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My 19 Year Old Son Says He is Addicted to Smoking Pot and is Depressed. He Says I Don't Help Him and I Should Have Known What He Was Doing.

by Anne
(Massachusetts)

My son is 19 and for the past 2 years has suffered from depression made worse by smoking pot daily. He was on medication for less than 3 months but stopped because he didn't like the way it made him feel. At first he said that smoking gave him something to do and made him feel better.


He got his GED and was accepted to college. The first one he only lasted 3 days before withdrawing and coming home. Fortunately, the only money I lost was the deposit. In January he tried again at a different school, he did finish the semester, but refuses to go back there. It's always somebody else's fault, nobody likes him, he doesn't have any friends, he spent all the rest of his money on pot.

He went to counseling for a brief time to try to deal with the way he was feeling. His dad has not been in his life since he was 4 and he was told that it is not his fault. I love him and have tried to help him, but he does not help himself.

If he does not go back to school this September, my child support will be reduced and the student loan that I cosigned will be due, he won't get a job, not even part time, so I will be the one paying the loan. He won't go get help, his brother who has helped him the past two years along with me is disgusted with him because he won't take responsibility for his life and he's mean to me.

I have a 17 year old daughter also who doesn't feel sorry for him anymore because of how he is. I have done all that I can to help him and because of his age I can't make him go get help. He told me I should have known that he would spend the money that he got back from his room deposit, even though we talked about it at the time.

It was only to be used for his car insurance or school and if it was too tempting, to give it to me. I had faith in him and he agreed with me until now, turning it back on me. He says he wishes he was born into a different family. He has broken my heart and I know that he only says these things because he is hurting, but I don't know what to do anymore.

I know not to give him any money, but he does nothing. His life is going nowhere, and he doesn't love himself enough to care. I can't kick him out because he has no friends, no where to go. I just can't do that. Any help?

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer



Hi Anne

Your son needs professional help - a stint in Rehab would likely be a good place to start - but if he refuses to go for treatment and get help, it doesn't leave you with a lot of options.

All you can do is love your son, and right now the best way of loving him is to make sure you don't feel sorry for him or enable him in any way. Let him blame and do whatever else he does, but try not to let that get to you, and instead do everything you can to create a loving and positive home environment for yourself and other children.

Maybe if he sees his negativity isn't having an effect on anyone anymore, he'll come to realise that he needs to take responsibility for how he's feeling and get the help he needs to start addressing his depression and marijuana problem.

You simply have to reinforce the message that he needs to start wanting to help himself by getting professional treatment if his life is going to change ... and that neither you nor his siblings are going to engage him anymore while he's feeling sorry for himself/being negative.

So resolve to stay strong and remember that while you ultimately can't control your son's choices, you can at least choose to create a happy, healthy and loving home environment for yourself and your other children.

And if things still don't improve in time you may have to draw a line in the sand and tell your son that unless he starts wanting to help himself and agrees to receiving treatment - you don't want him living at home anymore because of all the toxic energy he's bringing into your home and the effect it's having on everyone. But hopefully things don't get to that.

P.S. As hard as this is for you Anne don't despair that things can get better. I suggest that you may also want to get your hands on a copy of Help! My Child Is An Addict which you can do Here. There is a lot of additional information in there that could be helpful to both you and your son in dealing with his depression and marijuana habit. Whatever you decide though, best of luck

Comments for My 19 Year Old Son Says He is Addicted to Smoking Pot and is Depressed. He Says I Don't Help Him and I Should Have Known What He Was Doing.

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Please tell them you love them ASAP NEW
by: Anonymous

Please tell them you love them ASAP! My son died at 19 years 1 month and 29 days old.

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Please tell them you love them ASAP NEW
by: Anonymous

Please tell them you love them ASAP!

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Single Mom what can I do to help my son
by: Anonymous

My son is 19 years old and is addicted to marijuana, he smokes all day and into the night. He says it is the only thing that helps him feel better so that he can be happy. He will not go in even for out patient treatment, He smokes in the house and does not seem to care that he has destroyed the carpet in one room of our home. He does not care how his room looks, has not changed his sheets in probably two months or more, lets his clothes pile up on his floor and does not care if he wears dirty clothes because he barely goes any where so who cares if he wears clean clothes or not. My husband his dad died when he was only 7 years old so it has been very hard on him, and I totally blame myself because I ALWAYS gave into him and now I have a real problem on my hands he does not give up on most things until I finally give in and give him what he wants.

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What to do with my son
by: Gaby

My 19 year old son is out of control. He smokes pot, he steels from us and every time we have a serious conversation he ends up yelling and leaving. We don't know what else to do, we love him very much but he is destroying us. We have two other kids the youngest is ten and in a way copies his brother's behaviour although his brother never shows him any affection.
I feel we have lost him, I also feel he is waiting to have some type of money to be able to leave and then yes I know for sure we will loose him. What can we do? where can we go?

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We Struggle Too, It's An Epidemic In My Mind
by: Anonymous

Ditto. Very, very familiar story. My son, 22, been through some of the same. DWI and withdrawl from college. He has finally seen the light and has committed to stop after 7 years of this and many consequences and rehab and counseling sessions. He still struggles though but more now with loneliness and feels isolated due to trying to stay away from friends. He still will not work and still has the idea that some things have to be his own way. He claims that he doesn't want to work because he doesn't want to have to get a ride(lost his license for 6 months) or because all jobs are dead end jobs. I'm hoping all that will change if he continues to commit to getting drugs and alcohol out of his life and staying away from friends who use. His biggest problems have been alcohol and marijuana with some dabbling in other drugs.

As he continues to improve, I contemplate sending him to stay with a relative in another state just so that he can try to get a fresh start but not sure that is a good idea or not.

It's very, very hard and my heart goes out to all of you who struggle with this in your life.

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Your story is like mine...
by: Anonymous

OMG, I read your story and thought it was mine. The only difference is my son has tried to be a part of society, but has red hair and freckles and is quite tall, so EVERYONE calls him "Ginger" His self-esteem has gotten so bad that I worry he will hurt himself or someone else due to his anger. He has already gotten a DUI and a MIP in the past year and is in debt to us for over $5,000 for lawyer and court costs. He is trying to get a part-time job, but cant detox himself to drug test because the pot is the only way to feel good for a while or give him hope. Can you blame him? I don't. Staying positive is soooo hard when you love them and hate to see them hurting. He is sooo hurt. My son went to a big college last fall for 2 months and did a medical withdrawal due to depression. He is going to a local university but is barely getting by...he has attended to big named football games with his father this week and was harrassed at each game, one calling him a Ginger the other game someone picked on him because he forgot to take off his hat during the national anthem, so he got picked on. Still being bullied after all these years. I would smoke pot and get wasted too if I could if people treated me so cruely. We (his father and I) are so distraught we are totally sick about what we can do....any suggestions on chatting with us??

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