My Adult Son is an Alcoholic. What do I do?

My son is 20. He is an alcoholic. He has anger issues and I'm so very tired of his illness. This is the fourth time this year that I've been awakened in the middle of the night by his temper inflamed by his drinking. He is out of control.

I've had him arrested, he won't work or do anything for himself. He promises over and over that he'll never do it again, sometimes becomes suicidal, I just can't do this anymore. I know it's not my fault and I tell him so, but he insists it is, never taking his own blame.

I am so tired. He's been in trouble with the law and he is going to go to jail for the night I called the police on him for breaking his girlfriend's windshield while drunk. I don't think I am wrong for doing this but it's killing me.

I love him but I will not tolerate this behavior. I feel like I have to get up in the middle of the night when he has these rages to talk him down just so my house doesn't get destroyed. I always try to get him to see this is a result of his choices and I refuse to accept responsibility for him, but secretly inside, I feel like there must be something I did wrong. I really need help here, I don't know what to do!

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Answer

You're doing all the right things and you're absolutely right when you say it's not your fault and your son has landed up in the state he's in due to the choices he's made for himself.

But as a parent it's also normal to doubt yourself and question whether you're doing enough. In fact it's normal for any loved one of an alcoholic to doubt themselves and feel a sense of guilt and responsibility.

It doesn't help though because all it ends up leading to is becoming enabler and/or codependent. Your son needs help and all you can do is try and facilitate that. The rest boils down to his willingness to change and making the effort to do so.

So look at the options for help available to your son. Rehab is the obvious choice for his alcoholism, but it seems like there are other deep psychological factors involved as well - so intensive therapy which addresses his anger issues and suicidal tendencies is also something you should look into. Ideally even a combination of both.

But don't be hard on yourself. You're totally right in making your son experience the full consequences of his behavior - so if calling the police because he's out of control is the right thing to do in the moment - then that's what you've got to do.

You should also try and surround yourself with people who'll be able to relate to what you're going through and who can offer support. So a group like Al Anon can help you tremendously with being able to cope with all of this. I know this isn't easy for you, but trust that somehow this will all work out how it's meant to in the end.

Unfortunately there is no quick or easy fix, but if you can get your son the help he needs, hopefully it will start him on the road to recovery. Good Luck and God Bless.