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Here I Go Again: My Out of Control Drinking Problem is Torture

Well, I need to express myself by sharing my story. I am 29. (single female). So, when you meet me initially, you think wow this girl has it ALL together AND I am pretty.


I am charming and intelligent. Super resourceful and independent, caring and giving and admired by lots until you know my whole deal. Since about the age of 22 to 23, I have been drinking off and on and quite heavily. 2 DUI's, unplanned pregnancy, countless jobs, bent up cars, loss of license (currently have to drive with ignition interlock), countless one night stands, dozens of sex partners over the years, loss of respect, shameful -- embarrassment of a human being.

Most of my stories ( I keep hidden) but everyone in my family knows I am a drunk. In fact I AM THE DRUNK of the 5 kids. All the rest can reasonably handle booze. I am so angry and sickened. After years of this misery and hell, some months ago I started a group for recovering alcoholics. And things were going well. Well, I have moved and had to stop as I left out of state cos I had gotten fired from last PROP MGMT job and couldn't find work.


Anyways, I know inside I have a hideous drinking problem. I don't like to call myself a drunk but I am. No, I don't drink daily or even weekly but when I do, I tie it on like it's the last.


This stuff is so humiliating I have to share under the cover of being anonymous. Since moving to yet another new place, in one month I have managed to completely lose ground with being sober. I Have had casual sexual encounters at least 5 times now already in one month.

And the latest is I have taken a position as a caretaker and moved in with a blind man. Swearing this will help me cos I need to be sober, GUESS WHAT? Last night, he drank with me and we both got drunk and he then proceeded to want to have sex with me and I go undressed and he started touching me but I STOPPED IT!

This man is almost 50 and this is sickening. I am supposed to be his HELP not his sex partner but I got so inebriated that I lost total perception and allowed this man to touch me --- I feel sickened and repulsed. I awoke today with a terrible hangover, terrible and laid there thinking HOW do we overcome this now?

So I walked out to the living room where he was and we talked about it and I explained that this was unacceptable on both our parts and that I will not be getting drunk again with him (What he doesn't know is, this experience is one of dozens upon dozens that I have had due to my insane outta control drinking). Anyways, I feel cheap and dirty and have lost some respect in his eyes as well. He didn't get nearly as drunk as me.

My family thinks I am better. I had to leave my last living situation because I was going into my room and putting away pints of vodka -- leaving in the middle of the night, and wandering around this large city alone -- I would be super loud when talking on the phone and clearly, was obnoxious. My room mate said I was a delight but something was wrong (she didn't know I was drinking in my room).

One evening I decided I wanted some wine, so I bought sum. Well I drank the bottle and wanted more so I called a cab and got more. That evening wound me up, walking down town into bars alone and I wound up going home with a stranger and sleeping with him ---

I have so many of these stories its unreal. And the odd thing is, I AM NOTHING like this SOBER. I am respectful, kind, have high morals but I tell myself every time I WON'T get drunk to this point but yet I do EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Its gotten so extreme that I am surprised I am even alive -- last time I drank at last room mates house, I had gotten some alcohol and left on foot drunk. Some where along there I went to a pub, met an english man -- went back to his house, made out with him and then blacked out only to find myself WALKING the streets where some girl came and picked me up and let me sleep at her house. I awoke next morning, hung over and confused and started my walk home.

You know there are so many absurd stories like this its unthinkable. Every time these events occur I promise myself NO MORE GETTING DRUNK! Guess what? I always end up getting drunk. The thing is, I am not a promiscuous person sober. And rarely even climax or even remember why I am going home with these strangers. What is wrong with me? Some are professionals and some are just guys and some are weirdos and some are young and some are old.

The oldest was going home with a 80 something year old man. We didn't sleep together but he stripped down and had me give him a spongebath. And he was married but his wife was gone. Of course I was intoxicated. I awoke to him sitting across from me reading the newspaper and drinking v8.

And of course there is the time I met an older gentlemen at a pub. He drove me back to my place. I don't remember the drive back but apparently he came inside my apartment with me. When he left, he didn't close the door all the way because when I awoke several hours later, I was just waking up when THAT SAME MAN CAME BACK just wandering into my house! He said he was coming to check on me and he brought me Burger King! Now, this sounds funny but the truth is -- he could have been a serial murderer. He left.

I have blacked out so many times--I go out alone too. I drink alone in my room. I don't do it all the time. But it's picking up in frequency.

This latest rendezvous with my blind room mate is horrific and sickening. I feel guilty for letting this happen. Of course, no one can know these things. I just suffer silently wondering why am I this way and will I ever gain enough self control to stop this assanine behavior?


I am so angry with myself. All of the trouble that my drinking has caused and I still do it. I have to wonder almost each time I go out to pubs alone the next day if I am pregnant. I live constantly wondering if I am pregnant because I can't remember if I had sex with men when we leave together. I have gone out to bars DRUNK, in my pajamas. Dirty as well.

I mean, I clean up fairly nice but OMG to see me out on one of my rampages is embarrassing. I can't imagine what people think.

Truth is, I stopped going out with people to drink because people started giving me a hard time about how I acted drunk and I was drinking too much so then over the years, I would go out alone. The thing is, I am never looking for a man -- I typically go to the bars ONCE I have gotten drunk or fairly buzzed at home ... then I end up going home with people.

I never go to a pub sober. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been tested for AIDS/HIV ... so far clear.

I have probably had around 100 sexual partners. I have even slept with women. I feel hideous and nasty and I have to lie to my friends and family saying I am not drinking. In fact, I don't have many friends anymore I think largely because of this.

I don't even know what going on a real date is like anymore because I get so hammered and end up sleeping with each date if I have one.

I hate myself. I know I need to stop but I crave the high. I want to control this beast or its gonna kill me and everyone knows this.

I have to put up a facade as I have been drinking heavily since I moved a month ago but everyone thinks I am doing so well. I am ashamed that I am hiding and drinking again.

I need encouragement and hope. Sometimes I say, if this is the rest of my life, let me just die. This is pure torture and hell. People think I am just selfish but I am not. I desperately want to stop abusing alcohol. I do for awhile but I always return.

My stories are terrible and I haven't even scratched the surface. I have been raped, beaten and robbed on several occasions. I have spent time in jail. I have endured so much humiliation and shame and yet I continue on. What in the hell is wrong with me!!??

Comments for Here I Go Again: My Out of Control Drinking Problem is Torture

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I Will Pray For You NEW
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing! Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with your story.

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You feel angry at yourself, but your story helps others :) NEW
by: Anonymous

I googled "cant control myself when im drunk and I found this page. I found your story humorous BUT I know it isnt funny to you. In fact I feel the same shame having to apologize over and over for drunken phone calls, and begging friends for beer at 4am when I told all of them I dont drink anymore. The last scare happened this last saturday. I woke up with puke on my pillow thanking God that i slept on my side, not remembering throwing up. I checked my phone and of course I called an ex boyfriend and two other friends asking them to come get me at 4am! I am so embarassed but after about two weeks I feel the urge to drink again and I convince myself I won't get crazy this time. It happens everytime. On good nights I end up with new people on skype who tell me I got naked for them, not remembering at all what I have done. How do I get ahold of you? I would like to chat on message or something about this problem we have. I am too embarassed to go to AA but.. maybe thats the next step for me. I am a 34 year old woman in case you were wondering. Do you have an email? I also feel alone with this secret.

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the world as we know it is messed up by our own doing
by: Beesknees

so yes I totally relate. I'm newly 30 and the things you say are incredibly similar to what I've gone through. can I tell you one thing now don't rely on 'God' for anything in fact don't do the aa thing at all because its only replacing one addiction with Another. this is my humble opinion but at 1 yr 4 months sober I can honestly say god never came into it, I did. in my opinion a) recognise that you are a highly cerebral person b) recognise that the reason you are premiscuous probably comes down to one person or experience which you should probably discuss with a councellor and c) you can replace that 'I need male validation' for 'what do I want?' all the best xxx

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You are telling my story
by: Anonymous

I can relate so much...I'm a 25 yr old alcoholic woman, and in a state of overwhelming anxiety about my drinking habits. You told my story to a T...the promiscuity, the shame, the blacking out, the lies to family, the loss of friends, the putting on a facade so that people won't guess the real me. It has to end. I feel like I'm killing myself and my spirit. I have a boyfriend whom I have not cheated on while drunk but I know I very well coul;d have the potential. I become very verbally abusive to him when I'm intoxicated. I love this man and want to marry him but I know I am causing him so much pain in his life. I just want this to end so bad. I was sober for three years in a 12 step program and started again, I've been drinking for about a year and my life really is in the gutter right now.

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My quantum twin.
by: Anonymous

I am proud of you for allowing yourself to free your pent up frustration with your behavior. I read your blog or what have you, and 99 percent of my brain thought I was reading my own transcription. Crazy. I don't know who you are, and frankly that does not matter, but please know that the more you keep all those memories inside, the more you will rot. It is key you let this crazy shit go, because I gauruntee that any of those people even ponder on the encounters you mentioned. If you delete them from mind, I don't mean lobotomy but meditation and knowing they have must have been f' d up too is first step to helping yourself. Fuck it, it happened, so what. Thinking about that crap digs you deeper. I'm dealing with similar stuff. I have been drinking for 2 years from when I wake up till I pass out. I'm functional but screwed many wonderful situations up on my own so called dependency. LET Go! It will take a while to get a hold of your true self but it won't happen if you hold that negative shit so close. I am speaking to myself here as well. I screwed myself over by holding crazy drunk situations so close. People think I'm nuts too. Don't give up girl!!!!!!! I mean that . I'm 29 too, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I'm horrible. I send you peace and love! If you make a point to fix this, you will help others do the same, just by the energy of your conviction. Don't waste any more time.

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An older guy rambling...
by: Anonymous

So I am 47, male and miserable thinking about how much of everyone's life is ahead of them. I stopped drinking at 32 yrs old, sober for 12 yrs and then on and off since....I'm an oddball, most people figure it out by this time. I am living a double life....big money maker business-man supporting my new blended family but miserable and drinking myself to death. I have a great job, an opportunity for new life and yet...I am unhappy. Why is it that we cannot appreciate good fortune? or when we have it good? or at least good enough...why does that lure of feeling, the solution, the end all problems habit end?????

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I am you, but male
by: Anonymous

I read your story, and, unfortantely, I can relate all to well. I can't understand why I can't overcome my drinking. Like you, I don't drink every day. I am a pragmatic person. But when I drink, I could be at the grocery store at 6am to buy more alcohol. I have turned into a binge drinker.

I have gone to the program for many meetings, but can't get past 90 days. Things are good in my life. It seems that I am more prone to drink when things are good versus when things go wrong. I can deal with life's hurdles. What I can't do is control my drinking, and that is driving me crazy. Help!

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JUST THE THING
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
I cannot believe I came to your story the time I did, Two days ago I went on yet another binge.
Your story is in so many ways so similar than mine.

The countless sexual one night stands. The bruises the next day, the black outs.
The one particular thing that I find really amazing is when you said, " you dont go looking for men when you are sober"
That is EXACTLY what I dont do, just let me be drunk, I would usually go out and come back with a fling.
In a strange way your story help me, it just reminds me that I am not alone, there is people out there who has the same problem I do,
To get real and start doing something about it.
In my small way thank you.
RCPT

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Don't Give Up
by: Anonymous

Knowing you have a problem IS the first step. After that, it is one day at a time BUT you have to change your patterns, and thinking. Journaling, walking, calling a sponser/friend/family member you can trust, meditating/praying, anything positive to force yourself not to repeat the same patterns. It is hard work, but you can do it, if you keep your focus on good health, both mentally and physically. Don't revisit the past or the guilt. It's over. Forgive your self, God already has. Your future is open and waiting for you. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for someone else, a friend, a dog, a goldfish. It's a beginning and eventually, you will love yourself enough to continue for you. Pray always. Blessings.

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There is hope
by: Anonymous

God can save you. He saved me! Life is so much better now.

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answer to help
by: Anonymous

wheter we like it or not believe or dont believe one thing that can get rid of all your pains and addictions is god through jesus christ,we are fooled to believe he does not exist, but yet we are not given the answers on how to live healthy happy lives and get rid off addictions,but god does gives us the manual to life the bible but yet we refuse to believe .We should all take time to read the bible, we might learn something.

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You can get better
by: Anonymous

Thank you for being so honest, i am also a female but a lot older than you, but believe me the torture you are feeling now will only continue, if you carry on drinking, it is a p
rogressive illness, and hell on earth.
I joined aa, and it does help if you really want it to, after joining, i never touched a drink for over three years, and it was such bliss to have peace of mind knowing I was free from doing the things you mentioned, but recently have relapsed, but thankfully managed to stop again, as it gets even worse after a period of abstinence, believe me the illness is progressing so you end up worse than where you left it.
I really hope you can stop and find the peace of mind you deserve.

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You are not alone
by: Donnie

i feel proud of you for writing so honestly about what can happen 'out there' when we're not clean and sober. my last day of using, nov. 18th, 1989, i was literally scared staight by two men who were, in my mind, going to rape and kill me. i was stabbed in the neck and chest with a screwdriver by one while the other stood look out like they had done this before. in fear i said 'i am a christian, don't you believe in god' and he dropped me and i 'ran for my life'....i didn't know until a couple of days later that would be my last day of using, i stayed in a motel room in shock and a call to my x to let her know what happened and she said to me 'call me when you have 30 days clean and sober' and i was angry and hurt and said to myself i'll show her, i WILL get 30 days clean and sober'.....i had nothing, only a small tote bag and i walked from the motel to someone's house who let me spend the night and i found an n.a. meeting and i remember after about 7 days, i knew i was going to really do it. i had never been so proud of myself in my life or felt stronger. lot's went on before that, let's just say i can relate to your story and you are definitely, not alone.

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Thanks Everyone
by: StarryEyed

Wow, thanks for the advice. And to the below post about rational recovery this sounds appealing as I refuse to believe I have some disease and the rest of my life will be centered around the need for a drink and relapse after relapse. I remember in my late teens--early 20's when I never DRANK alcohol and had lots of fun. ( i have always suffered with depression and anxiety and stuff which initially lead me to start drinking) Back in those days-I could knock down 3-4 beers or 2-3 glasses of wine with no need for more but the past 6 years things have grown worse. I don't drink daily, but I do feel like I desire alcohol about 2 times a week and truly--I haven't a clue as to how I am still here on this earth with the shananigans I have pulled.

I will not let this alcohol kill me --it;s already taken so much from me. But I don't believe I have a disease. Thats like giving ppl the death sentence --it's non sensical.

Thanks so much and if any one you want to email let me know...I don't wanna post my email on here as I need to remain anonymous but write back and we can figure it out!

Good luck to you all!

Starry Eyed

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It's Not a Disease within You, It's a Monster You Can Kill
by: Anonymous

I'll tell you what I'm trying right now, because we're about the same age and I can relate a lot to your story. I'm starting this program in a book called "Rational Recovery" (RR) that says you need to view your want of alcohol as not the disease you'll have to deal with for the rest of your life, as AA would have you believe, but rather a monster that you can defeat. It has to deal with the way our brains are wired. I won't go into all the detail but it's made perfect sense to me so far, and I've been able to overcome my cravings by using my rationality and the advise in this book. You should be able to find it easily. But take it from me, it's really important that you do something, because a doctor recently told me that young women our age (I'm 27) have the highest fatality rate caused by alcohol because our bodies can't handle it. He basically told me that I had built up the tolerance that is typical in a 45 yr old alcoholic man and that at the rate I was going, I would be dead before I was 30. I don't wanna die, and I hope you don't either, so try like hell to fight that monster. And I know it seems like you need the high, but that's only because you're brain chemistry has been altered due to the excessive alcohol. Once you've abstained for awhile, you'll start to be able to feel pleasure again without it. If you have depression problems, maybe you should consult a psychiatrist and see if they can prescribe a safe, mild medication, like Celexa, which is what I'm taking, It is helping me with the depression and anxiety that sometimes drives me to drink. Anyway, I hope you found this helpful. You can do it.

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Start Doing Something
by: C-P

You know you've got a drinking problem - so now you've got to start doing something about it. Drinking for you is clearly always going to be a problem so controlled drinking is never going to work - you're going to have to learn how live a life of sobriety. And if you need help to do that - then there's plenty available. Go through a treatment program if you have to, start going to AA , find your own recovery program if you have to - basically do whatever it takes so you can find fulfilment without having to drink. A lot of what you're doing also points to low self- esteem - so go for therapy and start working at YOU. The more you work at you and start changing from the inside - the more you outer reality will start to reflect that. But it's up to you to start taking responsibility for your life - and get the necessary help/make the changes you need to. Take care and good luck.

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You're not alone
by: Anonymous

I don't know how long ago you posted this, but I'm 28yr old female and reading your story, I was in tears. I am feeling the EXACT same way. I thought it was just me. I'm a completely different person when I drink too. I thought that it was under control because I didn't drink except when I went out on the weekends, but I realized that isn't true. When I drink, I become a mess and hate myself the next day. I have had a few friends go to AA and rehab programs like it's a joke and something to do, so I never really took it seriously. I too, have been raped, beaten, robbed and slept with over 300 men. Not to mention the many other situations that are embarassing and I keep to myself. I'm constantly apologizing to people for my actions. Since I'm going through the same situation as you, I don't really have any great advice. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

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