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Day One - I hope.

by AW
(Oregon)

I have been encouraged, reading these stories, that there is hope for a person to make it to day three or more without a drink. I sit here typing, with Merlot from last night oozing from my pores and breath, and truly hope and pray that there will be a "day two".


At 45 years old, I have been a fairly serious drinker since about age 19 ...

I come from three (or more?) generations of serious drinkers. Now, I am watching at least one of my four children follow the same path. The last 5 years have seen a dramatic increase in my alcohol consumption.

My wife and I both drink at least a bottle of wine a night and I will often drink two or add beer on the weekend. Or, just drink a 12 pack of good dark beer. I love dark beer but hardly taste it after the first one is down.

My health is suffering, my work is seriously suffering, and I am so tired of being ashamed.
We live in a small community and it is getting harder to hide our (my) issues. My wife turns violent when she drinks too much and several times this has proven almost fatal for her.

She thinks I will eventually leave her if she does not control her anger but seems barely restrained. We have been married 24 years this month. When her anger happens it's like a switch just clicked, and she is over the edge and has lost control.

All I can do is stay out of the way, try and keep things from being broken, and hope the neighbors are asleep. Thankfully it has been a month or so since she had one of these episodes.

Is this one day me?

I can't go anywhere for help. There is too much stigma and shame. Even my pastor, who used to be my best friend, terrifies me. What if he were to "out" me? How do I do this?

My wife does not want to quit. I love her deeply and desperately need her help with this.

So, there it is. My ugly story of shame and self loathing. Not sure why I am being so honest here (while clearly I am not anywhere else) but I do see in the stories of others, myself, and hope that by doing this I can begin to heal and move on to sobriety forever. If not, well, this is kinda my last attempt. Not saying I would hurt myself, just don't know how to end this struggle.

Please include me in your prayers that today would actually be, Day One of a lifetime of sober days. In hope.AW

Comments for Day One - I hope.

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Mar 31, 2012
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Don't give up
by: Linda

Sounds like you are making progress. Told your story at our class. They all agreed (myself included)we wish you would talk to someone at AA. They know there stuff and can help you deal with the ups and downs. Going alone on any crisis in your life is alway difficult. Strength comes from sharing with those who know what it feels like.

Mar 31, 2012
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Checking In
by: AW

Linda and others,
I have been up and down. More Up! from the 24th to the 30th Was Awesome. Felt great and stayed sober. I think the job interview fears helped. Last night I drank. It was like a hand just gripped me and reason left me and off I went. Today, the hope of 7 days straight is ringing in my heart. My desire is to be sober through Easter and then let my heart rejoice and say with the congregation, "He is Risen, He is Risen Indeed." If I can make that, I can make it to a year. May God strengthen me for the week ahead. I can't remember when I have had so much hope. Thank you for the prayers!
AW

Mar 30, 2012
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Just checking
by: Linda

Haven't heard from u lately, how are things going?

Mar 24, 2012
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Day One
by: AW

I appreciate the prayers! My determination level is high. My will power is not so high. I don't know what happened yesterday. Just bought it and drank it. Knew I shouldn't. Did it anyway. For me, that was sin. Pathetic, I know.
My earnest desire is to show up on the Lord's Day tomorrow with a clear head and clean heart. May god be so good to empower me to do so. Amen.
AW

Mar 23, 2012
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Day 2
by: Linda

Yea!!! Keep it up, I am keeping an eye on you!! Right now you have Indiana Episcopalians praying for you. You might slip, but you won't fail!! God is carrying you, I can see the footprints in the sand!

Mar 23, 2012
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Day Two
by: AW

Well,
It is day two and I feel pretty good. A little shaky. My heart seems faster today and a little difficulty concentrating. Otherwise, excited about the day. Spending time in prayer and scripture. Time will tell.
AW

Mar 23, 2012
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Many Thanks
by: Linda

Thanks for letting me use your story. Your generousity will surely help to heal others in their own struggles. You will be in our prayers.

Mar 23, 2012
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Lent
by: AW

Linda,
I am pleased that you felt free to us me as an example. If my story can be of any use to help others it is a good thing. I will remain anonymous. This path is too painful to speak with others about but I know I have to speak about it at some level. My wife is with me in support. My God has never left me. I will think about your questions. At times the Holy Spirit seems so far from me and I know that time in God's word and prayer need to be a more consistent thing in my life. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Sincerely,
AW

Mar 22, 2012
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Your inspiring Post
by: Linda

Just want you know that your story is being used in a Lenten class I am writing as to how to use faith to overcome obstacles in your life. Your story inspired me. Following are the questions we will discuss. I thought they should be shared with you. 1)How can the Holy Spirit guide him?
2) What gifts of the Holy Spirit does he have that could help him?
3)How will he know if it is the Holy Spirit or his ego guiding him?
4)If he lost hope, how would he get it back?
5)How can he draw comfort and guidance from Holy Scripture?
6)How would he humbly exalt Jesus by the experience?
7)When his pride gets in the way, how should he handle it?
8)On his way up he may alienate someone, how does he handle that?
9)How should he deal with the unbelievers or doubters that discouraged him?
10)How should he talk to others (friends, spouse, children, etc.) about his journey? If you would rather me not use, or contact me at lbernabie@hotmail.com.

Mar 21, 2012
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Thank you HD and Anon
by: Anonymous

I wish I could say that the first posting was my last "first day" but that has not been the case. However, I am resolute and do believe that this is God's will for me. Day one. Again. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
AW

Mar 20, 2012
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Have Faith...you can do it.
by: HD

Hi Aw,

Just to let you know we are all on the same journey and we will walk thru this with you. I am now on day 15 of sobriety and I feel amazing and it all started with day one which has now led to day 15. If God is for us who can be against us...this is what has brought me to this stage. also Phillipians 4:13 keep meditating on these scriptures and you can make it keep believing and having faith and your wife will follow as you will become the leader God wants you to be.

Take Care and God Bless

HD

Mar 20, 2012
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Gods Love
by: Anonymous

AW, I was so moved and found myself close to tears after reading how open and genuine you were by what you had written. I was supposed to browse the internet for a project which purpose was to catch a glimpse into what it may be like to live with alcoholism when I came to your post. I too struggled with an addiction for years, and although it was not the same as yours, I'm here to tell you from first hand experience that God loves you, He knows your name, and He can overcome your addiction. I tried so many things to get myself out of my addiction and the only way I overcame it was from reading the bible everyday. Thats when I learned the power of Gods word (Hebrews 4:12)! It didn't even matter where I was reading or if I really understood what I was reading, over time it seemed the more I read the harder it became to continue in my addiction, until it eventually was no longer controlling my life.
Prayerfully Yours,

Mar 09, 2012
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Never give up.
by: B

That's great that you are sober today. Today is all that matters. It doesn't matter if it is Day One again. I have had so many Day Ones in my recovery. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The greatness of a man is not in never falling, but in rising up every time he falls."
B

Mar 09, 2012
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Day One Again - With determination!
by: AW

Thank you B for your prayers and thoughts. I will add you to mine as well.
I made it two day two and just simply gave in. I knew it made no sense. Having my wife as a willing accomplice is no help. I think she is willing to follow me in this if I would just get the strength to lead!
By God's Grace, all things are possible.
Day One. Amen.
AW

Mar 08, 2012
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Day One and one day at a time
by: B

Hi AW, I'm on Day Seven from alcohol and drugs. I went on a serious binge and the shame was awful. It seems I always have self destructed and I am determined this time to change. I said a prayer for you and want you to know you can do it. I'm proud of you for your effort and your desire to change. With God all things are possible.
B

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