I Think my Partner may be using Drugs and has an Alcohol Problem

(UK)

I am becoming more and more worried about my partner. She is becoming more depressed as time goes on and I find it hard to communicate with her.

She appears to be drinking a fair amount in the evenings and only then. If I have been out of the house for a while I tend to return to find her in a funny mood(after drinking)and this makes it difficult to socialise with friends.

I don't know if she is using drugs as she has jested about using them before. I have noticed a few things with her which don't seem right. She seems some what over weight, depressed, lacks sleep (insomnia), has hot and cold sweat (which seems opposite to what the temperature is), possible gum problems (?), argumentative (looking for a argument), slurred speech and what seems like delayed reactions.

Things are becoming extremely difficult any help is greatly appreciated.

Answer

It's often difficult to know if someone is using drugs unless you catch them in the act because drug users are very good at being secretive and covering their tracks.

So whether the signs you mention are merely alcohol related and induced - or are also as a result of your partner using drugs, is difficult to say. But things like hot and cold flushes, mood swings, depression etc. are often a sign of drug abuse.

The first thing to do would be to confront your partner. Tell her you're worried about her and that you think her drinking and using drugs is taking its toll on her (if you go in with the assumption that she is using drugs, she may be more likely to admit it rather than deny it).

Then give specific examples of how it's affecting her and your relationship - and encourage her to do something about her problem, i.e. get help. By being specific, it may help her see the damage she's causing - because chances are like most people who have a drug or alcohol problem - she will be oblivious to the effect it's having.

Now if you're lucky, this approach may result in helping her realise the damage she's causing to herself, and she'll be open to getting help.

But unfortunately, the reality is often that someone who has a drug or alcohol problem, lives in such denial as to their problem, anything you say or do won't make any difference whatsoever. Until someone who has a problem admits to it and is prepared to take responsibility for overcoming it, there isn't much you can do.

The only thing then if things get bad enough - is to use a tough love approach and insist that unless they she gets professional help and commits to achieving sobriety, that's the end of the relationship. This is the point where doing a professional drug or alcohol intervention may be effective.

The biggest thing you are going to have to realise in all this, is the fact that you are powerless to control's your partner's behaviour and her drinking or drug using. That's why being in a relationship with someone who does have a drug or alcohol problem is also such a painful thing - because you feel like you need to do something, when in fact there isn't anything you can do really.

I would suggest getting yourself to an Al Anon meeting or two in your area. These are for friends and family of people who have alcohol or drug problems.

I do hope everything works out for the best for you and your partner, but like I said, apart from one or two of the suggestions I made, there is unfortunately not much else you can do, apart from educating yourself as to the nature of addiction and how it affects an addict and the people they love.

Take Care and let us know how things go

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