Coming To The Realization: I Have A Drinking Problem
That I have a drinking problem. I've lost my last two boyfriends due to drinking related problems. I cannot recall the last holiday that I spent with my family because I ended up passed out. I blacked out at a work function the other night and am feeling completely embarrassed.
My co-workers have seen me drink too much before, but not to the point where I can't remember what happened. Fortunately I am a nice drunk so no one seems to mind too much. The problem is that my family, friends, and co-workers all drink ... a lot. I feel like I can't escape it.
I am so disappointed in myself right now that I don't even know what to do. I'm scared to see my family at the next holiday. I'm scared that my boss is going to talk to me about being drunk at a work event. I am so lucky that my family, friends, and co-workers are supportive and I know that they love me and will help me however they can.
But that almost makes it worse because I know that there is no reason for me to be drinking so heavily all the time.
At the core of it, I know I drink because I feel alone. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I feel totally alone. Like I'm an island and I will never find anyone that really gets me. I'm a perfectionist and I build these gigantic walls and refuse to let anyone in. In fact, I'm thinking about not posting this because I don't want to share this with anyone ... even strangers who have no idea who I am.
I'm just praying to God, asking him for help. Asking him to help me to stop drinking. I thought I could just have one or two drinks, but I'm powerless. If I have two I'm going to have everything I can get my hands on until I eventually pass out.
A friend had to drive me home last night. I was mad at him because I thought I could drive. He told me he would take me to my car in the morning, but I didn't want to wait. After he dropped me off I walked around until I randomly flagged someone down and convinced them to take me to my car. I have no idea why they did, or why they let me drive. I'm lucky it wasn't someone that wanted to rob or kill me.
I live with this every day and I have no one to talk to about it. I thought about going to AA, but I can't muster up the courage to walk into a room full of strangers. I would go to a therapist, but I feel so embarrassed and I know I would just sit there and cry the entire time and feel like an idiot.
What do I do? I'm burden to my family, friends, co-workers and basically myself. I love myself, I know I do, but I can't keep living like this. I'm going to hurt myself or someone else. What if I had gotten in a car accident?
If you're reading this please help. Please post something that lets me know that I can do this. I've never been so scared in my life. I'm scared to face my co-workers and boss. I've seen them the past few days and apologized to the friend that took me home. He just said he was glad I'm safe and he is here if I ever want to talk.
The problem is I can't open my mouth. I can't admit this imperfectionism. I don't want to be doomed in life, but I know that's where I'm headed if I continue down this path.
I know God can hear me. I know He's listening. I'm asking, in my loudest voice, for help. Please be with me. Please help me to gain control of this problem. I'm scared and I need you. Forgive me for what I've done wrong and help me to forgive myself. Stay with me, carry me, and continue to love me.
I need you more than I think I've ever needed you before. I need your help. Please let this be OK. Please let my co-workers, family, and friends forget all the times I was drunk. Please help them to stop gossiping about me and help them not to worry about me. Help me to show them that I am strong and I have overcome this - help me show and have it be true. I can't do this without you. I love you, I know you're here for me. Amen.