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How Do I Let Go of Being a Mother? My Son's Heroin Addiction is Killing Me

by Mom
(toledo)

My son is now 26. He has been through rehab, detox, AA, NA, sober living homes, rescues, hospitals, jail, jobs and homes more than you could ever imagine.


My first problem is that none of these places keep them long enough to learn to enjoy sobriety. They have to want to be sober - but more than that, enjoy being sober. They become 12 step brainwashed, till they shove it down your throat, and could write the programs themselves.

He knows the ins and outs, and can con even the best of counselors and sponsors. This process started when he was 15 being forced, rehab or jail. I kicked him out of my life 7 months ago (for the 5th or 6th time), only talked to him 3 times on the phone - all 3 times, I was screwed.

I let him know I loved him, but would not accept or have anything to do with his life as an addict. This last call was from the hospital (this was not the first time). He said he was beat up bad, like an idiot I went. There he was, laying in bed, bleeding, head cut and bruised, knees raw with large bruising, arms and feet, with cuts and abrasions, his shorts cut off of him, socks on the floor covered in mud and blood, shoes gone.

He swore someone beat him, as they tried to kill him. Nurse explained, police brought him in restraints, thought he was breaking into a house (no charges, ticket or warrant). She thought, by his injuries that he ran, tried jumping a fence, Nothing broken, he is released. She also told me, he was in rescue 2 days prior, and detox 3 weeks ago.

Actual diagnosis ... heroin addict. HEROIN, WHAT? My worst nightmare. I felt dizzy, sick and had pains in my chest. I didn't know what to do with him. Do I leave him, with no pants, shoes, (I know he will make a scene). He of course, wanted to come to my house, NOT happening!

They thought I should take him to a shelter (he would of never get out of my car). So I went to the store, bought him essentials to include pants and shoes. Put him in a cheap motel for 2 days and $10 worth of phone calls(on crutches). I brought him dinner the second night, just to find left over heroin paraphernalia.

I walked out, he followed me and asked me to come back. I walked back in the room, started to hit him, and told him , on no uncertain terms, he was to never contact me again. And to please, stay away from his 5yr old son. I haven't slept since, I cry when I am alone, want to hold my grandson, but afraid to see him (he links me to his dad, from the second I walk in).

Somehow I seem to make it through my day, at work with a fake smile. I am dead inside, my chest hurts, not sure if I am having a heart attack (praying it is and will take me fast).
You see. I am a Mom. I know the rules. Do not enable, let him hit bottom (he doesn't have one), I know I can't change or fix this.

So lord take me now - if I can't save my child - then I would rather be dead. I refuse to be the one to claim his body - while I waited for him to hit bottom.

Comments for How Do I Let Go of Being a Mother? My Son's Heroin Addiction is Killing Me

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Heroine I Hate NEW
by: Anonymous

I have joined the heroine club, moms that are dying inside because their child is dying in steps due to heroine addiction. Tonight I had a meltdown sitting here inside my bedroom inside my disarrayed home now almost empty from the divorce presently in process. The heroine addict did not create the divorce but only made it seem like an easy road. Nothing, not divorce, cancer, losing a job, nothing is worse than watching my beautiful, smart son fade into a hypodermic needle that has made him into a thief who can't enjoy even a moment of his new little girls life. He can't complete his goal of earning his lisence to be a master plumber. He can't help his grand mom move from her home into a senior living facility. He can't see his sister graduate. He can't help his dad with side jobs. He can't get married to the mother of his baby girl. He can't come to my birthday party- if I were able to have one. Today he can only sleep in the cold woods inside a tent left behind from his now jailed step brother. He is fortunate to still have ownership of a stolen mountain bike that now replaces a crashed pickup truck. His beautiful mind, now depressed and addicted, tells him to stay on the streets instead of facing the feloney charge that will certainly place him in prison for many years- death from an overdose seems like a good option. His only request to me is to bring him a blanket but after second thought he chooses to stay cold fearing I might discover his location and alert the police who will eagerly end his street existence by taking him to prison before he can kill himself with the last drop of heroine he can obtain

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a broken heart NEW
by: Anonymous

It has been a very long road for me and my 23 year son. My story sounds like all the rest...arrests, court dates, serving time, detox, rehabs, the list just goes on...my heart and spirit are broken. I just can't seem to let go no matter what. My son has stolen from me...Ive given him money. I just don't know whar to do. At least some of you have detached, but I can't. I threw him out once and he begged to come home. Heroin addiction has ruined my family. My other two boys, both younger have went to live with their father and I am here trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life. I am very depressed. I read all of your stories and my heart goes out to each of you. I have never experienced such pain. I am a person of faith, but that too has been tested time and time again. I pray for all of you that God will see these kids through.

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Not alone
by: Anonymous

My son is 32 and as all the stories on here mine would be exactly the same! I am just understanding I will grow old doing the same thing until one of us goes. My life is ruined! I have tried everything as you all have to a absolute tee! God please help us.

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my son is a heroin addict
by: Anonymous

I found out 3 years ago my only son who is 26 is a heroin addict. He has 2 kids 5 and 2. He has stolen from me and lies about it. It wasnt until this New Years day that My eldest daughter called me and told me that his kids hadnt been bathed and had rashes allover their bodies-and that Mom and dad slept all day while kids fended for themselves. I picked up the kids and when I seen them immediatley called cps. My son and girlfriend (mother of his children) have been living on the streets in the worst part of oakland. They both are liars. I believe she is now using some drug. The weather has been freezing and I told them to come shower and sleep here. Im wondering now if i should have offered! Im lost here. I am basically a single mom now with two toddlers and dealing with possibly my son dying of overdose or being shot-or worse suicide. Should I let them stay tonite or do I just give them blankets since they have been sleeping in their truck?

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hugs to you
by: Toledo Mom

Anonymous, please know my heart goes out to you. I guess at least you can have peace knowing he is now with God, and no longer in mysery. I heard from my son yesterday, he is still running, has yet another jail sentence hanging over his head. Feeling depressed with high anxiety. He also mentioned he was so bored,and that is never good. I prayed hard, that my higher power will reach down and help him find his way. My heart is so broken!!!

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What now?
by: Anonymous

Our stories are all the same, as was mine. My son 28 years just comitted suicide. Now I don't know how to feel.

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Numb!
by: pam1021

I too know your pain.I have three adult children who have been using heroin and crack since they were teenages.god has blessed me with a healthy red headed beautiful 4 yr. old! The one thing i`ve yet to do is let go!

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broken hearted
by: Anonymous

I have 2 sons addicted to heroin. I get strong and let go and all of sudden I'm weak again. My oldest son had to have open heart surgery do endocartis. Its something addicts can get when using dirty needles.I almost lost him. He's gonna be 20 along with my other son his twin Nov.8th and we are preparing for another surgery to repair what couldn't be fixed the first time. Well tonight we can't find him. The surgeon won't do the surgery if he gets high. He has been clean 196 days! Why??? I totally understand what the other mother said when she said we bury our children several times. A part of me dies with them everytime.. I need help..

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hi
by: Anonymous

Hi i happend to run across this i realy feel bad for you if need to talk get back with me Lk from 108 toledo

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I need your e mail address
by: Toledo Mom

Surely, I would love to talk with you - I am no longer living in Toledo, I am now in Florida. Detachment was too hard for me, I needed distance too. It's my sons birthday tomorrow July 5th (these are the hardest for me). I am not sure where he is or how to reach him, bet I pray god will kiss him for me and whisper in his ear that his mother loves him with all her heart,and hopes he has a wonderful and safe day.I will attend a Al Anon meeting in his honor and mine. My heart is with you!

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help
by: Anonymous

Please - I am in the same boat - can you write back and we can talk - I buried a son at 8 years old from cancer, I can not bury another one. I need a friend.

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Find Your Escape
by: Anonymous

Toledo Mom here,
Since writing in here, I have attended several al anon meetings. Face to face and online. It has saved my life. I have learned to detach with love. I still have my moments(sometimes even hours) - but I have survived. Its taken alot of meditation, talking to my people (only we can understand). You walk into those rooms, and realize how many are going through the same thing. Yes is my son is still using. Even after his last 6 months in yet another re hab. But I am finally realizing, its his shit. I can't change it - fix it or cure it. Its not mine, so work on you moms. I am taking a month off, can't really afford it but...can't afford not to. Going to Florida- for sun, meditation and dancing in the streets (the villages are amazing)going to be with my parents (now 80yrs old). Anyway find your escape-and not under the sheets or in that grave we have dug ourselves. I highly recommend it. And give al anon a real chance. I have walked in those rooms many times, mostly angry and desperate. But this time sit down and hear your life being said, by different faces. And really laugh, be hugged and accepted, no matter how ugly your life has been. Love all of you - Being a mom can be devastating at times. We shouldn't have to bury our children once in our life time, but moms of addicts have to several times. If you need to talk - find me in stepchat online tjk1432- its always open and has meetings daily. Or if in Toledo (The Villages in March)look in the face to face meetings.

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My daughter
by: Anonymous

is 21. Was sexually abused as a youngster. Has had therapy, an eating disorder, more therapy, another eating disorder, moretherapy, drug addiction, then took the money to pay the therapist and gave it to a drug dealer. Snorting Roxicet and Xanax. On the Suboxone (methadone type drug) x 2 and that didn't work. Stole 800.00 from my checking account in July to buy drugs. Has wrecked 5 cars in 3 years, been hospitalized 6 times in 2 years. Today I find out she is writing checks (forging) on my checking account, again. So, Today, I threw her out. I am sorry with all my heart and soul that this beautiful girl was abused and I did not know and so could not prevent it, But she is now using this as a reason for a drug habit that I cannot condone. I can't do this any more.

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Verona Mom
by: Anonymous

I am the mother of two sons...both who are addicts. Each have a daughter and I currently have custody of one. I have watched them spiral down a dead end road for many years (they are 33 and 35) in and out of jails...overdosed...you name it. My heart is totally torn and cannot be repaired. I feel your pain Toledo Mom and all the others out there who walk in our shoes. I am to the point where I can't function normally. I have detached myself from so many.I pray diligently. God help me get through this pain. My sons have been dead for a longtime. We just haven't had to bury them yet.

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Heart-Breaking
by: C-P

There is nothing I can say you don't already know - you know all the 'rules' - but that doesn't necessarily help dealing with the pain. I think letting go is about making peace with the fact that you can't control your son's behaviour or what's going to happen to him - and then making the decision to go out and figure out how to lead a life that will bring you a semblance of happiness and purpose. Letting Go happens in the doing - when you start taking part in things you enjoy, spending time with people who uplift you, making time to treat yourself - and so in time your happiness and sense of well-being is no longer tied into your son's activities. I don't think as a parent the pain or worry will ever go away entirely, but that doesn't mean you can't still have your own life and happiness. I think this mother's story who went through something similar may help you - and unbearable as things may seem now, never stop believing in your ability to get through this. Surround yourself with good people and it will help you get through these tough times. Good Luck and God Bless

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