My Daughter is 28 and Out of Control. Using Hard Core Drugs and Living Without Any Responsibility
I need help and advice so badly. My daughter is now 28. She lives with me but spends most of her nights with her boyfriend. I have spent the last 6 years trying to save her life. I brought her home from Florida after she was living very recklessly, stripping, dancing, hard core drugs etc.
Since then it's been off and on and some of the same patterns. She uses off and on now but will manipulate the system to get drugs. She'll pretty much take whatever she gets. There are good days few and far between.
It's been extra hard lately because she has to be watched constantly, e.g. She will leave something on the stove and go upstairs. Some stupid things like putting a ton of soap in the washer and breaking it. She likes to dumpster dive and will go out by herself all night. She has spurts and won't sleep. She comes home with a car full of junk and will dump it in my driveway.
When I say something to her (it's very frustrating) - she starts screaming at me and calling me a(B). She says I'm always yelling at her. It's hard because every time she's home she does something. I don't have any problems with my relationship with my other two children.
Lately she has been throwing things and getting very angry. I have tried to tell her to leave but she is very manipulative. I have two other children who live with me because both are going to college and she brings confusion and chaos to the whole home.
She is the oldest of three. She has such an entitlement attitude. It's sooooooooo hard kicking your daughter out after you have spent years trying to help her but I realize I can't help her - she has to help herself. We have tried to get her into rehab and it's always an excuse.
Her father isn't involved in her life at all and I know she has rejection issues there so I feel so guilty. Lately she has been getting more and more angry and I am so weary...
You said it - you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. She's 28, an adult, and should be fully capable of looking after herself. Yet she behaves like an irresponsible child who thinks the world owes her something - and by you not putting your foot down, all you're doing is enabling her destructive behaviors.
Many of us have had difficult pasts and upbringings. That doesn't mean you have to feel guilty. And it doesn't excuse her behavior. If she wants to behave in an out of control manner - you can't really stop her - but she shouldn't be doing it on your property and on your time ... especially when you have two other children to consider who are trying to live responsibly by going to college and trying to make the most of their lives.
So you need to draw a line in the sand and give her a choice. She gets professional help for her drug addiction and starts to make a concerted effort to turn her life around - or she's out on her own. Because you can't just let things continue to drift and hope they just go away. They won't.
You have to make peace as a parent with there only being so much you can do. Our biggest gift is that of free will. Some use that wisely to become all they be. Others use it to self-destruct. And sometimes we have to first fall and learn from our mistakes so that we can become better, more rounded people. So its time to let your daughter fall, and then its up to her whether she chooses to learn and grow from that - or continue with her path of self-destruction.
Tell her you'll always love her and the door will be open if she gets serious about turning her life around - but until then she is going to have to learn the hard way. It's not an easy thing to do as parent - but for your sake, your other children, and your out of control daughter - it's something you simply have to.