My Boyfriend is an Admitted Alcoholic/Drug Addict but Avoids the Subject and Gets Angry When it Comes Up. What can I do??

by Andrea
(Canada)

My boyfriend of 3 months (and friend of 3 years) is a great person. When he's sober. He is charismatic and personable and extremely successful in his career. I didn't realize that his problem was so huge until we started spending longer amounts of time together (I'd spend 2 or 3 days with him at a time).

I noticed that he drinks from the moment he wakes up until the moment he passes out. Some days are worse than others, where he will binge drink and black out. When he becomes very drunk, he gets very angry and calls me names and emotionally manipulates me. He also gets violent. He hasn't gotten to the point of hitting me YET, but sometimes I can see it in his eyes that he WANTS to and I get very frightened.

I also know that he used to hit his recent ex girlfriend of 3 years. He has explained to me vaguely about his troubled childhood and I know he has very deep running emotional problems. When I try to talk about these things with him, he gets very angry and violent, again. I understand that this is his way of dealing with his emotions, but I am so confused on what to do.

I care about this man so much that I do keep going back to him, every time. I left him 2 nights ago and haven't talked to him since he called me from the kitchen phone in a bar, wasted and messed up on drugs. He wanted me to go pick him up and take him home, but I didn't and haven't spoken to him since.

He has been incessantly calling me, each voice mail getting increasingly more angry than the last. I am scared to talk to him because he knows how to pull on my heartstrings and he does a great job of convincing me that "this will never happen again" because he loves me so much and I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.

I have been through this vicious cycle at least once a week since we've been seeing each other, and I just don't think I can handle it anymore. He keeps saying it won't happen again, and that he'll go to meetings and get help, but the same thing keeps on happening. I literally cannot believe anything he says anymore. I want to help him so much, but I am feeling completely helpless here!!!

I have talked to friends of ours, and they have even told me to not give him such a hard time when it comes to his drinking because it only makes him angrier. I feel like I have no support no no other option but to leave him. It is the last thing I want to do, because I really truly do love him. But it's starting to get to the point where his addictions and actions are overrunning MY life.

What do I do??? Please help, I am begging for some clarity here!

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Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Andrea

You can't take responsibility for your boyfriend's alcoholism and drug addiction - he is the only one that can do anything about them and unless he's serious about doing so, nothing you say or do will make much of a difference.

No one has the power to 'fix' another person. People change because they understand that if they're going to turn their lives around, it's ultimately up to them to make it happen. So let go of the idea you have to somehow help your boyfriend. He has to help himself!

That doesn't mean you shouldn't encourage or advice him to get professional help for his addictions - but if doing so puts you at risk of becoming a victim of violence or abuse - then it's something you have to think carefully about.

Violence or abuse is under no circumstances acceptable, no matter what a person's history, so if that's something you're genuinely afraid of, then you really need to reconsider whether this relationship is one that will fulfill your long-term needs.

Addicts are great at making promises or having you feel sorry for them. But you need to see through that, and if words are not being backed up by action, then you know they're meaningless. Sometimes one of the most loving things you can do for a person is to walk away from them - because there is no clearer statement that says 'alcoholism/drug addiction are not okay and I refuse to have them as part of my life.'

So unless your boyfriend starts getting serious about doing something about his addiction by getting the help he needs, you need to decide whether this relationship is a good place for you to be, especially because you could end up becoming a victim of physical violence.

It's not up to you to rescue your boyfriend. You didn't cause his addictions, you can't control them and neither can you cure them. And it's important you understand that, for your own sake as well as his.

Good luck and take care.

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