I Kicked Out My Ex Because of His Addiction. He Says He’s Sober Now – Should I Take Him Back?

by Mary-Ann

My ex is an alcoholic. I didn’t know that when we met. I noticed he drank a lot socially, but it was only after we moved in together that I noticed how much he drinks. When he gets drunk he can also get abusive. It’s usually only verbally, but he has also hit me a couple of times. Eventually I had enough and kicked him out.

That was about 6 months ago. He’s been going to AA and says he’s changed. I’m not sure what to believe though. I do still love him, but can’t go through what I did before again. Is it possible for someone to change?

Answer

Hi Mary-Ann

Yes, it is possible for someone to change, but whether your ex has indeed changed is impossible to know. You should be very cautious and tread carefully before even contemplating reconciliation. The fact that it’s also only been 6 months (you don’t say if he’s actually been sober during that period), means his recovery from alcoholism is still in its infancy (assuming he is sober and in recovery), and so he needs to devote as much energy and time as possible to working at his recovery, without unnecessary distractions.

That’s why most experts recommend at least a year of sobriety before contemplating a new relationship, and even though it wouldn’t be a new relationship for the two of you, it would mean making a fresh start and require lots of commitment and focus, which right now he should be directing elsewhere.

So I would suggest you hold off getting together until he has a year of sobriety under his belt, and then if it’s something you are still seriously considering, make sure you establish clear boundaries for what your expectations are of him, e.g. has to stay sober, continue working at his recovery, that you will not tolerate any form of abuse etc. – and should he cross any boundary, that will be the end of the relationship because there will be no further second chances. You might want to consider working with a Counselor or Therapist to help you decide on and implement those boundaries should it get to that.

I also suggest you look at going to Al Anon meetings, which is for family and loved one’s of alcoholics. It will help you understand his addiction and its impact on your relationship, and how you can best deal with that. Whatever you do though, don’t rush into anything and trust your intuition about what is ultimately going to be best for you long-term.

Good Luck and Take Care