Husband is a Recovering Cocaine Addict/Alcoholic and Wants to Come Home.

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Husband is a Recovering Cocaine Addict/Alcoholic and Wants to Come Home.

by Corey
(Berlin, Germany)

I have never been on a site like this before, but I am struggling with my "non-relationship" with my husband. He has been clean for a year now, for 3 years he was fully functioning cocaine addict with an alcohol problem. When he went to a 3 months rehab program, I finally found the strength to leave him and take my children with me.

He says he is clean now, but the person I have in front of me I cannot recognize. He is broke, jobless, but he stands before me now, not beaten or recalcitrant but angry and bitter that I let him down and deserted him in his hour of need. Like all addicts, it is and always has been his ego and needs first. I thought that would change but now that he is clean, I have learned that my husband is just built that way.

I am too angry at what he has done to our family, the broken trust, all of the money what he wasted, the financial and emotional ruin he has put our family through. The sad thing is is that he still doesn't take responsibility for all that he did to us and to himself. He says he has apologized and that I should get over it and to stop thinking only of myself and think of our children and how they need a complete family. He has done "what I asked for" and now he should be allowed to come home as if nothing has happened.

He wants to come home, says I have been a horrible wife for leaving him when he most needed me. He forgets the 3 years of hell I went through with him and his sickness. I should just get over it. But he still "loves me."

After all of the therapy, he is still not able to communicate, to express his fears or even explain what happened. He says that now I am the sick one, how I have become so egotistical. I consider it to be self-preservation. Big difference. This from the person who "loves me."

I wish I could see the man I married, the generous, unselfish, loving funny man ... I prayed he would be the one to survive when the "other man" I was married to the last 3 years disappeared in rehab. I am sometimes not sure if maybe I still only see the monster in him because, there is not one iota of trust, only memories of the past. Before I only wanted to be there for him. Now, I just don't care to hear it.

I can't do it anymore, he is here everyday, playing house on his terms, because I still want my kids to see their Dad ... such a mess. I really wanted to recognize the person in front of me again, when he finally was clean. The parts of his personality that made me so unhappy, I blamed on the drugs. But, as he stands before me now, he seems to be the same, without the excuse of being wasted.

I can't allow myself or my children to be put through it all again. I am so happy to be free, free from his constant inflexibility and judgement. I hope for him that he really is clean, but who knows? I hope he can earn money soon to support us and pay off our debt. Who knows?

I always heard that you have to let the person you love go, so that they can reach rock bottom. I never understood what that meant until I closed the door on him a year ago. From that day on, I killed all feeling I had for him. Because to love him, only hurt him. I protected him, fought for him, paid for him, lied for him. I can't anymore.

Now the question is, how can you love that person again, when the best thing for them was NOT to love them so that they could get better? How can you forgive someone when they are not asking for forgiveness, they are just asking you to forget.

I have no idea, maybe someone out there can help, who has been down the same road. Can you ever go back?

Thanks,
Corey

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Husband is a Recovering Cocaine Addict/Alcoholic and Wants to Come Home.

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Jul 22, 2010
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congrats
by: Anonymous

thats good that hes recovering its not easy too let go of drugs cause once your addicted its ganna be hard too let go of your addiction,just be there for him and help him.(:

Mar 02, 2010
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I've been on both sides of addiction
by: Greg A

As a recovering alcoholic I can remember a blaming my out of control drinking on a number of people--from my parents to my wife and situations such as "the high stress jobs I had".

I blamed these villains to justify the start of my drinking, the continuation of my drinking, and during rocky periods of dry-drunk sobriety I maintained my innocence and their guilt, and of course I blamed these culprits as the cause of my relapses, too.

Addicts are usually good at convincing others it's their fault. They're certainly persistent. It usually takes a while for some spouses to quit blaming themselves and trying to fix their addicted spouse. The next step is self preservation which is probably the most difficult one because most spouses hold out the hope that their loved one will see the light.

But an addict who is in denial about his or her responsibilities is an addict in relapse mode as far as what I have been taught and done myself. And prior to they actually use they're miserable people to be around for reasons well known to you. More than one counselor has said, "Relapse begins long before actual use."

It's taken me a very long time to accept the fact that I have always been and still am completely responsible for my actions. I have never been tied down and force fed alcohol in the forty years since I drank my first drink. I did it all to myself.

I'm fortunate, though. I managed to stay out of serious legal trouble and I finally ended up on the receiving end of an alcoholic I cared about in all her drunken glory. That enabled me to finally see how insane her behavior was and just how much I had in common with her. The similarities were overwhelming and I was powerless to stop her. She taught me the ugly truth about myself and I decided that I had seen and drunk enough.

I wish there was some way to get addicts to accept reality but our current methods of treatment fail more than they succeed. Maybe there will be a breakthrough in treatment some day, but I don't think we'll see it in my lifetime. In the meantime, It's there's going to be a lot of heartache. To repeat the long known truisms that C-P calls the three C's:

You didn't cause his addiction. (Regardless of what he claims.)

You can't control his addiction. (Neither can he, for that matter.)

You can't cure his addiction. (Nobody can.)

He may have months of therapy but he didn't incorporate the information. I had far more therapy and rehab than him and I still didn't get it. He may or may not ever get it.

You'll know it if he does because he'll stop blaming and criticizing you and accept full responsibility for his actions and begin the serious work of rebuilding his life. But don't hold your breath.

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Mar 02, 2010
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Submitted by: Greg A

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As a recovering alcoholic I can remember a blaming my out of control drinking on a number of people--from my parents to my wife and situations such as "the high stress jobs I had". I blamed these villains to justify the start of my drinking, the continuation of my drinking, and during rocky periods of dry-drunk sobriety I maintained my innocence and their guilt, and of course I blamed these culprits as the cause of my relapses, too. Addicts are usually good at convincing others it's their fault. They're certainly persistent. It usually takes a while for some spouses to quit blaming themselves and trying to fix their addicted spouse. The next step is self preservation which is probably the most difficult one because most spouses hold out the hope that their loved one will see the light. But an addict who is in denial about his or her responsibilities is an addict in relapse mode as far as what I have been taught and done myself. And prior to they actually use they're miserable people to be around for reasons well known to you. More than one counselor has said, "Relapse begins long before actual use." It's taken me a very long time to accept the fact that I have always been and still am completely responsible for my actions. I have never been tied down and force fed alcohol in the forty years since I drank my first drink. I did it all to myself. I'm fortunate, though. I managed to stay out of serious legal trouble and I finally ended up on the receiving end of an alcoholic I cared about in all her drunken glory. That enabled me to finally see how insane her behavior was and just how much I had in common with her. The similarities were overwhelming and I was powerless to stop her. She taught me the ugly truth about myself and I decided that I had seen and drunk enough. I wish there was some way to get addicts to accept reality but our current methods of treatment fail more than they succeed. Maybe there will be a breakthrough in treatment some day, but I don't think we'll see it in my lifetime. In the meantime, It's there's going to be a lot of heartache. To repeat the long known truisms that C-P calls the three C's: You didn't cause his addiction. (Regardless of what he claims.) You can't control his addiction. (Neither can he, for that matter.) You can't cure his addiction. (Nobody can.) He may have months of therapy but he didn't incorporate the information. I had far more therapy and rehab than him and I still didn't get it. He may or may not ever get it. You'll know it if he does because he'll stop blaming and criticizing you and accept full responsibility for his actions and begin the serious work of rebuilding his life. But don't hold your breath.

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Feb 28, 2010
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Be Careful
by: C-P

Be very careful Corey. If your husband doesn't want to take responsibility for what he's done and still keeps blaming you means that mentally he's still very much operating from an addictive mindset and that if he hasn't done so already, relapse and everything the life of active addiction brings is an almost inevitable result. Just because he may be clean/sober - doesn't mean he's in recovery. Recovery is about trying to get well, change your destructive thought patterns, make amends, and build a new healthy life. And it doesn't sound like he's doing that - so if he is still sober makes him nothing more than a dry drunk. So if and until he actually begins to embrace a life of recovery and you can see the changes in him, I would be very wary. Take Care a good luck.