Miriam's Alcoholism Story ... Alone For The Ride: How Do I Stay Sober Without Support?

by Miriam

I've been sober for two days. I still don't believe I'm an alcoholic, but then why am I here, reading everyone's stories? Still in denial perhaps?

I've been a heavy drinker off and on for 25 years. I partied hard as a teen and in my early 20's. I switched to a bottle of wine a day until I was 33. Then I had a work accident.

After this, I developed depression, anxiety, ptsd and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. During therapy, horrifying repressed memories surfaced and out of my own safety, I disowned my family, legally changed my name and moved a thousand miles from my home town. I no longer work, as I'm on permanent disability from the after-effects.

I recovered from the physical part of the accident, but the mental health issues are extremely challenging...I was in weekly therapy and on meds for 6 years, so I did not drink, but when I finally was "allowed" to ween off the meds, I slowly started drinking again. I've incorporated some natural remedies, which help a little. I'm very not willing to return to pharmaceuticals, they really had a terrible physical and mental affect on my body, even though they curtailed the depression and anxiety - it's a no-win situation with the meds unfortunately!

One of the aspects of my mental health issues is a needful desire to be alone, away from people. I lost all of my social skills and being around others triggers my anxiety, which materializes itself into self-harm. I've come to accept my Borderline and anxiety issues. Believe it or not, I'm actually happy with me now, I don't feel the need or desire to be around others. I have a few online friends, but that's very safe for me. They don't know everything about me.

But now...I'm starting to feel better, i.e. depression-wise. Instead of living in a dark hole, I want a future. I want a home. I'm okay with being alone in life, in fact, I relish it now. But that makes for having zero support when it comes to quitting drinking.

Meetings are out, the social aspect of anything is a terrible trigger. I can no longer afford therapy, so I'm really on my own.

Which I'm okay with, not whining at all. But I keep reading the advice that you "need" such a great support system. If I'm unable, and unwilling to be social, am I doomed to fail?

I've been drinking a bottle of wine each day, which I grudgingly suppose is excessive...

Anyway, not sure what I'm asking for, but I hope nobody tries to suggest support systems, I don't want to keep triggering the cutting. My only confidante is my doctor, but she's not available 24-7.

I'm not writing this for pity either. I say this because I went to another board, and every one there said things like "oh you poor thing, why don't you contact your family" or "you need to socialize to be successful in life, why don't you just take baby steps to meet people" and so on and so on...they didn't grasp anything I'd written about my disorders or desires unfortunately.

I know that changing one's lifestyle and developing good, fun, healthy habits is essential for not only recovering alcoholics, but for everyone. I do what I can with my limited funds, but being home 24/7 is outright boring at times. I believe I restarted to drink out of boredom. I try to go for walks, I have an old canoe I pull out on nice days, I read when my mind is not distracted, I write, I journal, I have a set of paints that has sat there for 5 months gathering dust, I cook when I have the energy...not sure what else I can do to keep myself busy. Not working at my age is like a death sentence it seems. I HATE being retired, well, forcibly-retired.

I think my case is unique. So far, I've been reading books, websites and just trying not to drive to the wine store. Can I do this alone? Has anyone else succeeded alone? How do you pass the time, in a circumstance like mine, without using alcohol to help?

I realize how I'm not seizing the day, believe me...time is going too fast, but my anxieties prevent me from always living in the moment.

Thanks,
Miriam