I Need Some Advice On My Closet Alcoholic Husband

by Laura
(MS)

For the longest time he drank in front of me and the kids and whoever else came through our door until I gave him the ultimatum. Then he became a serious closet alcoholic. He also went from a 24 pack of beer to the big bottles of vodka mixed with sprite cause he thinks I can't smell it.

A little history with his drinking is when he used to be out in the open with his drinking he would get really loud, physical and really scary to be around. Now that he is a closet drinker he just gets really loud, not really psychical but very very scary. He gets like this only if you cross him in some way when he is drunk.

I have become a professional egg shell walker to avoid this because it was beginning to affect the kids, so I had to strategically learn how to not let him get upset when he is drunk. For a while he would play like he wasn't drinking and make me feel really stupid when I would question - but after busting him about 3 dozen time he confessed.

Well that opened a whole bigger bag of apples cause he went from a conservative closet drinker who acted like he was hiding something - to hiding his drinking but drinking as much as he wants because he thinks its ok. I accept this because the kids blame me every time I threaten to leave him.

But now if he doesn't get drunk the night before he acts like a jerk and treats everyone like shit the next day and does really shitty at work. The best part is he will never get fired because he works for my parents and they let him do whatever. I have lost all the battles and he has won the war - he gets to drink and I get to just accept it but I don't want to.

My girls found his stash the other night and brought them out to me and my friend yelling 'Daddy's drunk Daddy's drunk.' This just pissed him off and he yelled at the girls and blamed me for letting them into our room. Um this isn't fair because I didn't know they were in our room because I didn't think they would go into our room. The girls are 8&9 they know better.

He cleaned up all his stashes and went and got more and got even drunker. Oh he tried AA and got drunk on the way home. So, the advice I need is how to mentally accept this life or learn how to eventually leave it. I really do love him - he can be the best husband and best father in the whole world but only if he got drunk the night before.

When he is drunk the kids think he is so cool cause he lets them do whatever they want and makes all kinds of stupid promises he won't remember in the morning. I get left to wipe away the kids tears when the promises are broken and then explain how Daddy never meant to hurt them and make up stories to protect him. And then I have to figure out how to fulfil the promises.

I am tired of patching up my kids feeling about him. They think he is the greatest while I do all the dirty work. Help just give me some sanity advice.

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Laura

The question you have to ask yourself is whether this is the life you want for yourself and children? Because you can't cure or control your husband's alcoholism. So assuming he doesn't change - can you find your own happiness and fulfilment in your marriage as things stand?

Only you can answer that question. So it will take deep introspection and honesty from your side as to what you really want from your life. If in 5 or 10 years time, he's still drinking the way he is - how will you feel? Will you be able to be happy and content despite that?

Some people can detach totally from what their partner is doing, and so may be able to find happiness within themselves despite what the other is doing. But in reality that is very hard. Because ideally a relationship should be based on love, mutual respect, shared values, common goals. However if you're alcoholic it's all about 'me' because the alcohol comes first.

So you need to get in touch with your needs and feelings again. Live your own life. Discover the things that make you tick and bring you joy. And in that process you'll get clearer on whether your marriage is something you want to continue with, or whether you actually want more. Everyone is different so you need to figure that out for yourself. Perhaps some counseling/therapy can also help you get clearer on that?

You might also want to look into getting yourself Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict: How To Survive a Relationship With an Alcoholic or Drug Addict. There is a lot of info in there that will help you get clearer on the questions you've asked, and what you need to do to take control of your own life again. But whatever you decide, you have to think deeply on what you really want - because in doing so the road ahead and which path to take will become clearer for you.

Good Luck and Take Care

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