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Husband is a Recovering Cocaine Addict/Alcoholic and Wants to Come Home.

by Corey
(Berlin, Germany)

I have never been on a site like this before, but I am struggling with my "non-relationship" with my husband. He has been clean for a year now, for 3 years he was fully functioning cocaine addict with an alcohol problem. When he went to a 3 months rehab program, I finally found the strength to leave him and take my children with me.

He says he is clean now, but the person I have in front of me I cannot recognize. He is broke, jobless, but he stands before me now, not beaten or recalcitrant but angry and bitter that I let him down and deserted him in his hour of need. Like all addicts, it is and always has been his ego and needs first. I thought that would change but now that he is clean, I have learned that my husband is just built that way.

I am too angry at what he has done to our family, the broken trust, all of the money what he wasted, the financial and emotional ruin he has put our family through. The sad thing is is that he still doesn't take responsibility for all that he did to us and to himself. He says he has apologized and that I should get over it and to stop thinking only of myself and think of our children and how they need a complete family. He has done "what I asked for" and now he should be allowed to come home as if nothing has happened.

He wants to come home, says I have been a horrible wife for leaving him when he most needed me. He forgets the 3 years of hell I went through with him and his sickness. I should just get over it. But he still "loves me."

After all of the therapy, he is still not able to communicate, to express his fears or even explain what happened. He says that now I am the sick one, how I have become so egotistical. I consider it to be self-preservation. Big difference. This from the person who "loves me."

I wish I could see the man I married, the generous, unselfish, loving funny man ... I prayed he would be the one to survive when the "other man" I was married to the last 3 years disappeared in rehab. I am sometimes not sure if maybe I still only see the monster in him because, there is not one iota of trust, only memories of the past. Before I only wanted to be there for him. Now, I just don't care to hear it.

I can't do it anymore, he is here everyday, playing house on his terms, because I still want my kids to see their Dad ... such a mess. I really wanted to recognize the person in front of me again, when he finally was clean. The parts of his personality that made me so unhappy, I blamed on the drugs. But, as he stands before me now, he seems to be the same, without the excuse of being wasted.

I can't allow myself or my children to be put through it all again. I am so happy to be free, free from his constant inflexibility and judgement. I hope for him that he really is clean, but who knows? I hope he can earn money soon to support us and pay off our debt. Who knows?

I always heard that you have to let the person you love go, so that they can reach rock bottom. I never understood what that meant until I closed the door on him a year ago. From that day on, I killed all feeling I had for him. Because to love him, only hurt him. I protected him, fought for him, paid for him, lied for him. I can't anymore.

Now the question is, how can you love that person again, when the best thing for them was NOT to love them so that they could get better? How can you forgive someone when they are not asking for forgiveness, they are just asking you to forget.

I have no idea, maybe someone out there can help, who has been down the same road. Can you ever go back? Thanks, Corey

It's about learning how to make healthy decisions and if you face a similar dilemma to Corey's, get yourself Help Me! I'm Love With An Addict so that you can discover how to start doing so. When you learn to start prioritising your own needs again, things will naturally fall into place and the answers you're searching for will become clear.

Comments for Husband is a Recovering Cocaine Addict/Alcoholic and Wants to Come Home.

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Aug 22, 2011
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He finally went into treatment
by: Anonymous

my fiancee is an alcoholic, and has just this week entered a detox centre, hes been a heavy drinker for about 15 years and a disgusting drunk for the last 10. Hes broken us finacially, been charged with drunk driving, gained and lost over 20 jobs in the last 10 years and now doesnt even bother to look for jobs anymore, only for health reasons did he agree to go to detox and treatment, I guess hearing that within 10 years he'll be dead kinda scared him, he's been violent with me on occassion and then very remorseful the next day, the people he has gravitated to just are the worst kind of people imaginable, drunks, drug addicts, losers. but despite all his crap, I still love him, I want to help him, but I dont know what to expect when he comes home, the whole reason for his drinking is his moms horrific treatment of him to this day, and his fathers premature death at 50. he gets in really sad and then bad moods when hes drinking. THe first week of detox has been brutal for me, learning how to even function without the constant worry about him and whether he will do something stupid while drunk, hes hurt himself from falling and crashing into furniture more times than I can count, and puts it off to clumsiness. When I speak to him on the phone from detox, he still is saying about he thinks he can come home and just have one or two on the weekends or at functions, and that now he has a handle on it, how can he, its only been a week?!!! When do I trust that is true, or should ever trust anything he says again, so far hes lied so much, I dont beleive a word he says, but is that destructive now that he seems to want to get well, I know there is a long road ahead, but Im hoping me going to alanon will help me if not him.

Aug 19, 2011
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Addicted
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain, I am dealing with a coke addict, and two small children, he has voluntarily come forward to get help, he has relapsed 3 times in two weeks but has yet to recieve councelling, I am so financially burdened , and my heart is broke, I feel as though someone has died. Do I stay or do I go, do I give it a few months, or leave before their is even more debt, loss of house, can I even believe him anymore, please help me, I am going crazy!

Apr 06, 2011
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pain med addict
by: Anonymous

I am in a situation somewhat similar. My spouse was addicted to hydrocodone. He has now been out of the house for five weeks and sober for about 3 weeks. Instead of blaming me, he admits to everything being his fault and seems remorseful. I'm just not sure when it's appropriate for him to come back home. I do love him, but worry about the chance of a relapse. He admits to being a jerk and to the abuse.

Mar 30, 2011
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Hell
by: Anonymous

An alcoholic for the last 10 years, my husband has undergone three hospitalisations and four rehab sessions over last one and half years. Every time he is brough back from the rehab he starts drinking the moment he is back home and now it has led to psychosis resulting in violent behaviour and full of idiosyncracies followed by dementia. Me, my 19 year daughter and my 76 year old mother-in-law live in constant apprehension and anxiety as what might happen the day he is brought back from the rehab. I do not expect him to recover as he is still in denial and blames everyone else except himself for his present condition.

He is a very senior official in a govt. dept. We fear that he might lose his job any day as he has not been able to attend office for over nine months now. I have been thinking of leaving him many a times. But it is a very difficult situation as he is the only child and no one to take care of him. Moreover, my aged mother-in-law is also dependent on me and she believes that one day her son will recover and come back home. She wants to wait for him.

I always ask God, what sin have I committed that I have to go through this hell. no one can understand the agony of this lonely life where we live in constant shame and fear. Society takes alcoholism as a bad habit and not a diease and the family members of the alcoholics are looked down upon. I am in a confused state of mind unable to decide the course of my life.

Jan 22, 2011
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A little Update... part 2
by: Anonymous

He has spend the nights once a week with the kids, and I just have to trust/hope that he can keep himself together when he has them.

Trust him. Well, that is almost impossible. But, I just have too.

I just know, it was the scariest ride of my life.. but I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is a long way away, but it is there and I am on my way towards it.

Alone, but with my children and finding a new "me" along the way.

He will always be in my life, that I can't change. But I have learned to let go of my anger and change myself. To change the way I react to him and letting go. It has not been easy, but it is not hurting so much anymore.

Of course the day to day fears like, supporting my family and maybe even, (lord help me).. :) maybe dating again... (yikes) is still there..

But, this part of my life is so different now, and I am so different now. I hope for my husbands sake he has learned something, and is also different now. But, if not, it is no longer my problem.

I wish all of you well and all the strength in the world for whatever you decide it right for you and your situation. It is so hard, but it does get better.

Corey

Jan 22, 2011
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A little Update..
by: Anonymous

Hi Ali and all of the other people that have replied to this thread...thank you all for the support and your stories. I just wanted to give a little update to my comment I posted over a year ago now...

It is amazing how time flies, and also how much and how little changes in the meantime.

My husband is still my husband,(not divorced yet..)legally a bit in limbo.
He still wants to come home and holds out hope that we will make it in the end.
Our lives are running parallel, but with a divider in between.
I have finally accepted that I whatever we had before this tragedy occurred has died. Trust, Respect, Communication, Security, (both emotionally and financially) have been destroyed. No matter how scary it is to be alone, without these things there isn't a chance in hell we will make it.

The sad thing is, it that he doesn't want those things for himself. He just wants it to be back the way it was, and for me that is impossible. Because the LAST thing I want is the way we were at the end.

As difficult of a decision that it is, I know it is the right one for me and my children.

Too much time has passed for me, I am trying to move on.

He is still not in a program, or living the clean "life". There is not a moment communication about anything other than the superficial.
He says he hasn't used cocaine in the last 9 months. But, he has started to "drink a beer, that was never his problem anyway.." His answer is that he has it under control. If I were to come back to him he would stop, but why should he, if I am unwilling?

The difference is now, it that is doesn't affect me anymore. I have learned to distance myself completely. I know now what I will always wish him well, and love him because he is the father of my children.
But now, I realize I cannot and do not want to control him anymore. What he does in his own life is now his problem and no longer mine.

I used to spend nights worrying about what he was doing, testing urine for him to make sure he was clean. Asking my child (once... and never again...) if his father was drinking alcohol...
Now, I have learned to forgive.. not to forget.. that is impossible, but to wish him well. He is on a slippery slope, but unlike before I am no longer there to catch him. I have learned to be true to myself.

I have let go of the need to communicate with, control, worry about, and suffer for him. Now,I am trying to focus on me and my children.

It's scary, but not as scary as it was a year ago, and not half as scary as two years ago. But day by day it is getting better.

I have no idea why this happened to him and to our family. I assume there must be some greater plan or some lesson to be learned. Until now, I haven't quite understood why, but hopefully I will someday.

(see next comment)

Jan 21, 2011
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Married to Drug Addict
by: Ali

Couldn't have said it better. I too have left my husband 3 months ago for oxycodone/cocaine/xanax addiction. I found out the first time 2 1/2 years ago while I was 8 months pregnant with our 2nd child. 2 rehabs later and suboxone twice, I am done. He sounds EXACTLY like your husband. EXACT. I too am suppose to "forget" the past 3 years, while caring for a 3 year old and 18 month old. I am told even by his family that I can't live in the past and to move forward. Really??? That easy huh? I am emotionally drained. He has called me heartless and I have no compassion. Still blaming others and really hasn't apologized either. I finally had to tell him the drugs are not the reason, that was just the icing on a VERY large cake. It is the way he is, not just an ass when on the drugs, just the personality. Narcisitic..I do know ALOT about addiction and I know this is the right thing to do. I am VERY scared but I know this is the right thing. He is not really facing his fears (he says he is) and he does have a sponsor and does step work but I still think he is not being honest with himself. My children are 1st priorty. Although his health is at the utmost importance, they come first. Luckily at this point he does have a job still, because it is a families business. Again I am extremely scared and lonely but it HAS to be better. Hope all goes well with you, and thank you for sharing your story. Ali

Dec 12, 2010
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ask for effective help and love
by: Cila

Perhaps I am too late with my comment.

I am a family member of a recovering alcoholic. I can say that before ANY decision is made the family member is adviced to visit a Twelve Step Group meeting, In your case Al-Anon or Nar-Anon if you have nearby... You will be surprised how your burdens will be eased!

With love: Cila

Jul 22, 2010
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congrats
by: Anonymous

thats good that hes recovering its not easy too let go of drugs cause once your addicted its ganna be hard too let go of your addiction,just be there for him and help him.(:

Mar 02, 2010
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I've been on both sides of addiction
by: Greg A

As a recovering alcoholic I can remember a blaming my out of control drinking on a number of people--from my parents to my wife and situations such as "the high stress jobs I had".

I blamed these villains to justify the start of my drinking, the continuation of my drinking, and during rocky periods of dry-drunk sobriety I maintained my innocence and their guilt, and of course I blamed these culprits as the cause of my relapses, too.

Addicts are usually good at convincing others it's their fault. They're certainly persistent. It usually takes a while for some spouses to quit blaming themselves and trying to fix their addicted spouse. The next step is self preservation which is probably the most difficult one because most spouses hold out the hope that their loved one will see the light.

But an addict who is in denial about his or her responsibilities is an addict in relapse mode as far as what I have been taught and done myself. And prior to they actually use they're miserable people to be around for reasons well known to you. More than one counselor has said, "Relapse begins long before actual use."

It's taken me a very long time to accept the fact that I have always been and still am completely responsible for my actions. I have never been tied down and force fed alcohol in the forty years since I drank my first drink. I did it all to myself.

I'm fortunate, though. I managed to stay out of serious legal trouble and I finally ended up on the receiving end of an alcoholic I cared about in all her drunken glory. That enabled me to finally see how insane her behavior was and just how much I had in common with her. The similarities were overwhelming and I was powerless to stop her. She taught me the ugly truth about myself and I decided that I had seen and drunk enough.

I wish there was some way to get addicts to accept reality but our current methods of treatment fail more than they succeed. Maybe there will be a breakthrough in treatment some day, but I don't think we'll see it in my lifetime. In the meantime, It's there's going to be a lot of heartache. To repeat the long known truisms that C-P calls the three C's:

You didn't cause his addiction. (Regardless of what he claims.)

You can't control his addiction. (Neither can he, for that matter.)

You can't cure his addiction. (Nobody can.)

He may have months of therapy but he didn't incorporate the information. I had far more therapy and rehab than him and I still didn't get it. He may or may not ever get it.

You'll know it if he does because he'll stop blaming and criticizing you and accept full responsibility for his actions and begin the serious work of rebuilding his life. But don't hold your breath.

Feb 28, 2010
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Be Careful
by: C-P

Be very careful Corey. If your husband doesn't want to take responsibility for what he's done and still keeps blaming you means that mentally he's still very much operating from an addictive mindset and that if he hasn't done so already, relapse and everything the life of active addiction brings is an almost inevitable result. Just because he may be clean/sober - doesn't mean he's in recovery. Recovery is about trying to get well, change your destructive thought patterns, make amends, and build a new healthy life. And it doesn't sound like he's doing that - so if he is still sober makes him nothing more than a dry drunk. So if and until he actually begins to embrace a life of recovery and you can see the changes in him, I would be very wary. Take Care a good luck.

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