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Hurt , Betrayed and Ready to Bail ... How My Husband Has Been Lying for More Than 3 Years About Overcoming His Alcoholism and Addiction

by Izzie
(Tumultuous Hell)

I just found out a couple of weeks ago that the entire three years my husband and I have been together has been based on lies.


I told him 6 months into dating that I couldn't live with an addict/alcoholic and he "got help" and overcame. Praise rained down from the heavens from me! He changed his life! I couldn't believe he did it!

How AWESOME! ... only to find out a week after we were married that he had been drinking and doing drugs the whole time - lying to me about where he was, what he was doing and who he was with ... AND he took my praise with a smile on his face and told me how wonderful I was for supporting him.

He Completely used my trust knowing what he was doing was wrong. I feel so empty. We have only been married three weeks now and I'm ready to leave. I feel like everything we built our relationship on was false. Lies.

Where do I go now? Is there any salvaging this mess? He started going to therapy, but it feels like too little too late. I'm still bleeding from this horrible chain of events. I have zero trust for him and to do something like this he would have to have no respect for me.

Any thought ... advice ... is welcome and helpful. Thanks!







Answer



Hi Izzie

All solid and strong relationships are based on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. It's easy to say one loves a person, but ultimately how we ACT and the things we do, show how much we really care about someone.

So the fact that your husband was able to lie to you for so long obviously says a lot, especially about his character and the kind of person he is. Someone who is able to live a lie and a life of deception for that long, is not someone you're ever likely to be able to trust completely again. And without trust, you have nothing in a relationship.

That's not to say your husband can't change. People do. But when trust has been broken to the extent it has - can it ever be completely repaired? You need to ask yourself that. Maybe it's something you could get over if your husband really does change and shows you in time that he has become trustworthy.

Personally, it's not something I could get over. But you may be different. So it's something you really need to think about - can you ever see yourself being happy and totally trusting your husband again?

You may want to give your husband a final chance - with the understanding he commits to totally turning his life around by doing what it necessary to overcome his addictions and never lies to you again.

Or you may feel it's easier to leave and deal with the pain and disappointment now - rather than run the risk of being let down again in future when it's going to be even harder to leave?

Be honest with yourself. Think what will most likely lead to happiness for you in the long-term? Seek out friends and family for their advice and support - but most importantly listen to your own inner voice and intuition.

It won't be an easy decision, but trust yourself to make the right one.

Good Luck and God Bless



Comments for Hurt , Betrayed and Ready to Bail ... How My Husband Has Been Lying for More Than 3 Years About Overcoming His Alcoholism and Addiction

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Feb 19, 2013
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Old drug user and sick wife
by: Anonymous

I have been married for almost 40 years, he started taking drugs 7 years ago. I am so sick over it, he has made me feel crazy and I'm the one with the problem.I find razor blades cant even tell you what he says he uses them for so nuts! He was such a good man . I have to make a decision soon I'm 60 years old now, what am I supose to do now the begining of the golden years, holy crap I'm so sick and helpless.

May 16, 2012
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LET HIM ROT
by: Anonymous

29 years of lies 6 children and 15 grandkids lives ruined by lies , and i thourght i was crazy and he had a brain tumor he changed that much in the last 10 years when he had sexually assaulted my youngest daughter he wanted me to kill myself so i would never find out well i did im alive and he has lost everything i hate men at the moment but i look at my sons and know all men are not bad!!!

May 15, 2011
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starstarstarstarstar
GET OUT NOW!
by: Pittsburgh Nancy

GET OUT NOW! Do not hesitate. Take your children and run far away. Addiction is lying. He is insane and will make you and
your children insane.

You will reach a point of not knowing sanity
from insanity. Your children will grow up to find themselves in insane relationships because to them that is normal. So please do
it for your children if not for yourself. GET OUT NOW. Keep your integrity. Keep your life. Give yourself and your children a chance.

You're hurting now? Multiply it by 10,000. That's how much worse it will get. This man will DESTROY your life. His love object is using, not you, and not his children. Nothing will get in the way of his addiction/alcoholism/lying and it WILL GET WORSE.

Mar 11, 2011
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RUN
by: Anonymous

My gosh, I've been reading the posts as I am going through the same thing. I married Aug. 2009, second marriage, hopeful to make it great and in the end I was lied to, deceived. He was doing and selling coke but hid it from me knowing I never done and don't approve.

I have been manipulated from the beginning by someone who claims he loves me yet he has no idea what it means. He's only going on the dopamine floating in his head. Love....love is care not lies and deception.

3 years of relationship and nearly 2 years of marriage seems meaningless though my mind wants to believe it meant something. I'm left hurt, confused, heartbroken and helpless.

Don't stay, don't ever think anyone is worth your life and staying with such people will cost you everything in the end. None of us have the right to sacrifice our lives and happiness to TRY to change or fix someone especially when that person does not really want to change.

No person changes unless they want to. Keep your sanity and find someone who will be ready for your love and have equal love to give.



Dec 14, 2010
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reply to other anonymous
by: Anonymous

HI again - there was another message on here asking for mutual support - I am the 'anonymous' that wrote about the frog analogy. If you want to get in touch have you got an email? I am bit worried about posting mine on here!
x

Nov 04, 2010
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Same circus, different tent
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been together about 6 years. We were both drug addicts when we met. We recovered together, and I went back to school. We now have a nice home and two wonderful children. A few days ago, I found out that I was the only one who recovered from the drug addiction. He would wait until I went to sleep at night, then he would leave and go get loaded on crystal meth. I had him put in jail and they are sending him to rehab. I have initiated a divorce in the mean time. I will never forgive him. My entire adult life and marriage has been a joke. I am so sorry for the rest of you who are going through this.

Nov 03, 2010
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Curious
by: Anonymous

I am curious as to how your situation turned out. I find myself in a similar situation and wonder if I have any hope in finding the loving man I married so long ago. I just found out the lies have been going on for about 3 years and asked him to leave. Your experiences could help me try and learn what I have to look forward to.
Hope all is well for you.

Oct 21, 2010
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I understand
by: Anonymous

Hi there does not seem to be a time/date for when you posted your message so I hope this is still relevant to you now?

I was also married to a man that was an extremely gifted liar in hiding his addictions.
He convinced everyone. He was a natural liar in other things too.
The trouble is that every chance I gave him to change- he would just fake it very very well and I would not discover the truth.
I thought we were building a marriage but all the while he was deceiving me whilst knowing how much it hurt me the other times.

Your husband tricked you - I do wonder if this 'counts' as a marriage when you entered into it under false pretenses and lies - not the agreement you agreed to.
It must be so painful for you to have all your dreams shattered.
I do hope he has genuinely changed?

A word of warning for you though - you will climatise to his behaviour and reality will slip - you may think he is as devoted as you and completely adore him - this is just a survival mechanism that kicks in because the truth is too unbelievable.
If you can, keep your sense of reality and boundaries.
There is an analogy regarding a frog. If you put a frog in a pan of boiling water it will jump straight out. However, if you put the frog in a pan of cold water and slowly heat it it will boil to death!!
Hope you can see what I am saying about climatising to a bad situation.
All the best x x

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