How To Best Avoid My Husbands Rage When He Drinks?

by Linda
(Florida)

My husband is what you would call a functioning alcoholic. He doesn't drink during the week but come Friday he drinks a lot. Enough to change him from a nice guy that I love to a complete jerk.

He gets so moody and angry and all he does is look to fight with me. Sometimes when we are in public he embarrasses me so much. I usually can't take it so I start telling him to stop that he is drunk, which makes matters even worse. He insults me and calls me horrible names and is just a monster.

Then he falls a sleep and the Next morning it's like nothing happened except that he blames me for causing us to fight. He is not physically aggressive but he does scare me sometimes because he has so much anger inside him. He NEVER admits that he has a drinking problem and if I ever have a glass of wine than he says I'm the drunk one causing all the problems.

I try now not to even have a glass of wine with dinner so that he can't blame it on that. I have two young kids and have been working so hard to save the marriage just so they don't have to go through a divorce. We went to counseling and it helped. He drank less and he didn't have rage attacks for a long time. But they are starting again.

So my questions are these: how do I make him realize what he is doing? He doesn't have any family close by to do an intervention, so what can I do? Second, I feel sometimes when he gets moody and agitated if I can just try and ignore it it wouldn't escalate to full blown rage attack.

It's just that I can't stand when he is like this and I get so upset that I tell him exactly what I think of him. This makes the situation 100 worse. What is the best way to deal with a person like this? I want to help him because when he doesn't drink he is a great husband and father, and I want my kids to have a happy life.

Don't know how to deal with the dark side of my husband. I know if I do not succeed eventually I won't be able to live with it, but for now I'm trying to make it work somehow. Our kids have seen us fight on a number of occasions but they also see us be very loving towards each other, and I'm sure it is so confusing for them.

My husbands dad had a drinking problem and so did his brother, and my husband never showed any desire to stop drinking since he thinks that drinking only on the weekends doesn't make you an alcoholic. In the meantime my weekends are usually ruined while he sips a drink by the pool and blames me for not having a good time.

I just needs some guidance here, I'm very lost as to how to deal with this? By the way I've been married for 17 years and have been dealing with this problem for a very long time. If it wasn't for my kids I think I would have thrown in the towel long time ago. I'm just so tired

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Linda, your frustration is understandable because what you're going through is incredibly difficult, but just trying to ignore what is happening, especially when he has his rage attacks isn't the right way to go about it.

You have to keep talking out against his behavior, because just letting him get away with it won't help. He needs to know his drinking and how he behaves once he's had too much to drink is unacceptable, but it's also a question of how and when you confront him.

When he's like that, the ideal would be to walk away (easier said than done) and remove yourself from the situation. Get out the house, go visit a friend and try and avoid being around him. Then the next day or as soon as he's sobered up again - you confront him in as cool and calm a way as you can (anger just adds fuel to the fire), and let him know how he's hurt you and that he has to stop with his abuse.

The fact that counseling helped your husband before would make that a good place to start in terms of suggesting what he do to address his problem. And make it clear to him that unless he takes this seriously - there are going to be consequences.

Linda, any kind of abuse is just not okay or acceptable. What kind of effect do you think this is going to have on your kids one day? Yes, trying to do everything you can to save a marriage is important, but if only one person is really trying ... whilst the other continues to rage havoc, what does that leave you with?

So step number one is to get clear in your mind that at the very least your husband's verbal abuse has to stop. Because until you do that, you aren't going to be able to convey the message to him in strong enough terms that you won't under any circumstances take any more of it. And he needs to know that if its ever going to stop.

As for his alcoholism, if he doesn't think it's a problem, there isn't much you can do that will make him see differently. So it becomes a question of whether that's something you'll be prepared to live with if he can at least deal with his anger issues and abuse? But because the two usually go hand in hand, it's going to be difficult.

Get yourself a support network in place as well. The insanity of all of this means you've forgotten what 'normal' and 'healthy' looks like. Groups like Al-Anon (for family and loved one's of alcoholics) are a great place to start. Maybe even some counseling for yourself.

Because at the end of the day, you can't change your husband. But you can change yourself by making decisions that will help you create the life you want, and give you and your kids every chance of health, happiness and peace of mind.

Also try and get yourself Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic or Drug Addict. There is a lot of information in there that can help you make sense of all this, and that will give you direction as to how best to take your life forward. Good Luck and God Bless

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