Bills, Drug Addiction and My Fiance's Affair

I have been with my fiancé for 5 years. In the begging of our relation ship I was addicted to Xanax and would go out with my friends often.

I had many talks with her that I was nervous about getting serious with her because she had two kids by two different men - never been married - and her last boyfriend treated her like shit and she ended up cheating on him before she ended the relationship.

We had a very good relationship for the first three years besides on some occasions me coming home drunk and verbally abusing her which I knew was very wrong.

In the fourth year I started abusing prescription pain pills and over the next two years I turned in to a full blown drug addict opana and oxycontin blowing 40 thousand dollars in two years and never giving her a dime for bills.

By the end of my addiction I was treating her like shit and giving her no attention - my whole world revolved around drugs I almost cheated on her on four separate occasions but stopped because of guilt.

A friend told her how bad my addiction was and she broke down crying and I told her I quit. Over the next three months I was still using and borrowed over 3000 dollars from her. I finally went to out-patient rehab and became clean.

I was also gambling alot at the time. She did promise me on many occasions that if it ever got too bad she would talk to me before she would ever cheat. I had a short fuse when I was on drugs and once went off on her for the littlest things and she felt very lonely and unwanted - but never told me these things she said she was afraid of losing me.

She did know I was trying to quit using for those three months before rehab but was struggling and she said she was there for my support and to be my back bone and we would get through this and I was very remorseful.

When I did become clean I realized she was lying to me all the time and became very suspicious. From mid-May until early October I tried to talk to her about why she was acting so different around me and she blew me off and would start arguments through-out this time.

I was also accusing her of cheating and she denied on a daily basis looking me in the eyes and swearing on her children that she did not cheat - she even let me go to the doctor because they thought I had severe anxiety.

It finally hit me to check her phone records and I realized that she had a very intense relationship with a man 15 years older than her she met at the casino - from the last week in April till the first week in June she would text him at least a hundred times a day and ten phone calls a day ... sending dirty pictures and talking dirty to him.

She finally cut it off when she said she saw I was serious about getting clean and that I started treating her good again and made her feel like I did want her.

I made the mistake of asking for details and why she did it - she did it because I was treating her like shit she thought I cheated on her through some text she found which I did start something with someone four times and followed through once.

She says the way it started was I was sending her to the casino to get her out of my hair so could sit at home and do drugs - and while at the casino she started a friendship with this man and they traded phone numbers.

He started texting her and she said she got caught up because I had made her feel so unwanted and it felt nice that someone cared about her. They were chatting about normal stuff for the first week.

He was an Asian and one day when they were at the casino he said something in Japanese and she said what does that mean - he said blow job and she laughed and then he said do you want to give me one and she said no, but when she got up to leave he followed her and told her to come to his car were she gave him a blow job.

The next week she came to his work and she did it again in the car after work - luckily a few days later she had hernia surgery and could not be sexually active during that time and is when I started rehab and I took care of her when she was laid up from having surgery for three weeks.

The whole time ... every time I would leave she would be calling and talking to him and I was apologizing for how bad I had gotten on the drugs admitted to her that I did cheat on her once and was telling her how sorry I was and that I was so lucky she stuck with me.

And the whole time she was saying things like baby I knew you would come around - we love each other so much we are meant to be - we were planning a wedding.

We ended up getting in a fight one day a few weeks after her surgery because I said she seemed distant and her love did not seem as genuine, while through out the whole month of May I was telling her how lucky I was that she put up with so much bullshit ... stealing her money, begging for money etc.

One day in April which I think was her breaking point is when I was begging her for two hundred dollars for drugs and she was crying saying please no and finally she gave it to me. She was so distraught - she had not smoked in a year - and told me if she gives me the money she is going to start smoking again and to get her pack of cigs and I said no problem.

To her credit once she did realize I was serious about getting clean and started treating her good she did end the relationship. I do know that if it was not for her surgery they would of got physical more than three times.

She claims it was not about the sex but I had made her feel so unwanted and like I did not care about her for so long that it was nice that she felt like some one cared about her. I did call him and he confirmed that they only got physical three times and never had sex.

I realise that I had an affair with drugs and did cheat on her once and did treat her very badly for a period of six months and was making her feel like I did not care about her.

My problem is how easily she gave in - he said blow job and she went to his car and did it and that I was apologizing to her and showing how remorseful I was at the time which she said was hard to believe because I had done that many times.

I can tell by phone records that the time at the casino she did it - she called me on her way out to the car to tell me she loved me and on her way to her house she called me to apologise for the fight we had earlier in the day and tell me she loves me.

On my birthday all three of us were at the casino playing poker at the same table. I know I cheated on her and treated her very badly and made her feel very unwanted while I was chosing drugs over her.

Since June every thing has been perfect between us besides us fighting because I was accusing her of cheating because of all the lies she was telling me in the month of May. I realise I was scum and pushed her away and used her and made her fell like shit.

She does seem very remorseful and says she felt like I was going to leave her anyway. What I'm having a problem with is the promise she made me that she would never do this and she would talk to me if we were having major problems where she was tempted to do this - and she never did.

I know she was crying a lot and I know I was treating her bad but she should of sat me down and said if I don't straighten up she is going to leave me and she never did. She always just told me a bunch of bullshit like I am your back bone and we will get through this.

I also have a problem that she would call me on her way to his house or to his car knowing what she was getting ready to do - to tell me she loves me and still not feel guilty enough to stop.

I know it was not about sex - it was about him meeting her emotional needs because I was not there for her and treating her so bad I know she was not attracted to a 45 year old Asian man. She just liked the attention and knew if she talked dirty to him and gave him a few blow jobs he would keep giving her the attention she was lacking.

I do love her and her kids and I did cheat on her, use her and treat her very badly for a long time - I just don't know why she had to give in on the blow jobs, why she could not control herself?

I know that if it were not for the drugs and the way I was treating her this would of probably never happened. If I love her - the kids consider me their dad - and I believe she loves me and I had a major part in pushing her away, should I give her a second chance because she is forgiving me for cheating and being a drug addict and treating her like garbage?

Or am I being naive to believe that she really does love me? I have lived off her for five years and paid no bills so she is not with me for money and I do feel very guilty because I put her through hell.

She did end it when she saw that I was being serious about turning my life around. Can some one please give me some feedback - I am torn on what to do? I wish she would of just grown some balls and told me to get my shit together and get out.

Or at least felt bad enough to let me know after she saw I was better and was asking her about it everyday. Please help ... not to mention she was doing all this while planning our wedding at a Catholic Church with 300 people that I have cancelled.

I did treat her like shit but did I deserve this - can I ever trust her again?