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Help Me Please, My Soulmate is an Alcoholic

by Ellen
(PA)

Robert and I (Ellen) met at work over 5 years ago. We were just aquaintences at first. He says he was attracted to me instantly. I grew to admire him, his unending smile, and positive outlook on life.

At first I told him I was not ready for a relationship as I had just divorced 3 years earlier and still felt shattered from the verbal abuse I had suffered during the last few years of my marriage. However, after 2 years I invited Robert to a simple pizza dinner.

We had a wonderful evening listening to music, singing and joking around. I felt so happy and as we dated I felt I had met my Soulmate. What I didn't realize until after he moved in with me (about a month after we started dating) was that he was an alcoholic.

I remember he came over once before he moved in already having had several beers at his residence (lived with family since his divorce). I stayed focused on our relationship and how good I felt having found someone really special. It wasn't until after being together over 2 years that things began to unwind for us.

Robert's drinking became more and more evident to me. He would drink up to a dozen beers a night. He called in sick to work here and there. He's still pretty functional, but it wasn't/isn't good for him. I tried to get him to go to AA, but he said he had to go back in the 90's for a DUI and it didn't help him. I think he only went to a few meetings.

I went to one Al-anon meeting that left me wanting for help. They listened to my story, but offered no help. They literally said, "Thanks for sharing" and nothing else. Robert started to get verbally abusive to me and yelled a lot. I admit I also became somewhat verbally abusive to him which I realize didn't help us.

We broke up a week or so ago when I told him to "get out". I have told him this several times before only to take him back because I missed his sober self. He is wonderful when he's sober. We had so much fun! When he came back to get his things we both apologized for our behavior and talked a little.

I told him I can't live with the drinking. He said that's just a part of him, who he is. He had a tough childhood and started his adult life early...getting married at 16 with a baby on the way. He didn't get the love and nurturing he needed growing up I don't think except by his grandparents.

However, I know that doesn't mean he should drink to cope. I was fortunate to have two loving parents who were married for nearly 26 years before my Dad passed away. I tried to give Robert the love and nurturing he missed. Since he has moved out we have kept in touch through texting, as we used to during lunch breaks, etc.

We wish we could start over, but there is no way I can or want to live with the alcohol ever again. I'm heart-broken as many others on here are over being hopelessly in love with an alcoholic. I pray for him and hope he finds the want and strength to give up the drinking some day. If not for me, for himself and his life.

I told him I need to make God the central focus of my life. He texted me "Baby you took me to a wonderful woril. You are so much about God and I love that because I need that." He is Christian and I asked him if he wanted to go to church with me, but he didn't answer me. I wish so much that he would be able to rely on God and Jesus for his strength since he is Christian.

His grandfather got sober after years of drinking. He said he did it after finding God. I pray for this for Robert. For now I am Robert's friend, but I won't take him back since he is still drinking. Please, I welcome any help or feedback about our relationship. We talk about starting over, but I'm skeptical it will work any more. He is back living with his family for now.

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Nov 15, 2011
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My final entry
by: Ellen

Hi C-P,

I have decided to take your full advice and totally move on from Robert. I have turned off his phone and he told me I could throw out his things or burn them or whatever he didn't care. I contacted the police and an attorney to make sure I wasn't doing anything against the law if I did throw his things out (including tax documents and pay stubs). The police officer called Robert and was told the same thing...that I should throw it away. The attorney said take pictures of the items, keep the pictures with a copy of the police report and then throw the items out. If Robert ever tried to sue me over it I have legal protection now. It's very sad that Robert didn't even want his important papers back. I was willing to drop them at a mutual place since he didn't want to come here and I wasn't going to go to his family's house. So goes life...we live and learn. I now need to focus wholeheartedly on myself and think of issues I need to work on like codependency. Thank you for all your great advice and book!

All the best always to everyone!

Ellen

Nov 14, 2011
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PS
by: Ellen

PS Robert adopted a kitten that was abandoned. I think it will be good for him to focus on taking care of the kitten and enjoying playing with him. I think it may take his mind off his problem or cravings and keep him from getting too lonely.

Nov 14, 2011
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Thank you, C-P! I will take your advice.
by: Ellen

Hi C-P,

Thank you for your advice. I will follow what you recommend. I know you are right. I will proceed very cautiously and pray hard and remain hopeful for him, but keeping myself removed just in case. We have not seen each other in person since about a month ago. As long as he is talking to me with respect and I will continue being in touch with him via text message or brief phone call occasionally. However, I am remaining vigilant for any regression, just in case.

I agree it will probably be very difficult to abstain from drinking alcohol without professional help. I can only hope and pray Robert does seek this help if he begins to struggle. (I don't think I could do it alone.) I do think you're right that he has to take a good look at the mental, spiritual, and emotional things that made him go down that dark path. I pray he will "see the light." I agree with you 100% that "actions speak louder than words". He will have to prove himself over time. I do hope and pray he makes this change permanent. He has quite a bit of life ahead of him if he chooses to make the change not to drink permanent. Thank you again C-P. I will post an update when I have more news.

All the best to you C-P and everyone!

Peace,

Ellen

Nov 14, 2011
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Expectations
by: C-P

Hi Ellen

Be careful to manage your expectations. Ultimately words are meaningless and his actions are what count. Very few people overcome alcoholism by themselves. It takes help for the majority. So be careful about 'empty promises' syndrome ... it's up to him to prove his commitment to a life of change and sobriety.

Sobriety and recovery don't just happen. It takes work. It's easy to say something. The rubber meets the road when it's time to put in the work required to address our spiritual, mental and emotional shortcomings that took us down the self-destructive path of addiction in the 1st place

Time will tell how serious he is. Encourage and be supportive of him wanting to change, but try and remain detached from the outcome, so that his alcoholism doesn't end up dragging you down with him if he doesn't continue down this new path. Put your boundaries in place and stick to them.

Take Care

Nov 13, 2011
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MAYBE a glimmer of hope?!
by: Ellen

Hi all,

I wanted to report that Robert and I spoke for a short time by telephone today. He said he was working on his problem. We talked about God being in his life (and mine) being very important. He said he was open to going to church with me. I encouraged him to seek professional help for his problem, especially if the withdrawal symptoms get to be a lot for him to deal with. I sense he doesn't want to talk about it with me. I don't know if this is normal. However, I hope he will stay away from the beer (or any alcohol) for life, but time will tell. I told him I'm proud of him! I know his decision to stop drinking was very recent (probably only a couple of days). I'm hopeful Robert can stay away from the alcohol, but realistic enough to realize he may not be able to, but I am praying hard for him. He tells me I mean everything to him and that he wants to treat me better, the way I deserve to be treated. He said he was grateful for everything I've done for him and that no one else has ever done so much for him. I want to believe Robert can stay away from the alcohol, but I'm concerned if he's doing it "on his own" without professional help. Do you think he can be successful quitting on his own? He didn't drink every night, but every 3rd night or every other night. I don't have experience with this. Can anyone help me here? Thank you.

Peace & Prayers,

Ellen

Nov 07, 2011
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Almost there!
by: Ellen

Hi C-P,

Thank you for your words of encouragement! I received a text from Robert at 2 am this morning..."I'm sorry." Then another at 6 am..."Baby your right about the drinking. I'm sorry the way I talk to you. I'm sorry." I will forgive him, as usual, but I will definitely not get back together with him. He agreed to come get the rest of his things Saturday am. I sure hope he follows through. I REALLY need to move on. I will focus on my issues (including some codependency) and breathe again. I text back to Robert that he should seek professional help and stick with the program and that others who have been there done that will be there for him. I also told him it's all up to him how he wants his life to go...his choice. I wish him the very best. I know if he does get help it will be hard, but if he wants it badly enough he will do it!

I started a part-time job today after being unemployed for well over 2 years. I'm VERY thankful to God for this job! It should go full time in the future the company tells me!!! I have a move ahead of me...local probably...and helping my multi disabled son transition to adulthood. My daughter will hopefully be getting control of her college account from her controlling father (my ex-husband) in early February so she can finally go to college! Life is moving ahead already! :-)

(Christina, I am happy to share my story with you! I pray you will find your way through your unique circumstances. I will be thinking of you! Please listen carefully to C-P's advice...it's great! I hope you are not dealing with abuse as it is very painful to hear someone who "loves you" say such hurtful things...and see him raise his fist ready to punch you. (Thank God he stopped!) I did purchase C-P's book and it also helped me very much. I would strongly recommend reading it. The advice and stories are invaluable! I will be passing on this website information to anyone else who I cross paths with who loves someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. It's done wonders for me in a very short period of time!)

Thank you, thank you C-P!

All the best to you and everyone reading this!

Ellen

Nov 07, 2011
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Helping a lot!
by: Christina

All these comments have been helping me a lot as well, to understand and know what to expect. And for that, thank you everyone. Ellen, thank you so much for sharing your story!

Nov 07, 2011
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It's for the best
by: C-P

As painful and difficult as it is, know that it's for the best Ellen. The kinds of things he was saying just illustrate the insanity of it all and how destructive the workings of an alcoholic mind actually are. You deserve better, and trust that you will find your soulmate. Hopefully Robert does eventually decide to address his alcoholism and embrace a life of sobriety, but if and when that happens is something you have no control over, so you can't put your life on hold hoping it will one day happen. You'll learn from this and be a better person for having gone through the experience. Forgive and let go, and focus now on your own healing and doing everything you can to satisfy your own needs and happiness. Good luck for this new part of your journey.

Nov 06, 2011
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Done for good! :-)
by: Ellen

I just finished being on the phone with my ex-fiance Robert. He was probably drunk and was verbally abusive to me. He attacked me and my children and didn't want to talk about his drinking. I told him we are done for good. He thought we would get back together and was telling me how things would be (his rules) when we did. Ha! Not this lady! I refuse to be mistreated and abused. I'm glad I will be rid of him permanently! I deserve much better! Thanks so much for this website C-P! It really openend my eyes!!!!

Ellen

Nov 03, 2011
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Thank you again!
by: Ellen

Hi C-P,

Thanks again for your advice! I did purchase your book and I am about 1/3 of the way through it. I'm finding it very helpful and I would highly recommend it to others!! Your words of wisdom on this subject are also very helpful to me. You have been in Robert's shoes so I really appreciate your insight into how Robert is thinking. I can now better understand why Robert says and does the things he does.

In addition to not coming to get the rest of his things, Robert has been trying to manipulate me into taking him back through romantic avenues. He sends me text messages at night. Last night I received a text message from him stating, "You need to start over with me because I can. Yesterday is gone." My response was "I'm not sure we can. Some things need to change for us to try to start over." His response does not address my comment about change, but "Our love means the world. We should be taken searus (serious)." He misses my point or is refusing to address it. I do think he was drinking when he sent these text messages.

I do not feel guilty about kicking him out, although I wish it hadn't come to that. I will not allow him to manipulate me. I will be strong because I know it is truly what is best for both of us...and my adult children still living with me.

I wish I could be part of an intervention for him with other loved ones, but it's not possible because his sister (whom he lives with now) and his Mom and Stepfather enable him by doing nothing about his drinking. He has other relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) that attend church regularly and I wish Robert would be in touch with them, but he keeps to himself.

It IS very hard when you love somebody to stay away and be firm in your words and actions, but it's the right thing to do for all. Through this I have also realized that I have my own issues to try to learn from and change. I now see that I do have some codependendency issues to work on. So, I can see a pattern in me that needs to be addressed. I do have work to do myself then!

I told Robert there are things I need to work on, too. He feels I am judging him. It's not that I'm judging him as much as I am trying to point out what I see is a destructive pattern in him. I won't watch him self destruct! I told him I welcome his input about what he sees in me. He has helped me to not care so much what other people think or say about me if it's negative. I tend to be very sensitive.

I will continue to stay away from yet pray for Robert. I will always hold hope for Robert in my heart, but live in reality.

C-P thanks again for all your advice and for writing and sharing your life's experiences to help others like Robert and I.

Peace,
Ellen

Nov 03, 2011
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Feedback
by: C-P

Hi Ellen

The thing is, one just doesn't what that trigger will be that forces that switch in his mind to finally go 'I've had enough of this, I want out.' Because it's different for everyone, and everyone's bottom is different.

And unfortunately the sad reality is that for some that switch never goes off and their alcoholism ends up killing them.

Is it some kind of divine intervention or simply a person's destiny, who knows? But the only way you're able to contribute to that switch in his mind at some point hopefully going off where he decides he's had enough, is by not enabling.

An occasional text message won't hurt, but be careful because alcoholics are master manipulators and if he spots an opening to take advantage of you, he will. That's why he's kicked up a fuss about his stuff - he wants you to feel guilty. Because when we feel guilty we feel responsible and obliged to try and rescue.

A lot of this stuff doesn't happen consciously, it's just the working of a sick, alcoholic mind. So the best thing you can probably do for him right now is to pray, and keep reinforcing the message that his well-being is in his hands. No one can save him, he has to want to save himself.

Read the stories on this website of others like you who are married to or have been in relationships with alcoholics. Women who have sacrificed their whole lives hoping that one day their partner's/husband's will change. Now there is just bitterness and resentment. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

I know this isn't easy, but hang in there. Time does heal all wounds.

Nov 02, 2011
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Thank you!
by: Ellen

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement C-P!

I pray Robert finds the inner strength to give up the alcohol, but at this time he's not even ready to admit he's an alcoholic. He has many wonderful qualities and it's very sad he is doing this to himself. I don't completely understand the self destructive behavior. I will look to get a copy of and read your book and that will help I'm sure.

I am still in love with Robert and am not looking for another relationship. It's very hard for me not to be in touch with him. We are still sending text messages to each other some evenings and during NASCAR races which we both enjoy a lot. We have not gotten together in person though. I'm wondering though if I should stop communicating with him altogether if it would be considered enabling him to continue to keep in touch. Or if it is ok as long as I don't take him back unless he is ready to take responsibility for his drinking. What do you think, please C-P, anyone else?

I don't know how bad it has to get for him to want to admit his addiction and to want to change his life. He refuses to come get the rest of his things. He told me he didn't care what I did with them. (I told him there are some important papers...like tax information...that is still here.) I don't want to take it over to where he lives because I had a falling out with his family and I'm concerned that he will be very angry with me. I don't handle angry people well.

Robert will be 46 next month. I truly hope he does not waste his life away. He is very well liked. He does have relatives who are Christian and would help him reconnect with his church if he was willing to go. For now, I will just continue praying for him, loving him from a distance, and hoping he will be able to face his addiction some day.

Peace,
Ellen

Nov 02, 2011
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Letting Go
by: C-P

Ellen, as much as you love Robert, you have to understand that you can't change him, and until he's ready to do something about his alcoholism nothing is going to change.

Just because he had a tough childhood, doesn't excuse his alcoholism, and using that as an excuse simply is his way of justifying what he does and means he doesn't have to take any responsibility for it.

So you've done the right thing by kicking him out, and under no circumstances should you consider getting back together with him ... not until he's proved he's ready to help himself by getting professional help for his alcoholism.

Because if you do, you'll simply become his enabler, and he'll stay stuck on his self-destructive path even longer. Remember these 3 fundamental principles - you didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and neither can you cure it.

He'll only ever beat his drinking problem if he wants to. And that's something he has to realise for himself and will likely only ever happen once the consequences of his alcoholism get bad enough for him to decide he's finally sick of the insanity of it all.

If you still need more advice, get yourself Help Me! I'm In Love With An Alcoholic. You need to understand that trying to rescue him will do you both more harm than good. I know this is tough, but it will get easier.

Oct 31, 2011
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I'm on the same situation
by: Anonymous

Hi Ellen,

I'm on the same situation as you are and I have NO idea what to do. Everyone I talk to, all they have to say is, live your life, because everything you do or say won't matter unless he wants to do it for himself. My boyfriend and I are still together, he is my soulmate and I can't imagine my life without him, but at the same time, I really miss not having to smell the alcohol everyday. It's so bad that I can't have a drink, everything I try to drink when it comes to alcohol makes me sick. I hate the smell, the taste and even the thought of drinking, not even a glass of wine, nothing! I wish I could tell you something to help you, but I am looking for the same answer.

Christina

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