His Alcoholism Drives Me Crazy....
I get violent. I still believe him when he tells me how much he loves me and actually trust him and we get close again. Then he drinks and becomes a horrid, ugly, evil, bad bad man. I freak out, I cry for days, breakdown.
I throw and break things. I am so sad when he chooses to drink. Not only do I take it as a personal rejection, I am heartbroken that he doesn't love 'us' enough to stay full time. I hope this makes sense, am at my wits end and just want the madness to stop! thanks for your help .. truly.
Your husband doesn't hurt you intentionally, but unfortunately he has got a serious illness called alcoholism, and so the way he behaves is just part of the insanity of his addiction.
It in no way excuses his behavior, but means you should just try not to take it personally. But at the same time, by not taking a firm stand and making it clear to him that things can't continue as they are, you let the cycle of addiction simply continue.
Your husband needs help. And going through a proper alcoholism addiction treatment program
would be a good place to start. So you want to try and do everything you can to facilitate that - and if need be even do a proper intervention
Losing it yourself doesn't help the situation in any way. Of course it hurts like hell, but you have to try and counter his insanity and chaos - with calm, strength and love. And the best way to love your husband right now is to confront his alcoholism and do whatever you can to get him the help he needs.
Take Care and Good Luck