I Lost the Love of My Life to Cocaine and Alcohol

On June 19th at 3:55 pm my boyfriend took a gun and killed himself - right in front of me. Had anyone told me nine months prior that this wonderful man I was in love with would do this to us I would have never believed you - but he did.

I myself am not an addict and have never been so I was very naive in seeing what was wrong. I never once saw him do it - didn't even know it was in the house - he would drink and he could get mean sometimes from that but he never physically hurt me until that day he died.

Knowing what I know now he was living in a constant state of torture. He had finally met the love of his life but he had already been doing cocaine and while he was able to stop for a while his addiction won in the end and he could not live with that guilt.

He had been acting very strange that day - and did not want me around - something I never felt from him. I refused to leave him and so he beat me to get me to leave. As soon as he was done hurting me the last thing he said was "I am going to kill myself - I cannot live with what I just did to you today" ... seconds later he was dead.

That was the only time that day I heard the true voice of the man I love because his whole appearance that day was borderline evil. His eyes were black, his voice dark and the strength he had was unbelievable. He never wanted me to know about his disease but I knew something was terribly wrong - and he would no longer be able to blame it on stress, a job he didn't like, and an ex he could not stand.

He told me weeks prior to his death that he was depressed - so being the woman I am I went out on a mission to save the man I love and I got him set up in a really good counseling place that helped out with his issues and substance abuse. I thought he could get help for his drinking that had increased a lot toward the end - his appointment was the Thursday after his death - only four more days to go.

He was a great man when he was sober. Funny, outgoing, charming and sweet. He would do anything for you and we were so in love. So ready to go on the path we had set out for ourselves. Now I struggle with knowing that he must have been in so much pain and hiding this from me was too much for him to bear.

He told his brother who was his best friend that he wanted to get himself right and was looking forward to counseling. His family, friends and I are left with so many questions - all of which we will never have the answers to because he is gone. I can still hear the gun go off, smell the smoke from the gun and see his brain matter and blood on the pillow.

The worst part is there are children involved. He has two wonderful boys that I love as my own and my two children from a previous marriage. Our kids love each other and we were so happy. I would have (and tried) to do everything in my power to save him, and us, and our family.

It wasn't always easy being with him - he had terrible mood swings and would not sleep right towards the end - but I believed it was stress because he told me that and that's what I believed. All of us who love him are devastated - four beautiful children lost a father on fathers day - and I am left with an image of the man who held my heart holding on to a gun and taking his life.

In his right mind he would have never done that and the hurt is beyond description. Please know that you will never control your drug habit - that drugs controls you. I never thought that I would be in a group of suicide survivors - that is not what I had planned.

I read his love notes he gave me and I have a lot of beautiful memories and pictures but they are all too painful. He gave me the greatest love - and the greatest pain I have ever known. I hate drugs - it makes you lie to the ones you love the most - but mostly to yourself.

If you don't get real help the drugs will continue to seek you out and destroy you until you have nothing - even your life. It will devastate those that love you - and change them forever. I am determined to not allow two victims in that room that day - and I thank God the kids were not there that day to see what I saw.

Please get real help - and for those of you who are left with the nightmare of trying to live a life with an addict please realize that it is a very dangerous situation that can have tragic consequences. I am living proof. He tried hiding it while he was alive but the truth came out and it hurts like hell that there are a lot of pieces to a puzzle just scattered around with no way of fitting together.

That's what drugs will do to your family. It took the life of the man I love. In one tragic manic depressed moment he reached out for a permanent solution to a problem that might have well been solved with the proper help and support. He gave into his guilt and personal demons. I torture myself with going back and trying to see the signs I missed - and now I know there were some but he always had a very believable excuse.

He wanted a life with me and our kids but I can finally admit he wanted a life with cocaine and alcohol too. You cannot have both. A wonderful amazing beautiful man at age 39 is gone because he could not let go. I am writing this in the hope that if just one person reads this and makes a change then my purpose for telling this has been served.

Please get real help and turn to God - that is where you will find the truest love and strength you will ever know. Life is too precious to waste. I will spend the rest of my life missing him and wondering what could have been. Love is truly blind - I did not see it for what it truly was. But on that fateful day nothing closed my eyes to the reality of his struggles. You are truly worth fighting for.