Is it just the drugs or was it really love?

by Laura
(California)

I was 19 years old and had just gotten out of a very demanding and traumatizing 2 year relationship with someone I was very in love or maybe just infatuated with.

To my surprise, I got in great shape, was beautiful, and started to go out a lot and party. Yes I would drink, but I didn't use drugs and I always made it to work and school (college) and it seemed like I was keeping things in order.

Though I was hurt over my ex, it was ultimately me who decided not to go back with him and try to move on and meet new people. I was having a lot of fun, lots of clubs, parties, lots of guys and new friends. My self-confidence was up and I didn't even think about my ex.

Then one night at one of our frequent clubs I met someone. We had caught each others eyes before, but I hadn't seen him around too much. We were both drinking, and we just decided to go hang out afterwards. I was careless and just got into his car with him and his 3 friends. He just kept looking at me and telling me he knew he was gonna end up with me.

I should have seen the red flags, but I didn't. That night in the car, he offered me a snort of something that he was snorting. I had never used any drugs before, and for some reason I said yes. I later found out that it was crystal meth.

I will never forget that night. We spent the whole night together and in the morning he drove me home and asked me if we were together, I said I didn't want a relationship and that seemed to bother him. He said he wanted us to be together like a couple, so I said okay.

The next month was a rollercoaster, he would show up and disappear. We would use drugs together and have sex, and he would always make it seem like I was something special he had never had before. I was head over heels, but when he would disappear I would go out and meet other guys and do drugs, it was a downhill ball of snow.

I just wanted to be with him all the time. And when I wasn't with him I wanted to forget about him, or wait for his call. He never had a real phone, I could call his house (he lived with his parents) but other than that it was always him calling me from someone else's phone. I should have seen all the obvious signs that he was no good for me, but I didn't. I was young, stupid, and I guess lost and lonely.

I don't ever consider that I was addicted to meth, but during those few months my main priority was having a good time, and I would use when I would go out and party. I think I was very close to having a problem, and I am glad I stopped when I did.

I had realized after our month to two months of a rocky "relationship" of him appearing and disappearing, that we had a lot of sex with no protection, and I had asked him how he felt about abortions and kids, he asked why, and I said that I might be pregnant. I know I wasn't in my right mind now because I would really regret having had an abortion.

He made it seem like he wouldn't want me to have an abortion, and that made me feel ok about the situation. Then, through a conversation one night with a close friend of his I learned that he was just using me. He had a girl he was in love with who he had been dating on and off and he was pretty much obsessed with, even thought not even she could control his problems.

He used coke and meth all the time, and drank a lot. Even after I knew all of this, I let him just appear in my life after a few days again and come pick me up. I would do anything for him, and he knew it.

The last time he disappeared, his mother called me. She had seen my number in the caller id and called because he hadn't come home in days. I told her he was my boyfriend, but that I knew he was with the other girl, whom of course she knew right away who I was referring to.

We began to talk, and I ended up having several very long conversations with his mom over the course of a week or two. He had come home, but had never called me or anything. I had spoken with his friend who had told me the truth, and in a desperate attempt to get his attention, I told his friend and his mother I thought I was pregnant.

I went out a day later with a friend, and he actually showed up at the club, he looked at me, and I was drinking. He didn't speak to me or come up and say hi or anything, but the next night he called me and said he needed to see me right away.

I drove an hour to see him at 3 in the morning and he came outside to see me, where he got violent and ended up pushing me and hitting me, and telling me how bad I was for drinking if I was pregnant, and using, and that he didn't want a baby.

I told him I just wanted him to know what was going on, and that if I did have the baby I would want him to know he could be in it's life but that I wouldn't obligate him to help me or anything. This was a time where I was working, lived on my own, and had it all together in the view of the outside world. I wasn't really pregnant, although I had thought I was for a short time, and I regret having lied.

He called a few times, but we never spoke again. I saw him out with other girls several times, even a year later when I was out with my new boyfriend of now 3 years.

My problem is, I have not stopped thinking about this guy for not one day since the day I met him. I stopped using drugs and drinking within 2 months of the end of our "fling". He never tried to call and ask about our fling, but one night I saw him out and called his friend I knew he was with that night - he was with another girl, probably another first month fling like me, and he asked what I wanted and I just told him not to worry about the pregnancy, that I had "taken care of it". I hate that I made up such a terrible thing now.

I have even had a new boyfriend who I now live with and have a child with, and we have a pretty okay life. I am back at college full time. I am nursing and biology major, so I know very well that the basis of my feelings for him are probably due to the first time use of meth and the month that I used it a lot with him.

I thought I would be over it, I know he is a loser, I know he is no good. Then about 6 month ago, after almost 2 years of searching myspace, facebook, even courthouse websites and jails for him, he pops up on myspace along with his new life. He has a child now, and another on the way, he plays in a new band who is pretty popular and is successful.

He has taken this girl through the loops as well, but it seems like he must care for her because he was actually with her in a real relationship. I don't understand. I am very intelligent and I know it is obvious I should forget this guy, but I can't. I dream about him, and even though it hurts me inside, I love dreaming about him because during the dream it feels real. I just liked being around him.

I know a lot has to with the drugs we used, but I don't know how to put closure to this after so long and really stop these feelings for him. I am not even jealous, I would even be happy to "share" him as crazy as that sounds, but more than anything I just want to know why he picked me to do such a hurtful thing to and if he is even sorry or if he even remembers me at all.

I know it wouldn't matter, but I just need to figure out how to end this obsession. I don't even want to do drugs anymore, in fact I don't even like thinking about that low point in my life, except the parts that he is in.

How do I end this obsession 3 years later, how do I forget him or at least stop feeling for him. or at least stay mad? Should I talk to him and ask him these things? If anyone else has had feelings like this in a situation where drugs were involved and has some advice it would really be appreciated.

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Answer

Hi Laura

Obsession and infatuation, are not the same as real love. You had a very brief and intense relationship with this guy, ten times more so probably than the norm because of the role drugs played in all this - but that is not what real love entails.

Real love is based on the foundations of respect, caring, trust, selflessness, wanting what's best for the other person, and someone you can be totally yourself with. It doesn't sound like you had too many of those qualities going with this guy.

I think the fact that he introduced you to drugs and that you shared such an intense drug-fuelled relationship together, probably means you hold some kind of extra attachment to him. Because the highs you experienced with him, thanks to the drugs, would have been very intense, so to let go of those memories and feelings can be difficult.

But intensity and passion don't equate to love - love is deeper, meaningful and lasting - while passion eventually fades.

I think you should go for some counseling so that you can process and let go of some of these unresolved feelings. On an intellectual level you do understand that he was bad and all wrong for you, yet you still can't seem to let go entirely, so hopefully a good counselor could help you with that.

You've got a child and boyfriend who you need to be able to commit yourself entirely to, which if your mind is still so often with this other guy, you'll never be able to do properly. So make the effort now to go and talk to someone and process these unresolved feelings and emotions. Even alternative therapies like Brandon Bays' Journey Work are excellent for that kind of thing.

Sometimes people just come into our lives that just have an unexplainable effect on us, even if they are all wrong. It happens. But you know how destructive and unhealthy the relationship you had was, so forget the idea that this guy could ever be a part of your life again. You need to move on - and get whatever professional help and support you need to do that. You've got too much at stake not to.

Best of Luck and Take Care

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