Have No Feelings/Love Left for Closet Alcoholic Husband ... Can't Have Sex With Him Anymore

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Have No Feelings/Love Left for Closet Alcoholic Husband ... Can't Have Sex With Him Anymore

by Karen Brown
(Orlando, Florida)

Husband of 16 years has been alcoholic and verbally/emotionally abusive for years. He lies about his drinking, displays inappropriate behavior in front of 4 kids, has said the most awful things imaginable to wife, has had two DUIs, gambles, has a temper, and just can not admit he has a serious problem.

He blames the wife for lack of attention/sex and relationship for his behavior. I am so tired of this man and I can't stand the thought of him touching me. It makes my skin crawl. He swears he hasn't drank in one month so feels I should give him sex and forget all that has happened.

It is like a cycle. I give in to him and he is satisfied for a very short time and if he is rejected for another sexual experience he drinks and starts abusing again. I have told him I can't do this anymore and will not give him sex any longer.

I told him for years that he needs help - AA, counseling, whatever but he thinks he can cure himself which he of course, cannot. I am a mess, the kids of course are stressed, I only keep him in our lives for financial reason. I am wondering if that by withholding sex from him may help breaking this awful cycle and if this is a way that I am saying "ENOUGH" of your shit!!! Any advice will help. Thanks, Karen

Answer

Hi Karen

It's sad to hear that things have disintegrated so badly in your relationship ... and that then begs the question, what do you do about the whole alcoholism marriage conundrum?

My belief is that if things are that bad where your partner gets abusive, then unless the other person agrees to get immediate help for their problem, I don't see how you can continue with the relationship ...

Because not only is the relationship toxic for you ... but imagine the damage being caused to your children living in a toxic environment like that? So even though you think it makes sense to stick around from a financial perspective, I think the damage you're doing by staying is far greater than the financial benefits.

Sure, withholding sex may work as a short-term measure, but it doesn't deal with the underlying issues, i.e. your husband's alcoholism and abusiveness ... and how that's impacted on your feelings for him. He needs proper help if he's ever going to change.

I think the only thing left to do is perform a professional intervention - with the aim being that unless your husband agrees to getting proper treatment and help right away, and basically sorts his life out, you and the kids are gone.

Alcoholism is your husband's disease, and unless he wants to change, there isn't a lot you can do. But by doing an intervention with the help of a professional, it might give him the wake up call he needs to sort his life out. There are no guarantees ... but I think you're far enough down the road where things have reached the 'last resort' stage.

Remember, this isn't just about you. Your kids are being badly affected by all this as well. So I think it's time your start giving some serious thought about your future, and how you can provide them with a loving and nurturing environment, which is something money can't buy.

God Bless and Best of Luck

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Have No Feelings/Love Left for Closet Alcoholic Husband ... Can't Have Sex With Him Anymore

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I agree
by: Carol

I am an alcoholic who has been in recovery for almost four years. After reading your story the first thing I thought of was to leave him if he is not willing to get help. Why my husband stayed with me for all those years of being in and out of the program is beyond me. He should have left me and taken the kid and run as fast as he could. My son suffered due to my chronic relaspes. He heard and saw way too many things that a child/teen should never have had to hear. The verbal abuse I took from my husband was unbelievable and the more he tried to control me the more I drank. Something is very wrong with your relationship and I suggest you get counseling as well as your children. This disease affects the whole family and it took me years to believe. When I went into treatment in 1994 and they told me that in a class, I said "bullshit" and I didn't/wouldn't believe it for years to come. This disease is cunning, baffleing and powerful and it will eat you up any way it can. Take head,my dear, and get out if he won't get help!!!!!

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Boundaries
by: Anonymous

The only way you're ever going to repair your relationship is if your husband gets sober ... and that's something you unfortunately don't have much control over because he has to do that for himself. Attempting an intervention is definitely worth considering and starting to set some boundaries about what kind of behaviour you deem/don't deem to be acceptable - and then creating consequences for that behaviour. But you need to be prepared to follow through if that's going to work. Try going to Al Anon if you can. People there who can help and support you.