but you can certainly control yours.

Good Luck.

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