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My Boyfriend Is an Alcoholic and Is Mentally Abusive

by Kelly
(NAshville, TN)

I met my boyfriend almost eight years ago and I was happy in the beginning. We have lived together for about seven years. In that time, we had a child together - he is five - and we both love him madly.


I have been in denial or just hiding in the veil of ignorance when it comes to his drinking. He has lost jobs because he drank to much the night before and was habitually late, gotten a dui and almost a second one, hides alcohol, and will spend his last dollar to feed his dependency.

What is truly scary is he will drink and drive with my son in the car. I have made my feelings known to him but he just does not get it or does not care enough, its not ok with me anymore.

He drinks a fifth probably every 24-48 hours of whisky. He hides it in big gulp cups and so on. He wakes up the next morning feeling like crap and taking it out on the family. In the last few years, I have confronted him nicely and not-so-nicely. I have gotten angry but he always blames me for some reason.

I believe he's passive aggressive too. His judgement is absolutely insane and now I know a big legal battle is coming because my son is truly the most important thing to me. I guess I just want to make myself forgive myself for letting go.

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer



You have to let go ... and it's okay to let go. Remember this isn't just about you, but about ensuring your son's safety and well-being. No caring, rational and loving father should be drinking and driving with their young son in the car. It's unforgivable!

Hopefully in parting and going through divorce doesn't end up being as messy as you envision. Make sure you get a good lawyer and know what your rights are and what you are entitled to. Don't be vindictive but make sure you are getting a fair deal for you and your son.

Sole custody for you should be a non-negotiable, until your husband shows he's dealt with his alcoholism and is behaving in a way a responsible parent should. Your son's well-being always has to come first.

Harbouring anger, regret or guilt in the long-run doesn't help anyone. Sometimes we make poor choices and sometimes things happen to us that we can't control. So forgive yourself, forgive your husband (that doesn't mean forget), so you can move on and make a fresh start.

Your husband chooses to stay an alcoholic by not taking responsibility for his illness and getting the help he needs to change. You and your son shouldn't have to pay for that. So as scary as letting go can seem, know that you're doing it for the right reasons.

If you need extra help around that, take a look at Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic or Drug Addict. People stay in in abusive and toxic relationships for far too long, when all it ultimately does is cause more heartache and damage (especially if there are children involved).

It isn't easy and there will be tough times ahead, but it does get easier. God Bless and Good Luck.

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Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you for the kind words. I have always been a nurturing person and tried so so so hard to fix the problem he has with the mentality of "never say never" and "nothing is impossible". Positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. I feel like a complete failure and now he blames me for making him confront this and the backlash hurts. No matter what horrible things you go through when loving a person who is an alcoholic, the love is still there (at least for me). I started to approach this problem in the beginning analyticaly and learned his family apparently drank profusely around him as a child and were dysfuctional although I believe they love each other and are close in a unconventional way. BUT, I just can't go through this anymore.

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Protect Your Son
by: Anonymous

No matter what you choose to do please protect your son. It takes but a mere second for an accident to happen. Once it happens all of the regrets in the world won't bring your son back or fix him if he is broken. It is easy for dysfunction to become the new norm. We tell ourselves that it is ok, probably not that bad and other messages to be able to cope. Now having said all that I commend you for taking this step and getting out. Do get a good attorney that will protect your best interests and those of your son. Joining AA will help you with all of this. This is hard but you can do it! You are alreadt taking the first steps.

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